Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - March 21, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
My kids and I were sitting in the car waiting for my wife to
come out of the supermarket, when a wrinkly old lady pulled
into the spot next to us. She was a bit too close and I thought,
'she's gonna ding my door.'
Sure enough she opened her door and it banged into mine. She
looked at me and panicked. I looked at her, smiled and said,
"It's OK. Don't worry about it."
She kept looking down at my door then looking back up at my
face. I was worried the poor old bird was going to have a heart
attack.
"Really," I said, "don't worry. No problem."
Without a word, she walked to the store keeping half an eye on
me.
"If that would have been us you would kill us," my kids said.
"Yeah, because you're mindless pigs."
"That's not fair."
"OK, I'll make you a deal. When you're 110 years-old you can
ding whatever hunk of junk I'm driving and I won't say
anything."
"You'll be dead by then," said my nine-year-old.
My eleven-year-old chimed in, "He'll be dead a long time
before that."
"Hey, lose the enthusiasm from your voice, got it?"
Can't-waitingly
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
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A shy Welsh village man, Elwyn, noticed that a beautiful girl
had moved in next door. But Elwyn was shy so every time he saw
her in the garden or in the street he couldn't think of what to
say, so he would say 'good morning miss' or 'good afternoon
miss' and hurry off about his business.
He talked to his friend in the bar. "Jones," he said, "a
beautiful girl lives next door to me, but I don't know how to
chat girls up, I've never done it before."
Jones said, "All you have to do is say to her 'good morning miss.
It’s a beautiful day isn't it? What beautiful flowers in your
garden.’ That will get the conversation going."
Elwyn practiced this in front of a mirror for a few days. Then
one night at the local pub he saw her. Elwyn stood near the bar
trying to pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. He was
nearly ready when the girl got up and went to the washroom.
This is it, thought Elwyn, its now or never. So he stood outside
the washroom and waited. She was ever such a long time that poor
Elwyn was starting to lose his nerve. He was just about to walk
away when the girl came out. There she was, right in front of him
looking beautiful.
Elwyn said, "Erm, erm g-good evening, miss."
She said, "Good evening."
He continued, "It’s a b-beautiful day isn't it?"
"Yes," she said, "it is a splendid day."
Encouraged he went on. "I’m your neighbor, and I must tell you
you have a lovely garden."
She smiled, "Thank you. I think so, too."
Stuck for something else to talk about, Elwyn stammered, "Erm,
erm, err, ah, you've just had a shit, have you?"
Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes
well enough to break them for.
---Unknown
"'I have done that,' says my memory. 'I cannot have done
that' - says my pride, and remains adamant. At last - memory
yields."
---Friedrich Nietzsche
Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The
Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought
or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the
last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets
the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of
speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway
and lost him."
----Emo Philips
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Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of
Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and
in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have
interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was
escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners.
One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before
him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter
innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.
Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's
curiosity was aroused.
"You," he called. "You, there!"
The prisoner looked up. "Yes, your majesty?"
"Why are you here?"
"Armed robbery, your majesty."
"And are you guilty?"
"Entirely guilty, your majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."
At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said,
"Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him
here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid
innocent people who occupy it."
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