Publication: Classic Bizarre
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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, October 6, 2006
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Colin Powell recently revealed that he was fired by
President Bush. Do you agree that this was a good decision?
Question of the Week
Greetings fellow Bizarros:
The last few days have been very big for news.
In a follow up to last week's issue - Robert Blake has pleaded
'not guilty' to murdering his wife, despite a mountain of
evidence accumulated by police over the last year including:
the murder weapon itself, a bloody glove, a stained blue dress
and the Zapruder film. In a statement that makes Johnnie
Cochran sound like Daniel Webster, Blake's attorney said,
"His defense is simple, he didn't do it." In California this
makes as much sense as the "he needed killing" defense does
in Texas.
The entertainment world is saddened by the loss of Linda
Boreman, who died yesterday at the age of 53 due to injuries
she suffered in a car crash. Millions of 45 to 50-year-old
men remember her fondly as Linda Lovelace in the 1972
pornographic film "Deep Throat." Ironically enough, despite
being a porn icon, Boreman was a strong anti-porn advocate
later in her life, claiming she was forced into doing "Deep
Throat" by her husband at the time.
Plus, pollution may be killing off your sperm! A recent study
at the University of Southern California's School of Medicine
indicates that high ozone levels produced by pollutants in
the lower atmosphere may be linked to lower sperm counts in
otherwise healthy men. We're talking inhalants, men. So every
time you run that gas-powered lawn mower you could be dooming
your future son or daughter.
In international news, France is in political turmoil as
extremist party leader Jean-Marie Le Pen wins the French
presidential primary. An advocate of the Far Right, Le Pen
has promised to halt immigration into France and guide
France out of the EU if he is elected president. Thousands
of embarrassed Frenchmen and women immediately began
rioting in Paris and other cities, carrying signs reading,
"We didn't really think he would win" and "We were drunk."
Police responded by enthusiastically firing tear gas into
the crowds and molesting small farm animals.
I'll keep an eye on developments and let you know if they
find anyone to surrender to. And now, on to the more bizarre
side of the news...
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
+--------- Political Witticisms from Will Rogers ----------+
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -
and that was the closest our country has ever been to being
even."
"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
"The man with the best job in the country is the Vice-
President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say
'How is the president?'"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can
find a rock."
"Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches."
"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek
once a year with it in your pockets. All that don't get wet
you can keep."
[Will Rogers was a popular American humorist of stage and
films in the early 1900s. His homespun philosophy appealed
to a very wide audience, so much so that he was even offered
nomination for Governor of Oklahoma. He declined the same.]
***
-- U.S. Computer Embarrassed by Japanese Genius Computer ---
A new Japanese supercomputer has taken the title of world's
fastest computer away from the United States. The Japanese
NEC Earth Simulator processes data five times faster than
its closest competitor. It works at a speed of 35,600 giga-
flops compared to its closest rival, IBM's ASCI White,
which runs at a speed of 7,226 gigaflops. A gigaflop equals
a billion mathematical operations per second. The NEC Earth
Simulator is as large as four tennis courts and creates a
"virtual planet Earth" to predict climate patterns.
------------------------------------------------------------
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------------------------------------------------------------
---- Disgruntled Ex-worker Flings Fish at Strip Club -----
OTTAWA, Canada - There's something fishy about this story,
eh. A woman in Ottawa flung baggies filled with tuna around
Fanny's Cabaret after she was fired from the strip club the
day before. According to Det. Dan Brown, the 34-year-old
stripper returned to the club at about 12:30 p.m, intent
on resuming her duties. She was again told she did not work
there, and that's when the tuna hit the fan. This episode
saw baggies filled with tuna dumped around the strip club's
coat check and champagne rooms, covering tables, chairs and
walls. After her "fish fit," the woman emptied two canisters
of pepper spray near the bar of the club. The pepper spray
and stench of tuna overcame seven employees and six patrons
in the club, who began pouring out the front door. The woman
was charged with assault, theft, administering a noxious
substance and possession of a prohibited weapon.
-------- "Dead" Man Attends His Own Memorial Service -------
INDIA - It's another case of a family cremating the wrong
body. It all started when police recently found a mutilated,
unidentified body on railroad tracks near Vadodara. A man
saw pictures of the unfortunate death in a local paper and
immediately thought it was his nephew. He and the rest of
the family mistakenly identified the body at the morgue and
chose to cremate the body. After the cremation, the family
met to mourn the loss of their loved one. Just as they
gathered, the supposedly deceased family member, Khodidas
Rajput, entered the room. The family was stunned and in-
stantly realized the error. They were reportedly "surprised
when he walked into the meeting." To say the least. Police
still don't know the true identity of the deceased.
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm Walking Here....
Here's an item (the Telescopic Walking Stick) that I never
really thought I would use. But I decided to try it out
when we went for a walk along a trail a few weeks ago.
It was fun to use.... yes I said fun. When we would come up
to a stream, I would poke at things in it. I also used it
when I wanted to venture off the beaten path, just to make
sure that there were no snakes in front of me. Believe it or
not, it made the walk more enjoyable. Check it out and the
unbelievable low price.
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Whether you're an avid hiker or just looking for a little
extra help walking around, the Telescopic Walking Stick is
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and the spring loaded shaft helps reduce strain on your wrists,
back, knees, legs and feet. With a built in compass it will get
you through hard rocky terrain or just across the street.
Make Walking Fun with The Walking Stick
------------------------------------------------------------
---------- Say Goodbye: It's the End of the World ----------
CANADA - Drama teachers prefaced their lesson for the day
with the usual disclaimer that everything within their skit
would be fictitious. Unfortunately, some drama students at
Bushfield Community College in Peterborough were unable to
separate fact from fiction on this fateful day. In that
day's drama lesson, teachers pretended to cry as they
informed students that Osama bin Laden had escaped from
Afghanistan and detonated a nuclear bomb in Britain.
Furthermore, the teachers told the students to call their
parents and say goodbye because the end of the world would
be in minutes. Some students left the room in tears, worry-
ing about their loved ones. The teachers claim the students
"took it out of context", but education chiefs have
officially apologized on behalf of the school for any
alarm they caused for the 15 and 16-year-old students.
------ The Wild World of Ironing Heats Ups in Munich -------
MUNICH, Germany - This is what you've all been waiting for:
the Extreme Ironing World Championships. The two-day Munich
event will be held in September to coincide with Oktoberfest.
Events include ironing while standing on a mountainside,
in water, and in the woods. Ironing can also be combined
with other sports like hiking, climbing, and diving. Organ-
izer Kai Zosseder explained that "A jury will grade them
according to their creativity, style, time, and the result."
Over 60 people have already signed up to participate. The
"sport" was invented by reigning world champion Phil Shaw.
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis, The ban on Anal Sex in the UK was repealed about three
years ago. Something Tony Blair doesn't mention much in his
foreign addresses, but I think he should. "Come to Britain-
We have bad teeth, fish & chips, and legal Butt Love!" -Roger
[At least now the Royal Navy won't have to feel so embarras-
sed.]
Maxim did that for all 13 of the cities in that magazine. It
was an April Fools joke. Detroit also made the list... but
afterwards it listed 12 other cities which were the worst
in the world (all of which were claimed to be the best city
in the world by the magazine in their respective areas).
The editors of Maxim were on the radio here in Detroit and
explained the joke.
Lewis - I was wondering...what's the best way to ruin another
person's life? -Amanda, MI
[Try marrying him.]
Bizarre News is funnier than "Psycho," and more chilling than
"Jeeves Takes Charge." It gives a whole new meaning to the
word "snoik." --Chris
[Shibby.]
Hey Lewis -- A girl's always looking for a man with a sense
of humor... you married by any chance?
[Yes I am. But my wife will be glad to know I'm still in
demand. Thank you.]
Too funny Lewis! Can I come to work for you so I can admire
your staff too? -Katha
[It's not that kind of work, Katha.]
36DD? HA! that's nothing... what do you think of a 38F? --sky
[I think you're going to need a chiropractor.]
Lewis, I have Brittany Spears bound, gagged, and locked in
a closet. If my demands are NOT met, I WILL TURN HER LOOSE!
First, you will print all comments I send you... -David Rasey
[You have just described the fantasy of about 12 million 13
year-old boys.]
Lewis, The worst thing concerning this matter is that every
reporter and column writer I have read or heard, not one has
voiced or written that a man is innocent until proven guilty
in this country. Maybe you need to rewrite some of your re-
marks.
[Who do YOU think did it, Fred the parrot?]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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