Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - April 25, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
"Honey, do you think you can store the snow blower in your folks
garage until we need it in winter?" My wife asked.
I looked around our garage: 5 bikes (two of them hanging out of
the way), the snow blower and a rolling tool cabinet.
"You are becoming obsessive compulsive," I said. "Leave the
garage alone. You don't need to clean it every few weeks. It's
clean and empty."
"I know, but..."
"No 'buts'. You're always tired--snoring on the sofa by 9. I
want you to stop cleaning because I need you awake at least a
couple nights a week. My balls are a permanent shade of blue."
"The kids track all the dirt from the garage into the house..."
"Listen carefully, Honey, if you need to clean something then
clean something that needs cleaning. And right now the things
that need cleaning the most are my pipes."
Spotlessly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
Send me your comments and jokes:
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GET A GRIP... With The Safety Bath Handle
No Home Should Be Without This IMPORTANT Safety Item
Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $8.79
Before we get to any information let's first say... No Tools
Required to install this. It's so easy ANY ONE can install it.
The Safety Bath Handle is an easy-to-grasp handle provides
that sturdy support when you get in and out of the tub.
It secures instantly to fiberglass or tile with sure-grip
suction cups - no tools needed! Just flip down the green tabs
to lock the handle securely on any surface - horizontal or
vertical. Also removes easily to use elsewhere when needed.
Made of durable plastic. 11" long and helps prevent dangerous
slips and falls for both kids and elderly. Can be used on shower
walls too!
Safety Bath Handle
What's the origin of the hand signals used in baseball today?
In the early 1900s, the New York Giants baseball team had a
pitcher named Luther H. Taylor. He was a deaf mute who was, in
an era of insensitivity, nicknamed "Dummy." Taylor lost a lot
of games due to his inability to communicate with his teammates.
John McGraw, the manager of the Giants, was under enormous
pressure from the team's owner, the fans and the sportswriters
to trade Taylor. Instead, McGraw (who seems to have been a Giant
of a man) required the entire Giant team to learn American Sign
Language. Once that was accomplished, McGraw used hand signals
to lead his team.
That's the origin of the hand signals that are used in baseball
today.
THE MAN CODE (I’m pretty sure this was stolen from an old issue
of Maxim)
This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker,
you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny
his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up
a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature
is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is
strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that
your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should
you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex
with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at
your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't
see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move
is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
MOP SLIPPERS... Dusting The Floors Has Never Been So Fun!
Store Price: $9.99
PulseTV Price: $5.99 or two pair for $9.98
Here's one of those products the minute you see it you
say... "What a great idea!" The Mop Slippers will bring a
Save your back and just slip these convenient mop slippers
onto your feet to easily dust mop your floors! Its easy to
clean those out of the way places without kneeling or
stooping. A great time saver... that's fun too! Nine inches
long with open-toed styling so one size fits all.
Fun and Unique Mop Slippers
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you
may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her
whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead
only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time
to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered
by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to
fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the
last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this
guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and
enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not join him...too gay.
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