Publication: Up Yours!
The musky smell of success. | |
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, September 23, 2006
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Dear Deviants,
So anyway, I read that Japan is passing legislation to out-
law the sale of previously worn panties. My question is,
how big of an industry does this have to be before the
government sits up and says, "Hey, the rest of the world
thinks we're a bunch of sick fucks over here. We've got
to do something about this."
Those slant-eyed sickos.
So as not to discuss something from an uninformed viewpoint,
I went online and did a little research into the slightly
damp and musky world of worn panty sales. To my surprise
I didn't have to dig very far. In fact, one of the first
pages to pop up was a professionally designed, apparently
successful site that featured mostly American girls, who,
somewhat disturbingly, refer to themselves as panty sellers.
I don't know what kind of weird shit the Japs are buying,
but the "products" I found on this site were on the other
side of disturbing. Panties, okay, I can appreciate that
just for the kink value, but if you're willing to cough up
the coinage you can be the proud owner of...
* Panties
This is the flagship product. The classics never die.
It's simple, elegant and slightly crusty where it counts.
Of course, they're guaranteed to be worn for 24 hours.
Yours for the low, low price of only $19.99!
* Well Worn Panties
Two days are better than one. Plus, the panty seller will
wear them to the gym under her workout clothes. These are
bordering on offensive, folks, well worth the $23!
* Pee Pee Panties
If sex is synonymous with incontinence in your dictionary,
then you have to have these aromatic beauties. Worn for a
full 24 hours, and then, when she can't hold it any longer,
your sexpot will relieve herself without bothering to take
them off. $25
* Worn Bra
For the more pedestrian collector, the worn brassiere
provides a delicate flavor of feminism. A mere $30!
* FEATURED FETISH... Worn Socks!
Folks, no description I could write will match your own
fevered imaginations. You can enjoy the bouquet of those
little pink toes curled up in their socks for 1 day $12,
2 Days $18, or 3 Days $24.
* NEW! Week Old Bed Sheets
I swear to God this is the original ad copy... "I'll sleep
on it for one whole week! When you get it in the mail you
can cuddle up in it at night and smell my scent! Only $40
and well worth it!" Yeah, but what if you're seller is some
redneck who smells like cowshit?
* Chewed Up Brownie
There's really no excuse for this. I'm not sure who should
be medically sterilized here, the soulless whore who will do
absolutely anything for a profit or the sexual mutant who's
brainless enough to spend $20 on pre-masticated baked goods.
As a final note, I don't want any of you weirdoes asking me
on what web page I found this shit. Chances are many of you
are already customers.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Dear Chadwick - In the reader's comments, Lynne said: "You
fucking rock". What do you suppose she meant? I'm curious
about that one. And, thanks a bunch for the enlightenment.
According to your keen insight, what keeps me in shape is
the fact I'm a dirty whore and a total slut. I wish it
didn't make so much sense. I would rather have remained
ignorant. --Lynn
[Don't worry, you're still plenty ignorant. And concerning
the comment in question... the word 'fucking' in this con-
text is used at a verb.]
OK I was just watching the X-Files, I would just like to
know how many guys besides me would like to see Sculy naked.
She has a nice red hair, is it natural. --MJACLARK
[She's done some mostly nude photo spreads. You can find
them on the Net. I'm not too proud to admit that I was an
X-Files fan strictly because I wanted (and still wouldn't
mind) to fuck Gillian Anderson until her uterus fell out.]
Dear Chadwick; The office I work at has 326 women and 58
men. What do you think of that combination? --Nancy
[Sounds like hell. I personally wouldn't be able to handle
that much bitching, moaning, complaining and back-stabbing.]
A homo who prides himself on owning a Lexus and calls himself
Jimbo like he's some dumb-assed cracker, what an asshole you
are. It's because of fucksticks like you we're all paying
over $2/gallon for gas. Why don't you slow the fuck down and
stay off people's asses. Despite what your bumper sticker
says, you don't own the fucking road. You can kiss my ass
on main street, you stupid motherfucker. Also, thanks for
buying Japanese and contributing to the increasing unemploy-
ment level in this country. Fucksticks like you make me wish
we could make abortions retroactive. Eat shit and die, Keith
Ok, on the other end of the political spectrum, Maureen Dowd?
--John
[Yeeech...I had to look her up and she looks a little dried
out and desiccated for my taste. If she doesn't have enough
juice in her to keep her face from looking like saddle
leather I doubt she's got enough to keep her pussy lubed.
The last thing I want is a chafed dick.]
Hey ChappedWick...the rant by Jimbo on drivers was pretty
damn good! He must live in Virginia Beach because he
described drivers and their vehicles that I see here every
day. Maybe you ought to put old Jimbo on the payroll, eh?
--Kevin
[Even a chimpanzee can look clever once in a while just by
pure, dumb coincidence. That doesn't make him Henry David
Thoreau.]
Jimbo is a great example of natural selection. I can imagine
that he also has a problem keeping his cock-holster of a
mouth shut. I am in favor of letting the dumbfucks kill each
other. --Matt
Jimbo takes it up the ass. --Meghan
[Yeah, and the sky is blue. Who the fuck do you think you
are, Nostradamus? If you belong to this list chances are you
take it up the ass. Bunch of fucking homos and ass whores on
here.]
Dear Jimbo, I see you behind me in the left lane, flashing
your fucking headlights. The reason I am only doing 60 in
the left lane in my Chevy S10 pick-up is because I am too
relaxed to go any faster. I'm on my way home from banging
your wife. And her girlfriend. Bet you didn't know about
that. Your wife told me just before she blew me that you
like to drive fast because you're compensating for being
a bug-dick premature ejaulator. So why don't you take that
Lexus you're so proud of, fold it until it is all sharp
corners, and stick it up your ass? --David
[In that case I'm forced to agree with 'Jimbo' on this one,
as much as it turns my stomach. If you camp out in the left
lane doing five under the limit you should have a lobotomy
and your driver's license revoked.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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