Publication: Up Yours!
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, August 12, 2006
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Comment The Post Below...
Dear Mindless Urchins,
In the last few weeks I've taken some tangents in the form
of content that have not been aimed directly at my readers.
And since you little psychos have not been the center of
attention I have begun receiving comments like this one:
"...who really wrote the last issue of Up Yours? Couldn't
have been you. Not nasty enough by half. If you'd stop
swapping spits with TZ in the men's room, your chances
of not catching one of his never-ending maladies would
improve. Here's hoping that you're back to your old
self next week...or just back."
Who the fuck else do you think would write this column?
There's not another rat-assed nimrod in the entire company
who would put up with the weasels, cry-babies and whiners
subscribed to this list.
Are your precious egos not equivalent to the task of thinking
about anything other than yourselves for five minutes each
week? Is that what it is? Well, let me tell you something
about egos, my hairless little monkeys, it's all a delusion.
The most amazing thing about an ego is that no matter how
much truth one dumps on that self-serving pilot light, it
will continue to flicker, keeping the lie of your self-worth
alive.
The truth of the matter is that you're all worthless and
weak. Every single one of you is a number, a statistic, a
random accident that is completely expendable and completely
replaceable. Not one of you is worth more than a few bucks
of household chemicals. Have you ever thought of yourself as
an animate bag of saltwater? There's a realistic self image.
I read an interesting datum once. It said that if go without
washing for just a couple of days, your body will be host to
so many microscopic parasites that if YOU were removed the
parasites would form an invisible mold of your body, complete
in every detail right down to your eyelashes. That mold would
still have more charisma and personality than you.
So before I hear any more of this, "Oh, I haven't heard any
good insults lately, you must be getting it from the
neighbor's dog," just remember that the world doesn't revolve
around you. You are an idiot. A collection is diseases and
parasites that runs around pretending to be a master of the
world.
So stop your complaining. If you have anything resembling a
cogent thought, by all means, send it in. We'll discuss it.
But I do not want to hear of bunch of sissies complaining
about how their being ignored. What a collection of stiffs.
It makes me cringe to think I'm in the same phylum as some
of chimpanzees who have written in lately. At least try not
to make fools of yourselves. That's all I'm asking. I look
forward to being disappointed.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a blog. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Blog
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><><><><> CHADWICK'S FAVORITE HISTORICAL INSULTS <><><><>
"The nature of men and women - their essential nature - is so
vile and despicable that if you were to portray a person as
he really is, no one would believe you." --W. Somerset Maugham
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Re Britney. Retard or on drugs - do we have to choose? Any-
way, to paraphrase: If it looks like trailer trash, and it
sounds like trailer trash, then it is trailer trash. I don't
think I could lower myself to screw that brain dead bimbo.
--Steve
[Want to stick with your brain dead sister, is that it? Fair
enough. Personally, I like to slum it every now and then.]
I saw the Brittney Spears video the other day. Damn, that
chick is fucked up..... and her hillbilly accent REALLY
comes out. You know what they say - you can take the bitch
out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer
park out of the bitch. --Dave
Hey Spunkwick, you sure seem to reply to readers about
wanting to do their moms alot... so I guess that would make
you a Mother Fucker correct? --Pantybater
[Well...it would make me YOUR mother fucker, yes.]
Dear Mr. Chadwick, You brightened up my day for me. Thanks.
Can I get a picture of you to see what you look like? If
not that's okay too. --Misty
[Picture a thick, viril growth of chestnut brown pubic hair,
and a little treasure trail leading up to a dimple of a navel.
That's probably as much of me as you'd be seeing anyway.]
Dear Chadwick - I think that you are an obsessive compulsive,
neaurotic, cum sucking, son of a bitch who gets off by trying
to make others feel bad. Next time you try to offend somebody
with your cheap, hand be down remarks, write to somebody like
me, whos not such a goddamn pussy to stand up to you, and not
another mindless drone who thanks you because they think that
will put you on their side. Later Pussy, Ashley
[Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the kennel
this morning.]
Chad, For some ungodly reason I haven't been getting your
newsletter lately. At first I took it as a blessing but then
I actually started missing your little dick. Anyway glad to
see your smart ass comments back in my inbox. --Penny
[I know your life has been exceptionally pathetic without
me. You can relax now that I'm here to tell you what to think
again.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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End of UP YOURS!
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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