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Classic Laff-a-Day - May 2, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
My wife is sneaky. She complains that I often zone out and don't
listen when she's speaking. I can usually fake my way through
proving to her that I was listening by giving her a almost
coherent regurgitation of the bits and pieces of the
conversation that I did catch. But sometimes, when she wants to
make a point she will spell the place or event or thing that she
is talking about. Now I don't care how good a half-listener you
are, if you ain't payin' attention when your spouse spells the
topic of discussion--you're fucked.
She usually saves this trick for the couch at 10 pm, but today
she pulled it while we were on the phone while I was at work.
I was reading something when she called and all I heard was,
"Yada yada yada yada yada yada, your son has a game at 5:45.
Yada yada yada yada..."
"I know," I said. "I told you I'd pick him up."
"So it's okay if we go?"
"Absolutely," I said even though I had no idea what she was
talking about.
"Wow."
"'Wow' what?" A cold chill went down my spine.
"I can't believe it was that easy."
"What was that easy?" The hair on the back of my neck rose.
"That you said I could take the girls and go."
"Oh, yeah, well..." My balls retreated into the safety of my
stomach.
"You have no idea what I just said, do you?"
"Gimme a break. Of course I do and it's no problem. You guys
go and have fun."
"Where are we going?"
My reply was authoritative and instant and a complete fucking
guess. "You're taking the girls to the pool."
"I swear, TZ, I can handle you not listening at night on the
sofa, but it's not even noon! I spelled 'Grandma's house' and
told you that we all couldn't go because of his baseball games
this weekend."
"Are you out of your fucking mind? You want to leave me and
him alone all fucking weekend? I got shit to do, and I'm
supposed to.... Hello? Hello?"
Distractedly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
Send me your comments and jokes:
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Mike, Joe and Bob get pulled over by a cop in Alabama.
"OK, boys, do you have any idea how fast you was goin'? You
was goin' so fast that I'm gonna give all y'all tickets. What
are your names?"
Mike looks around and sees a mall nearby. "Uhh.. my name? Well
uhh.. its uh.. Penney. J.C. Penney."
Cop: "OK, JC Penney. Judge gonna rake you over da coals."
The cop moves over to Joe. "What's your name, boy?"
Joe catches on to Mike's plan.
Joe: My name.. is uh. Max. T.J. Max."
cop: Well, Mr. T.J. Max you's in a heap a trouble.
The cop moves to Bob.
Both Joe and Mike are praying that bob catches on because Bob
wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
cop: "And you, boy, gimme your name."
Bob looks around for a minute and says, "My name is Ken."
Mike and Joe give a huge sigh of relief.
cop: Well, Ken, I'll be needin' your last name so's the judge
knows what to have written on your death certificate."
Bob: "Tuckey Fried Chicken."
Hey, TZ, On the Stephen Colbert show, he asked Tommy Chong what
he thought would be suitable punishment for Paris Hilton. He
said he would put her across his knees, lift her skirt, take
down her panties and give her a good licking. Signed, AP
TZ, This is not a joke. Your grammar is a joke. In the ad for
the Bovano backpack you use it's and its'. Each should just
be its. There is no such word as its'. A high-class site like
yours should do better. Signed, Bernard
Dear Bernard, We haven't been referred to as high-class since
our company outing to the whorehouse downtown. The Madaam was
impressed when we opted for the flavored condoms instead of
just the regular.
As for the bad grammar, I forwarded your note to the appropriate
person--who will probably ignore it. TZ
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Even dogs miss their glory days...
My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car
stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked
the driver if we could help. No, he replied, there was no
trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. When we turned
back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the
open passenger-side front window of our car.
"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog
obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol
car."
He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to
work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."
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