Publication: Classic Laffaday
I Takes It Whens I Wants It | |
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Classic Laff-a-Day - April 18, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
I'm starting to get pissed off because my wife ain't puttin' out
lately. It's not that she doesn't find me completely
irresistible, because she does. I mean it's almost unnatural the
way she feels about me. But say I'm in the mood for some hip
grinding, ass slapping, loud screaming, porky pigging and she
isn't--then I get shut down and isolated quicker than the
Gaza Strip.
Why just last night I was feeling amorous and made the advances
that a husband has the right to make and she protested loudly.
"Stop that, TZ!" she actually hissed.
"What?" I was incredulous. "I need it now and our deal when we
first got married was that neither of us would withhold sex
from the other, ever. When either one of us felt the need we
agreed to simply take it. Now, after 16 years you have broken
our covenant. For shame! I now consider myself free to fulfill
my carnal desires elsewhere. You, my wife, are on notice."
"Ha!" she laughed. "How many times have I tried to cash in on
that vow only to have you unable to 'raise the mast' and take
care of me? But right now I say no because we're on the couch
and the kids are at the table doing their homework. But I
challenge you to a bout tonight when they're asleep."
"Forget it," I said. "By then I won't be in the mood."
"As usual: all talk and no action."
I-want-it-when-I-want-itly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
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Jay Leno: "After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three
parts ... regular, premium, and unleaded."
My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so
I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.
I have my car towed to work because it's cheaper than buying gas.
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that
said, "Wife and 2 Cars to Feed."
For our vacation this summer, we're thinking it will be cheaper to
just mail the car.
Jay Leno: "At the gas station near my house they have a slot on
the pump for your credit card, and one right next to it for your
401-K."
"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a
field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue
musk and did the clue mating dance."
---Edward Flaherty.
"Yes," the English Lord told his guest, "everything in this
castle was built the hard way. Life is not worth living without
challenge! The land on which it was raised? A swamp. I had it
drained and filled with rocks and timber. These beams," he
gestured grandly, "came from trees cut from woods in Spain.
The stone was quarried in Africa under the very eyes of
cannibals."
Just then a beautiful young woman walked over. The English
Lord announced, "This is my daughter Elizabeth."
Returning the guest's curious stare, the English Lord confided,
"Yes... on a horse in a raging thunderstorm."
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Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian
were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and
announces that he has some good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby
boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."
The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy
goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking
him.
"What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "He is obviously
my son."
"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't accidentally want
to get the Canadian kid."
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