Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - April 23, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
I have a small office in the basement of our house. I keep it
locked so that the kids don't go in there and mess it up, but
they always find the key and take the hidden candy out of the
filing cabinet. At least they don't really mess with anything
else in there though.
I went down there yesterday to get a sleeve of golf balls, and
lo and behold, the desk was spotless and the room was organized.
"Fuck," escaped my lips before any other thought materialized.
A year's worth of paperwork and stuff just vanished. I talked
to my wife and she said the room was beginning to bother her.
"Why?" I asked. "You're only ever in there for 30 seconds here
or there. It's not like it's in plain view."
"But I know it's there--those piles of paid bills, the receipts,
the bank statements...It calls to me. So I just put them in a
big pile in the drawer." she said.
"My balls call to you too, but I don't see you rushing to give
them a good scrubbing. Just for this violation of my personal
space I am going to insist you toss my salad tonight."
She looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. "Is that the
butt licking thing?"
"That's right," I said. "And even though you don't deserve it
I'll shower first."
Considerately,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
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A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and
he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told
the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.
The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man
wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out
the restaurant's specialty.
The waiter said that was the peach poosay, and he would order
it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter.
She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been
quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her
skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out
of her vagina. She picked up the rest of the pieces and did
the same.
The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually
expected to eat the peach after that?"
The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."
Paul was planning a move into his new house, which is only
two blocks away from his present house. So he called a moving
company for an estimate. All that Paul wanted the moving
company to move was his big, old grandfather clock. But the
moving company wanted to charge $350 for this, so Paul decided
that he would move it himself.
As he was on his way, he saw a drunk coming his way and tried
to avoid him, but, still, the drunk walked right into him.
Paul angrily shouted, "Hey! Watch where you are going, you
drunk bastard!"
The drunk replied, "You watch where you are going!"
Paul said, "No! You watch where YOU are going. Can't you see
that I'm carrying this clock?!"
The drunk said, "It's your fault! Why don't you just wear a
watch like everyone else?"
Q. Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco where short
skirts?
A. Because when they sit down, their balls hang out.
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SEX IN THE IRISH TRADITION
THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional
Irish aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips,
his mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the
ride." His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement
of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife,
enticing her with gentle words of passion - "Any chance of me
hole then love?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited
by the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips
sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy
reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever
fuck off!"
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of
the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts
provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side
down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his
hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the ancient
Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go"
Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant
8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double
vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a
trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is
very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to
be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of
encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly
"It never happens to the Milkman". Oral sex is a great
favorite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a
cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round
dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to
her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on
then", she says "but don't disturb me".
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as
the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.
Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he
may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've
shot me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up
for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving
compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest
woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the
Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken
dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is
speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a
kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if
they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word
of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his
level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner should be
a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This
takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy."
Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep and
commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world
performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the
kingdom of sex.
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