Publication: Classic Bizarre
Getting Away With Murder | |
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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, November 25, 2006
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Colin Powell recently revealed that he was fired by
President Bush. Do you agree that this was a good decision?
Question of the Week
Greetings fellow Bizarros:
A gross breach of justice is occurring right now in Los
Angeles. Actor Robert Blake (of "Baretta" fame) and his
bodyguard were arrested Thursday in the shooting death of
Blake's wife nearly a year ago.
After an exhaustive investigation and hundreds of interviews,
Police Chief Bernard Parks said there was enough "physical
and significant circumstantial evidence" to warrant the
arrests. Police will ask prosecutors to charge Blake with
one count of murder and two counts of solicitation of murder.
In true LA fashion, the entire arrest was captured on video
including the drive to the police station, filmed from a
news helicopter. The whole episode smacked of O.J. and not
a soul who owned a television in 1995 failed to recognize it.
Now why should this poor bastard go to jail for liquidating
his wife when "The Juice" is in Florida right now working on
his short game? They are both marginal to poor actors. They
were both decades past their prime at the times of their
respective murders. If the system is going to grossly fail
to dispense justice it must grossly fail to dispense justice
for everyone equally!
Of course, Blake may still go free after a year-long trial
during which the networks will make hundreds of millions of
dollars, but can America survive another such blow to its
public image? Can Americans watch another such trial on
television without turning to the streets and fire-bombing
lawyers' offices in protest?
Perhaps the fact that Blake looks a lot more like a murderer
than O.J. did will weigh on the jury.
The only hope we have is that Blake doesn't have nearly as
much money as O.J. did at the time of his trial. But fear
is still running high as Johnnie Cochran's office has been
refusing telephone calls.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+
ENGLAND
Chelsea Pensioner may not be impersonated.
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public
conveyance.
In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in
public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
Anal sex is prohibited.
It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is
on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand
is on the vehicle.
In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and
arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.
***
------------------------- Thank You ------------------------
SAN FRANCISCO - It's not nice to call someone "chicken butt"
on the air - but it's not slanderous either. A state appeals
court this week dismissed a slander lawsuit filed against a
radio station by a former contestant of the Fox television
show "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire." Jennifer Seelig
sued KLLC-FM in San Francisco after a DJ called her a "local
loser" and a "chicken butt." The Court of Appeal said Seelig
had no cause to sue because she had invited media scrutiny
when she agreed to appear on the TV show. It said the com-
ments were merely an expression of opinion. The court also
ruled Seelig must pay the legal fees of the station and its
employees under a state law that penalizes suits that seek
to squelch free speech.
[Taken from washingtonpost.com]
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------ Would-Be Thieves Learn For Whom The Bell Tolls ------
MERELBEKE, Belgium - The chiming bells of a Belgian church
were not music to the ears of a pair of would-be thieves
when the duo set them off during an attempted robbery. The
bells were reportedly attached to the collection box they
were trying to steal and began to toll as soon as they
picked it up. This makeshift alarm system had been rigged
up by the priest at St. Pieterschurch in Merelbeke who was
worried about break-ins. The priest told reporters he
called police when he hears the bells toll in the middle
of the night. A man and woman have been arrested as sus-
pects in the attempted robbery.
- German Couple Makes Waves After Hours In Furniture Store -
GERMANY - How is this for quality control? A German couple
received a firm scolding by police after they allegedly hid
in a furniture store until it closed so they could test its
water beds for sex. The amorous pair was caught by police
after setting off alarms as they left after their four-hour
love-making session. They told police they were worried
about spending so much without a full test. Officers let
them go with a warning about wasting police time. "Even
though I got a telling off it was worth it - the sex was
world class," the man later exclaimed to reporters.
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--------- Another Semen-Smuggling Scheme Gone Awry ---------
PENNSYLVANIA - What do you do if you are a prison guard and
a mobster inmate tries to bribe you? You help him with his
semen-smuggling scheme, of course. Mobster Antonio Parla-
vecchio wanted to get his wife pregnant, but wouldn't be
seeing the light of day anytime soon. So, he bribed prison
guard Troy Kemmerer to smuggle out his "deposits" to his
wife, Maria. Between three smuggling attempts, prison
authorities somehow discovered the plot and charged the
guard with bribery and conspiracy. Kemmerer has been sen-
tenced to 27 months in jail. Furthermore, the mobster
received an additional racketeering charge good for six
months added to his stay. All that, and the Mrs. didn't
even get pregnant.
------------------- Another Oral Tragedy -------------------
ST ALBANS, Hertfordshire - A smirking exhibitionist got more
than he bargained for when he tried approaching an unsus-
pecting target in the park. As he neared medical secretary
Jacqui Jones and her German Shepherd named Tara, the dog
defended its owner and attacked the man. He bit the flasher
in the genitals, and the shocked perpetrator fled the scene.
Jones told the local newspaper, "I could see the man was in
a state of excitement but Tara wiped the smile off his face.
He hobbled away doubled up in agony." Poor thing. Guess he
won't be flashing anyone else for a while.
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I want to tell you how much I love your newsletter. The stories
are really high in quantity as well as quality. It is obvious
that your staff puts a great deal of effort in each and every
newsletter. Excellent! -Linda
[Yes, well, I'm very proud of my staff. I give my staff a lot
of attention and it's nice when somebody notices.]
Where do I send my 36DD to? --Tracy
[That would be to me. Please provide picture of product in
use.]
Actually, it goes a step further. It's only slander if you KNOW
what you are saying is not true. -Cyn
[Then I should be completely safe, because I hardly ever know
what the hell I'm saying.]
Dear Lewis: A few issues ago I read a story about a man with
a brain tumor who decided to commit suicide, but by a freak
accident shot off only his tumor. I told this to my psychology
teacher, and he would like a copy of the article if possible.
Is there any way you could resend me this portion? -Kathryn
[Several readers wrote in to tell me that this story is an
urban legend. Since I could never confirm it I hesitate to
circulate it around.]
Lewis, think for a moment. If the odds of hitting all five
numbers in that big lottery are 1 in 76.2 million, whether
they sell one ticket or ten billion tickets, it is still 1
in 76.2 million that any particular ticket will hit. -martha
[I'll agree with that. Thanks for the correction.]
Maxim magazine claimed NYC the greatest city in the world. I
thought that was so great until I travelled to Albuquerque
from NJ, and had a connecting flight at Dallas where I saw
the same magazine... and on the cover it said Dallas is the
greatest city. I love the way people think evilly. -Amanda
[Those bastards. They did the same thing in Chicago.]
Hi. Whenever I go to unsubscribe to your newsletter the page
won't come up.... Is there another way I can get off? -Sue
[Ahem...there are several methods by which you can get your-
self off...]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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