Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - April 30, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
This afternoon I received 17 notices from our computer system
informing me that a bunch of publishers have been deleted out
of the system. I had no idea why anybody would do that, and
since I am the least technical schmoe here I saw no reason that
I would be the one to get these messages. So I did what any
normal person would do in this situation: I called IT.
The head geek came over, sat at my desk, punched a few keys and
said, "Yep, all these publishers have been deleted."
I didn't even try to hide my condescension, "I guess that would
explain the 17 deletion notices, huh?"
"Yep," he said unphased.
"Well, why am I getting the notifications?"
"I guess you did it."
"But I didn't."
"OK, let's see." And he punched some more keys and clicked a
few drop-down menus then scrolled with the mouse until he
finally said. "Yep, here it is. All these guys have been deleted
by you."
"But I told you I wasn't even in the system. I wouldn't know how
to delete them if I wanted to."
"Here," he said pointing on my screen, "see this?" It was his
turn to be condescending.
"Yes."
"That's the publisher that's been deleted."
"OK."
"Now see this?" he asked pointing in a different spot.
"Yes."
"That's the person who deleted them."
"OK, who is it?"
"It's you."
"Get the fuck out of my office."
"What?"
"Just get the fuck out of my office."
"What--that's your code!"
"Get the fuck out of my office before I smash the fucking
monitor over your fucking head."
Uncomprehendingly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
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Remember this?
1. Grab a calculator. You won't be able to do this in your head.
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the
area code).
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last four numbers of your phone number
7. Add the last four numbers of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer? It should be your phone number.
If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends, you are
safe doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it,
that is the time to hold your tongue.
---Alice Miller
"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in
the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault
with the rest of us."
---James Truslow Adams
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A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere,
tubes running over his body like a spider's web, nearly comatose.
A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very
nearly the same condition.
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes
puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few
days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his
hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to
himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."
This act tired them both out so badly it was another day before
they had the strength to try again.The first man weakly pointed
to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."
The second man replied, "Irish."
Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In
another couple of days they were at it again.
Jimmy took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength
to cough out, "Glasgow."
Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."
This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.
"Cancer," said Jimmy.
Paddy replied, "Sagittarius."
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*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***
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