Publication: Classic Bizarre
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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, March 23, 2007
"A wild journey into the history of the most
bizarre stories EVER."
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:
Well, the results are in from our Bizarre News Poll about who
BN subscribers thought was worthy of the Bizarre News 'Piece'
Prize. And just as I thought, you thought what I thought you
would think... (Translation: I know you all too well.)
Even though these weren't the most glamorous of celebrities
to choose from, many of you were able to pick out the best
looking people who are, and bring you, the news. We left out
obvious sex symbols like Strom Thurmond and Janet Reno for the
sake of having a little variance in the responses.
Coming in first place for the ladies, as voted by the men
(and possibly some women) in the audience, the cute and
petite Katie Couric from the Today Show, receiving 417 votes
out of a total of 1,674 tallies for all candidates. While so
many of you picked her as the hottest newswoman, I've always
been a little creeped out by her since she did that piece
on colon cancer, featuring her on-camera colonoscopy. I feel
like I know her a little too well.
As for the men, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, absolutely pummeled
his sub par competition of Tony Blair, Colin Powell, Tom Brokaw
and Brian Williams. Now, ladies, I know this guy used to be
a former pro-wrestler and has a very masculine physique, but
does this guy really do it for you? Personally, I think he
looks like the guy who got disqualified from the arm-wrestling
tournament for taking horse tranquilizers to dull the pain
after competitions. But, that's why we have these polls and
also why I'm not the governor of Minnesota.
Don't tell my wife, but I was secretly pulling for Condoliza
Rice to edge out the other ladies. Not that I'm trying to keep
anything from my wife about my preference for newswomen, but
it's just that she resembles our cleaning lady a little too
much.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
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------------- Montana Gets The Election Blues --------------
GREAT FALLS, Montana - Although it may appear to be the case,
Stan Jones is not representing the Blue Party in his run for
Senate. The 63-year-old Libertarian has managed to turn his
skin permanently blue in an effort to ward off disease. Jones
started taking colloidal silver in 1999 for fear that Y2K dis-
ruptions could possibly lead to an antibiotic shortage. He made
the concoction himself by electrically charging a couple of
silver wires in a glass of water. Jones says that because of
his condition, termed argyria, "People ask me if it's permanent
and if I'm dead." Perhaps if Jones fails to win the race, he
can try his luck performing for Blue Man Group.
--------------- Grandma Performs Double Duty ---------------
RAPID CITY, South Dakota - What sounds like a story of twisted
incest at first actually turns out to be a very heartwarming
story. Sharon Dunn, 48, has given birth to twin girls, Kaitlyn
and Shelby, whom she is proud to call her granddaughters. This
tale of motherly love occurred after Dunn agreed to be a sur-
rogate mother to help her 25-year-old daughter, Trish, who was
born without a uterus. The girls were delivered by Caesarean
section and have remained in the neonatal intensive-care unit.
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------------ Thieves Steal Hitler's...Bookmark? ------------
MADRID, SPAIN - An 18-karat gold bookmark believed to have
been given to Adolf Hitler by his mistress, Eva Braun, was
stolen from a Madrid auction house in the middle of the day.
Three thieves took the bookmark in addition to several pieces
of jewelry from a glass showcase during working hours. One
thieve was caught, but the bookmark has not been recovered.
The bookmark features an engraving of Hitler's face at the
top, under an imperial eagle perched on a swastika. The ins-
cription read, "My Adolf, do not worry because the Paulus
incident, this unworthy event, was only a setback that can-
not weaken your certainty of victory. My love for you will
be eternal, as our Reich will be eternal. Always yours, Eva.
3-2-43," referring to the ending of the siege of Stalingrad.
The bookmark was to have been offered for auction Tuesday
with a starting price of $4,900.
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Who do you think is the most hated man in the world?
Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Gophercentral.com
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis, in reference to your story about those silly men in
Serbia; there's nothing wrong with marrying a witch. We
witches live, love and laugh much more than women of other
religions. Please don't stereotype us anymore. --Mary
[Are you trying to suggest that witches are manic?]
Lewis, I hate to tell ya, but no one can drag you into the
gutter unless ya wanna be dragged!
[Well...nobody said I didn't want to.]
hey lewis, being from Calgary, I too saw in the paper about
the ice hockey stripper. The best part? when the local news-
paper man made sure to point out his 'shrinkage' due to the
ice! We all had a good laugh. --Geoff
[It's always funny when it's somebody else's hockey puck
that's getting laughed at.]
What do we do with witches? We burn 'em! --Juils
[And what do we burn apart from witches?]
Geez Mary! Do we have a SMALL hostility issue regarding
smoking? Hmmm! I wonder if Mary realizes that some of us
do reside in a FREE F#$KIN COUNTRY?! Hello? This is earth,
wish you were here! --Bonnie in California
I clicked to see the pic of the coffee mug, and I totally
freaked out by Queetzal's picture! I am sure I will have
nightmares. I am a baby boomer who was raised on mild
cartoons about dancing trees and flowers! Even Disney's
marching brooms scared me to death! --Tillie
[I've always been a little frightened of ventriloquist
dummies.]
Getting bizarre news five times a week is kinda like having
sex 5 times a week. You can't really complain, but a lot of
the excitement and anticipation is gone after a while. Guess
I'll just have to cut back on my sex life now. My boyfriend
will not be pleased.
[Just don't tell him you're getting it from Lewis at Bizarre
News!]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@bizarrenews.com
Email Lewis
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END OF CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS
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