Publication: Up Yours!
A little early Christmas cheer. | |
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, December 9, 2006
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Dear Shit-heads,
I've got something for you. Since it's been as cold as your
momma's titty the last week I thought I might as well try
to get you into the holiday spirit. Following is a half-way
clever list someone sent me recently and I think it's just
juvenile enough to keep your simple minds amused.
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud
boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come
back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice
Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with
those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China.
Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus.
I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making
low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself s illy
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please,
please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that
crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater
again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in
a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. By the way, if you're looking for some really unusual
video you might want to check out our new partner,
timekiller.com linked right below this. They have some
funny, gross and bizarre clips if you're into that kind of
thing. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Visit TimeKiller
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><><><><><> CHADWICK'S FAVORITE HISTORICAL INSULTS <><><><><>
"I have found little that is good about human beings. In my
experience most of them are trash."
--Sigmund Frued (1856-1939)
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Go ahead and deny it all you want, but every swingin' dick
that reads this newsletter knows that $40 a month on porn
is low-balling it... BIG TIME! hahaaaa... But I'm sure you
did that just to see if anyone would call you on it. Right?
--Ironjaw
[Got me. That's what I have high-speed, digital Internet.]
Your emails make me wanna fuck a donkey. --Tyler
[Thanks.]
Chadwick I had to write you and tell you thank you for the
advice on lowering my debt. I am really deep in debt, after
reading your advice and then scrolling down and seeing you
selling fucking talking lip radio's, I just bought 6 of
them you asswipe mother fucker. Signed even deeper in debt,
Dan
[Hey, buddy, some of us have to be at the top of the food
chain and some of us have to be at the bottom. Don't com-
plain to me about your lot in life.]
I'm gonna kill you if you don't do more than post shit for
me to buy, monkey fucker. --Meghan
[What makes you think you're a monkey, Meghan?]
Chad, I work in collections for a credit card company. How
I would love to be able to tell the dumb asses to go sell
a kidney or pickup a part-time job at McDonald's. Sorry,
I forgot all the jobs at McDonald's is taken by wetbacks.
It is amazing the shit people put on their cards. One
idiot maxed out a $3000 credit line in two months eating
junk food. Another dimwit handed his $5000 card to a
stripper he met so she could help her family. He believed
that was what she did until I started reading him the
charges she put on the card. She maxed it out in about a
week. If they had common sense they wouldn't be in need of
a budget. --John
[Fuck, if you can't trust a stripper who can you trust?]
Chadwick: Anyone that wastes their time reading the drivel
you put out is a complete idiot. --Komo, a faithful subscriber
[Apparently complete idiots are my career.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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ARCHIVES: Up Yours! Archives
More FREE Fun and Amusement via email! www.gophercentral.com
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End of UP YOURS!
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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