Publication: Up Yours!
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, September 2, 2006
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Dear Fat-asses,
I had a revelation the other night while I was having a drink
with a friend at a local bar. When the bartenderess came
over to take our drink orders she flashed me a gorgeous smile.
For a moment I was captivated. She had thick, honey blond
hair, hazel eyes and perfect teeth.
In fact, she was so attractive that it took me a couple moments
to notice that she was a fat, bloated cow! I mean, she wasn't
just pleasantly plump, because there is nothing wrong with a
woman with a few curves. This bitch was a porker. When she
turned to walk away her ass looked like a pair of bulldogs
wrestling in a nylon sack (but at least she had as ass...the
most pathetic thing in the world is a fat chick with no ass).
And it struck me that there is really no reason for such an
attractive young woman to have a body like a manatee. It's
just a damned shame. It's wasteful. And worst of all...it's
unnecessary! If you're ugly as sin and you weigh 275 pounds,
it's not so much of a tragedy. It's not like you were going
to get laid anyway. So you might as well have some physical
pleasure in your life, vis-a-vis a whole barbecue chicken for
breakfast every day.
But if you're an attractive woman...but you just happen to
be fifty or a hundred pounds overweight, the solution is oh,
so simple once you see it. You need to become a total slut.
I know what you're thinking...how much opportunity is there
for a fat chick to get laid? More than you might imagine.
There is a world full of pathetic, desperate guys out
there who are dying to get laid by any means necessary. And
you...you corpulent cuties...are that means. Sure, you're
going to be doing losers at first, but you're a loser too,
so why stand on pride?
And here's the payoff. Do you know how many calories sex
burns? Over 200 calories for one session. On average. If you
put in really energetic performances you could conceivably
burn a thousand calories in one night!
And there's an additional benefit, too. If you're spending
all of your free time either on your back or on your knees,
you're not going to have a lot of time for chicken wings and
mashed potatoes and gravy, are you? And, really, who wants
to eat after they've had a cock in their mouth all night?
I guarantee...take this approach and within weeks the pounds
will be melting off. Do it all! Oral, anal, lesbian, tag
teams, the more you can handle the faster that thin, hot chick
inside you will come out...and with her will come all of your
self-esteem...if you can get over the fact that you're a dirty
whore.
And if you're a good-looking fat dude, well, either get on a
diet or go fuck yourself, because nobody else will.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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><><><><><> CHADWICK'S FAVORITE HISTORICAL INSULTS <><><><><>
"I've got an idea; how about you go get a spoon, then you
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I don't know where you heard it but... I just looked up
Christopher Walken.......He's NOT dead! --Debora
[He's not?! Huh! Must have been wishful thinking. He
certainly looks it, though, doesn't he?]
You fuck head Chadwick. This is an old clip actually
featuring Christopher Walken, not a digitised version as
you seem to think it is. Don't you watch anything on TV
besides sport and porn? How about reading the clips that
go with the videos on your own page, dumb-arse. --Steve
[Let me put it this way...I don't watch sports.]
What do you think of Ann Coulter? --John
[Eh. She's a little scrawny, but I'd fuck her.]
You got on my nerve preaching like Pat Robertson or Falwell
last week...now you are making like Who??? Hell if I know.
Look, we subscribe in order to get a laugh from being in-
sulted, riduculed, put-down or f**ked over in general. But
not bored to death! Man, get yo shit together before I find
somebody else to metaphorically fart in my face. --Don
[Why don't you use your dog for that? You're probably down
there tea-bagging his balls already.]
Dear Chadwick; You are just jealous because you can't dance
like Christopher Walken. How many people wrote in and told
you he wasn't dead? Love always, Nancy
[Only about a dozen. Fuck, I didn't think so many people
gave a shit about a B-rate, mostly dead actor.]
Hey, katie's idea is nothing new, been around for centuries.
It's called an orphanage, and when it comes down to a choice
between staying there and being adopted by a regular family,
even these kids don't have to strain themselves to figure
out which is better. --Dennis
You article on "it takes a village" was EXCELLENT...I wish
it could get more exposure. Thanks for doing the research
and making a great argument covering all the bases. Fuck
you anyway....Lee
[Ahhh...thank you. My ass has been on fire since I had that
burrito last night and it needed at the kissing you just
gave it.]
you fucking rock, Chadwick. Katie is a twinkie and should
be shot. "Political correctness" is neither political nor
correct. Most of these sorry assholes just haven't a clue
about accepting and dealing with personal responsibility.
Now go spank yourself, dickhead. Love, Lynne
Your column is better when you, Chapbrains, SHUT THE FUCK
UP and present what other, more intelligent people have to
say. Katie actually had an idea. You don't You spout the
same 'fear of god' bullshit over and over. Go fear your
god, asshole. You entirely neglected to mention that in
this day and age, you don't let kids out of your sight
outdoors, because they could quickly be snapped up by some
paedophile predator, much like yourself. But when I was
young, I could go all over the neighborhood, learning from
each neighbor I stopped to interact with. THIS is how a
'villiage' raises a child, moron. It's something that porn-
obsessed pricks like you have utterly destroyed for the
children of today. --Chuck
[True enough. Children are not nearly as safe on the street
as they were 25-30 years ago. Kind of refutes the idea of
letting the 'village' raise your child, doesn't it? And
who were those neighbors 25-30 years ago who your parents
trusted so much to let you wander around unsupervised among
them? They were the generation who didn't get divorced, who
weren't afraid to beat the bloody hell out of their kids
and who went to church and synagogue and did other family
activities together. If Dad had an affair or beat his wife
she buttoned her lip and started drinking and abusing pre-
scription sedatives, like God intended.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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End of UP YOURS!
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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