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Classic Laff-a-Day - April 15, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
Lewis was in my office and asked me if youtube had pornography.
"I don't know," I said. "I never checked."
"Well look up 'female masturbation'."
So I went to youtube and began typing: m a s t e r
He said, "Masturbation is spelled with a u not an e."
"Hey," I said. "I know how to do it--I don't have to know how
to spell it."
Pumpingly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
Send me your comments and jokes:
Submit a Comment
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A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the
desert when they had a flat tire on the car. Getting out, the
boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a
cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.
He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change
the tire and for her just to wait there.
"Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked, "Hows about you get down off of
that horse and come over here and change this tire."
The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him. "Hey,
Shithead, I told you to get over here and change this tire or
I'm going to kick your ass."
The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what,
fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down
off my horse, kick your ass and make you change that tire. Then
while I screw your girlfriend I'm gonna make you hold my
balls up out of the hot sand."
Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend
says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?"
"Naw, he wasn't so tough," said the guy. "Did you see him flinch
every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"
"It's so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of
two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I'm a real defensive
person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you
were something to eat."
---Richard Pryor
The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-fat
Communion wafer. It is called:
"I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus."
HOME SECURITY DOOR ALARM
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DEAL PRICE: $9.99 or get two for $15.98
When you see this you'll wonder... how the heck does this work?
It's a door alarm that ANYONE can install... without any special
wiring, on any non-metallic door.
This handy device will sound an instant ear piercing alarm if
anyone touches your door knob. The 2-in-1 Alarm is great
protection against unwanted visitors.
Best of all, besides the price, is No Wiring Needed!
And if you're like me and wonder how it does work, visit the
site and click on the link to watch the short video. Grab one
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Shakespearian Insult Kit
Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this
handy table to construct a Shakespearean insult. Combine one
word from each of the three columns below, and preface it
with the word "Thou":
|___Column_1___|____Columm_2____|____Column_3____|
| artless | base-court | apple-john |
| bawdy | bat-fowling | baggage |
| beslubbering | beef-witted | barnacle |
| bootless | beetle-headed | bladder |
| churlish | boil-brained | boar-pig |
| cockered | clapper-clawed | bugbear |
| clouted | clay-brained | bum-bailey |
| craven | common-kissing | canker-blossom |
| currish | crook-pated | clack-dish |
| dankish | dismal-dreaming| clotpole |
| dissembling | dizzy-eyed | coxcomb |
| droning | doghearted | codpiece |
| errant | dread-bolted | death-token |
| fawning | earth-vexing | dewberry |
| fobbing | elf-skinned | flap-dragon |
| froward | fat-kidneyed | flax-wench |
| frothy | fen-sucked | flirt-gill |
| gleeking | flap-mouthed | foot-licker |
| goatish | fly-bitten | fustilarian |
| gorbellied | folly-fallen | giglet |
| impertinent | fool-born | gudgeon |
| infectious | full-gorged | haggard |
| jarring | guts-griping | harpy |
| loggerheaded | half-faced | hedge-pig |
| lumpish | hasty-witted | horn-beast |
| mammering | hedge-born | hugger-mugger |
| mangled | hell-hated | joithead |
| mewling | idle-headed | lewdster |
| paunchy | ill-breeding | lout |
| pribbling | ill-nurtured | maggot-pie |
| puking | knotty-pated | malt-worm |
| puny | milk-livered | mammet |
| qualling | motley-minded | measle |
| rank | onion-eyed | minnow |
| reeky | plume-plucked | miscreant |
| roguish | pottle-deep | moldwarp |
| ruttish | pox-marked | mumble-news |
| saucy | reeling-ripe | nut-hook |
| spleeny | rough-hewn | pigeon-egg |
| spongy | rude-growing | pignut |
| surly | rump-fed | puttock |
| tottering | shard-borne | pumpion |
| unmuzzled | sheep-biting | ratsbane |
| vain | spur-galled | scut |
| venomed | swag-bellied | skainsmate |
| villainous | tardy-gaited | strumpet |
| warped | tickle-brained | varlet |
| wayward | toad-spotted | vassal |
| weedy | unchin-snouted | whey-face |
| yeasty | weather-bitten | wagtail |
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