Publication: Up Yours!
You can always sell a kidney. | |
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, December 2, 2006
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Hundreds of hilarious, bizarre and outrageous video clips at:
www.evtv1.com
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THE #1 REMOTE CONTROL CAR THIS CHRISTMAS...
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OUR PRICE: $19.99
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What makes it unique are the five (5) wheels that allow
for flexibility, power and precision.
The middle wheel lights up and the other four wheels work
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even go down and up stairs. This stunt car comes complete
with rechargeable batteries, a charger and a 9V battery
for the controller. Get your Ramper RC Stunt Car early
before stocks are depleted. Visit: Ramper RC Stunt Car
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Jack Asses,
I just read a story reporting that Americans are deeper in
credit card debt than ever before. And despite a weak job
market, we have no plans to rein in our spending.
A survey by Reuters indicated that only 39 percent said they
paid off their monthly balance in full, down from 43 percent
a year ago.
Clearly this is a problem, so I have decided to help the poor
bastards on my list who might be in a similar predicament. I'm
going to help you solve your credit card debt!
STEP 1: BALANCE YOUR GOD-DAMNED BUDGET.
Accumulating debt is a simple matter of spending more than
you make. To make sure we don't do this we create what is
known as a "budget." To start your budget make a list of all
of your monthly expenses. It will look a lot like this...
Rent: $600
Auto loan: $250
Insurance: $95
Fuel: $80
Phone: $70
Cell phone: $45
Gas: $40
Electricity: $50
Food: $160
Cable: $70
Porn: $40
Entertainment: $400
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Total: $1,900
Then you balance it against your income:
We'll be generous and give you...
$14/hour x 40 = $560/week
$560 x 4.3 weeks (allowing for the months you will get 5
paychecks) = $2,408
Now Uncle Sam gets his 30% = $1,685 net.
Now let's do some simple math.
Expenses: $1,900
Income: - $1,685
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- $215
Hey! Guess where all of your credit card debt comes from?
STEP 2: CONTROL YOUR SPENDING.
It's time to make a few sacrifices.
1.) Get rid of that cell phone. No one wants to talk to you
anyway. -$45
2.) Cut down on your long distance calls. -$20
3.) Get basic cable. -$20
4.) Cut down on your entertainment. You don't need to eat
out five days a week, fat ass. -$100
5.) Here's the hard part. You've got to give up that porn,
boy. -$40
So you've saved $225 in expenses. Now, all of a sudden, you're
spending $1,675 and earning $1,685. Congratulations, you've
balanced your budget.
STEP 3: OPEN A FUCKING SAVINGS ACCOUNT.
So what are we going to do with our surplus? I know. Spend it!
Wrong, snapperhead. You won't be able to pay off the stick
of gum you borrowed from the hooker who lives in the apart-
ment next to yours unless you have some kind of savings. It
doesn't matter if you can only set aside five dollars a week.
YOU HAVE TO SAVE.
STEP 4: DESTROY ALL OF YOUR CREDIT CARDS EXCEPT ONE.
Ever since my plane got delayed overnight in Pittsburgh and
I was stuck without cash I have been an advocate of having
a credit card. But it should be used for emergencies. "My
engine blew up." Or, "Doc, can you give me something for this
green moss growing on my dick?" Or, "Holy shit, I'm stranded
in Pittsburgh!"
Do not use it for:
* New stereo.
* New clothes you don't need.
* Blowing money on that bitch you're trying to impress who
won't fuck you.
* Gambling.
* Blowing money on that bitch you're trying to impress who
will fuck you.
STEP 5: PAY OFF YOUR CREDIT CARD EVERY MONTH.
If you can't pay your balance in one month, don't put any-
thing else on the card until you have it paid off.
STEP 6: SELL YOUR BODY FLUIDS AND PARTS FOR CASH.
I was absolutely astounded to learn that bitches can make up
to $2,000 each for a viable egg. Plus, guys can earn up to
$40 a pop for sperm, but that's only if you don't have any
sexually transmitted diseases, so that rules out most of you.
But, you can make a few thousand bucks for a kidney.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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NO KID CAN RESIST DINOSAURS...
And We've Got A Cool & Unique Dinosaur Item for Under $2
Growing Dinosaur Egg Pets are the coolest new way to hatch
yourself a new friend.
You kids will delight as they watch their little reptile
egg hatch into Dinosaur. The excitement grows as the egg begins
to crack open and slowly a baby dinosaur appears.
It's so easy... Simply put the egg into a container of water
and wait for the hatching. When out of the egg remove the shell
and place the dinosaur into its own larger container of water,
and it will continue to grow and grow.
These novel pets are obviously not living creatures, but are
highly amusing. Amaze your children with this educational and
fun experiment. These toys are NON-TOXIC. Oh and the best
part is the price... get an egg for just $1.99. Visit:
Growing Dinosaur Egg Pets
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><><><><><> CHADWICK'S FAVORITE HISTORICAL INSULTS <><><><><>
"Let me tell you my thoughts about tax relief. When your
economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let
people have more of their own money."
--George W. Bush, Boston, Oct. 4, 2002
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Looking For The Perfect Gag Gift That Is Functional?
Check out the MOVING LIPS RADIO...
Store Price: $12.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99
You can't help but laugh when you see this. And it's even
more funny to see the expression on someone else's face
when they open it up as a gift.
This whimsical radio features a pair of red lips that move
in sync to the DJ or singer on the radio. It looks like
the radio is talking to you. Lightweight and compact so
you can take anywhere. Includes station scan, telescoping
antenna and volume control. See a picture or order at:
Funny Moving Lips Radio
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Somehow I subscribed years ago and started receiving your
newsletter. I opted out about 2 or 3 years ago but somehow
Up Yours! started popping back into my inbox. You're a
funny mother fucker. Like in a Dane Cook but better sort
of way. Hope you're as good looking. Sometimes it just
makes my day, hehe. --Ginny
[Don't worry, I'm plenty good-looking. Not that it would
matter to you. Have you ever heard the phrase, Beggers can't
be choosers?]
Hi Chadwick, Have you every done your cousin? --Ed Wagner
[Not unless I'm related to your mom somehow.]
Oh Chad baby I wanted to write and tell you that you make me
crack up everytime I read your comments to these sissy ass
writers.Keep um cummin! If you know what I mean?
[Unfortunately, all too well.]
Hey Cad-wink, Do you say what you think because you have no
friends? Or is that why you have no friends? --Mister X
[Listen, buddy, all those people hang out at your house
because your mom is a whore. It doesn't mean they're your
friends.]
One question: Are you as quick-witted and smart-mouthed in
real life as you are on-line or do you actually sit at home
and have to think for hours on end about these comments you
make? --Danielle Hulse
[I give you people as much time and attention as you deserve,
Danielle, and not a minute more.]
Not selling enough of that horney goat-weed, honey? Probably
should have mentioned to your readers that it wasn't meant to
be smoked. Some xmas order action? You got it, Chad: I'd
like to get the Carmen Electra dance/workout video and the
video on the Mid-East: "Lifting the Fog". Can I order them
through your newsletter, and if so, how do I do it so you get
the 'atta-boy'? I'd still like to hear about the fondue fire...
heehee. --Lynnie
[I bet you would, dick-bait. You'll have to buy me a few
drinks before I spill that story. But the videos I can set
you up with...]
Click here for: Lifting the Fog
Click here for: Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease DVD
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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To see more issues visit: Up Yours! Archives
More FREE Fun and Amusement via email! www.gophercentral.com
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End of UP YOURS!
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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