Publication: Up Yours!
And remember, p0rn makes a great Christmas gift. | |
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, December 16, 2006
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Perverts,
Every now and again I like to offer advice and helpful hints
to my readers as a form of public service. Considering the
fact that most of my subscriber base has the social standing
of a dead otter I have tailored this segment to cater to their
particular interests. Toward this end I would like to offer
the essential DOs and DON'Ts of pornography shopping.
* Keep to yourself:
When you first visit your neighborhood pornographer you'll
see a number of seedy looking men standing around with their
hands in their pockets. A couple of them may glance up at
you as you enter the room. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT! This is
very important for two reasons. First: men like to imagine
they're the only ones in the store. The anonymity makes it
less embarrassing to look at naked boobs. Second: if your
next door neighbor is picking up the latest issue of Swank,
do you really want to know about it?
* Have a shopping agenda:
If there is anything that makes you look more like a pervert
than just walking through the door it's browsing around for
two hours sporting a chubby. As any vendor will tell you, a
porn shop is not a library. You should already know if you're
into tit mags, bondage mags, interracial mags or whatever, so
there is no need to look at every single porno on the shelves.
Once you've identified a magazine in your interest, a brief
perusal of the pictorals should be enough to determine if
you want to buy it. DO NOT stand there and read everything
from the masthead to the phone sex ads on the inside back
cover.
* Avoid the gay section:
This does not include lesbian oriented publications which
are completely fine considering most guys would give their
left index finger to make it with two lesbian chicks. What
you want to avoid is the "male" gay section of the store.
You will know you've entered this section because the
magazines will have titles like: Ass Masters, Stick 'em Up
or Back Door Boys, and the cover models will tend to be
dressed in leather outfits or sailor uniforms. If you've
accidentally wandered into this area glance up at the lights
or pretend to look at the blow-up dolls displayed on the
overhead shelves and quickly but casually make your way
back to the magazines with women on the covers.
NOTE: The Federal government requires adult book stores to
include gay sections so the FBI can keep a list of everyone
who buys gay pronography.
* Avoid getting the ValuPacs:
Shop smart! When you buy a car you take it for a test drive
first. You should be able to do the same with your porno.
A quick flip through the pages will tell you volumes about
the quality of the models and the photography. Sometimes you
will see several magazines shrinkwrapped together with a top
name title in front. These are called ValuPacs and they are
designed with only one purpose; to move really low quality
product. Many novice shoppers are lured in by the dirt-cheap
price tag, but the magazines inside the ValuPacs are always
imported rags with titles like El Pechos Grande! The only
exceptions to this rule are the triple X mags. These are
also usually sealed, but you'll be able to tell by the price
and the cover model what you're getting yourself into.
With these few pearls of wisdom you should be able to navigate
even the most treacherous adult book and video store without
getting arrested. If you can't, don't call me to bail you out.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
ChappedWick...dude! Last Saturday's "Up Yours" was a bit
boring and appeared to have very little effort put into it
on your part. Even your reader comment insults looked like
you put no heart into them! What's the matter, dude...not
feeling well? Is that Mad Cow disease you caught while
fucking that dairy cow that you thought was a five titted
woman flaring up again? C'mom, man! Stop rump humping those
elves at the Santa display in the local mall and get into
the Christmas spirit! --Kevin
[Eh.. fuck off, or something.]
C-Dick, I have noticed that you have fucked a lot of your
subscribers mothers. I need to know, so I will ask. Did you
fuck mine? --Mark
[Doubt it. I'm not into beastiality.]
hey braindead, give up the porn?....hullo? What a bad
idea. Most of your pointers were pretty cool. But give
up the porn? Have you ever heard of free porn? Its kinda
hard to get off on 11 second clips, but I kind of look at
it as a challenge. Anyway, my gal took up to calling me
queeksdraw, how cute! Now excuse me while I replay this
clip......bigjohn
[Try jerking it to still images.]
Dear Chadwick; What do you want for Christmas in the way of
material possessions? --Nancy
[How about a pair of your worn panties?]
Is it just a substitute teacher's fantasy, or is there some-
thing wrong with me that I find those Santa letters so
friggin' funny? --Lynn
[No...there's probably something wrong with you.]
Hey Chadwick, I was hoping to be able to run an idea past
you. Next time you decide to post one of your loser sub-
scriber written collums, don't, but instead, hand the pen
to TZ's wife. I'm sure you see her often enough to ask her
(wink), I'm interested to know how she met TZ, what made
her marry him, let him reproduce etc. --Lorraine
[Oh, I've met TZ's wife a few times. She's very nice, but
nervous around stangers. You have to approach her slowly
and let her sniff your hand a little bit until she gets
comfortable with you.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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ARCHIVES: Up Yours! Archives
More FREE Fun and Amusement via email! www.gophercentral.com
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End of UP YOURS!
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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