Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - May 13, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
I was at my son's little league game and a few of the fathers
were standing around talking about politics. I didn't say much
because it was the last game of the season and I saw no reason
to spoil their delusions of intellect. I wasn't able to refrain
completely, though. Once someone brought up the current
administration I had to jump in.
"I'm quite sure this period of time will go down in the anals
of history as one of America's most bleak..."
The most delusional of the bunch cut in, "Excuse me, TZ, but I
believe the word you meant to use is 'annals'--with two Ns."
I said, "Potato, potahto--anal, annal. Nobody wants to study
either one."
Verbosely,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
Send me your comments and jokes:
Submit a Comment
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Remember this?
The following small quiz consists of 4 questions. It tells
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Around 90%
of the professionals failed the exam.
Questions:
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly,
this one may be your last chance to testify your qualifications
to be a professional.
4. There is a river, which is infested by crocodiles. How do you
manage to cross it?
Answers:
1. The correct answer is open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you
are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant
and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the
refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door. This tests your prudence.
3. Correct Answer: The Elephant!...It's still in the
refrigerator! This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking.
4. Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles
are attending the Animal Meeting! I hope you got this one
correct at least!
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right
to be taken seriously."
--- Humbert H. Humphrey, 1911-1978
I walked into Satan’s office this morning and found her laughing
evilly over a game piece off a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee.
"What are you doing?" I interrupted.
"I just won a half dozen of donuts! The old saying is true,
‘when faced with a multiple choice question, and you don’t know
the answer, pick ‘B’!"
"I always heard it was ‘C’?"
She got so excited. "Well, yesterday it was ‘C’," she said as
she rifled through a pile of winning game pieces on her desk.
"But look at this one, it’s ‘D’... Here’s another ‘A’... No
matter, I know the answers anyway. I haven’t paid for breakfast
in a week, and at this rate I may not ever again!"
Speechlessly I looked at her. "I don’t know how much money you
make, but I’m thinking maybe you need a raise."
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UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
A. build a bridge
B. sail the ocean
C. lead an army or
D. WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
A. Jewish
B. Catholic
C. Hindu
D. Polish
E. Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
A. Westerners
B. Southerners
C. Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
A. Macy's
B. a 7-11
C. Canada
D. the sky
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12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A. yes
B. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
A. New York
B. Florida
C. Canada
C. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples
do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The University of Miami tradition for efficiency began
when? (approximately)
A. B.C.
B. A.D.
D. still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to
qualify.
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