Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - May 1, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
I just made a shitload of changes to an Excel spreadsheet and
neglected to save the changes. When the little popup window
chimed and asked if I wanted to save changes, I, being the
dickhead that I am, clicked "no".
When I woke up this morning I knew it was going to be a bad day.
I was lying in bed thinking, "Call in sick and stay in bed."
I got out of bed when I realized that I have the same thought
every morning.
Man, why couldn't my dad have been a Robber Barron and screwed
a million people out of a billion dollars? Then I could spend
my days painting, or flying, or shoving smooth objects up my
ass. I guess he'd end up burning in hell--but at least I
wouldn't have to work.
A-small-price-to-pay-ly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage
will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
will forget about the toothache.
The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office
asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration
is a serious problem.
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another
chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends;
you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
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A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale,
sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver,
she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see
the numbers."
Clean Laffs Joe found some spam in his mailbox this morning
that said in big letters, "Satisfy the girl with a bigger
dick!"
"Hell," Joe said, "I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl
with a dick that's bigger than mine."
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