Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - March 12, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
Satan stopped me as I was heading out the door.
"You going to lunch?" she asked.
"If you're asking because you want to go with me then, no, I
stopped eating food a long time ago."
"I'd rather eat with the Mongol Horde and be their love slave
instead of eating with you," she fired back. "No, I need you to
cash this check and give it to the girls who are going out of
town tomorrow."
So I stopped at the bank, got the cash and gave it to the
woman who is our EVP of something or other. She was talking to
some guy near the office doorway.
"Here you go," I said handing her the stack of cash. "And next
time, if you want this much again, I expect you to do a bunch
of Kegel exercises. OK?"
She looked at me and the guy's jaw dropped open. I smiled.
She finally said, "TZ, I'd like you to meet Bob, my husband."
"Oh," I said reaching out and shaking his hand. "Very nice to
meet you."
Tactfully,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
Send me your comments and jokes:
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10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- There's a dick up your ass.
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of
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- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather
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- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
"Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago
my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one
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---Tom Ryan
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"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved
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sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father
doesn't even want to sleep with my mother."
---Dennis Wolfberg
What's the first sign of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in your ass.
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We have been neighbors with the couple next door for nearly ten
years. He's 37 and she's 34. He's an engineer and she's in
finance. They're both blonde and they do not have children. I've
always wanted to ask them if they were childless by choice or if
it was his sack or her gulley that had run dry. I'm curious
about their decision because I want everybody to experience the
joys of parenthood. Here's a quick comparison of our lives.
He has a Corvette convertible that she doesn't drive,
I have a four door with footprints on the ceiling.
He has one small, white kitchen bag of garbage every Wednesday,
I have a massive can that requires motorized help to lift.
He has a wife who mows the lawn in a bikini,
I mow the lawn in a Speedo.
They sit on their deck watching the sunset and conversing,
my wife falls asleep on the couch and I watch the news.
I've never heard a sound coming from their house,
The yelling and din of wheeling and dealing that comes from my
house sounds like the Barnum and Bailey Circus.
He pays attention to his 401(k) and stock portfolio,
I lose sleep over college funds, and whether the kids will be
healthy people with something to offer society (like their dad
does), or if they are going to be self-mutilators and clock
tower snipers.
Yeah, it may look like they've got it made, but you haven't
lived until your four-year-old son has looked you in the eye
and screamed, "Shut up, you stupid cacahead!"
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