Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - April 2, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
Mother's Day is coming and I remember last year's headache. She
thought I was being selfish when I decided to go golfing in the
morning.
"But I took you out for a nice steak last night," I protested.
"Then I gave you an orgasm. I mean, come on, give credit where
credit is due."
"But you had a steak and an orgasm, too, so you had exactly
what I had--and you had yours first. Isn't Mother's Day
supposed to be special--for the mother?"
"OK, here," I said scribbling onto a napkin. "This is
redeemable in the next thirty days. After that it's null and
void."
She took and read it: "'This note is good for 7 minutes of oral
pleasure that is not expected to be reciprocated. Anything
beyond 7 minutes will begin to accrue reciprocity at a
2:1 ratio. So for every additional minute received, you will
owe me 2.'" She looked at me. "You have officially become a
pig."
"What, now you want to tell me that muff diving isn't good
enough? Sheesh! I don't think I'll ever understand women."
In-the-dark-ly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
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Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local
election for tax collector.
One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the
operator of the drawbridge over the local river.
"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked.
"No, I don't think so," the other replied.
"Why not?" the first farmer asked.
"Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I
looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin'
strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine,
and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum.
"I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I
seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I
used that.
"Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my
bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle.
"Well sir, that scared my bull somethin' awful and he busted out
of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence
and went runnin' down the road.
"He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge
that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and
my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned.
"Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man
that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference
between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass?"
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
If Liberace ate pussy
He'd still be with us
"George Washington had fifty-five children with slaves, so he
was also the illegitimate father of the country. We should take
him off the dollar and put him on food stamps."
---The Mooney Twins
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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him
an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood
up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick
it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way
my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and
said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
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