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UP YOURS! - Saturday, January 20, 2007
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Dear Spoiled Brats,
Have you heard about this bull shit? The state Legislature
of California is about to weigh in on a question that stirs
impassioned debate among moms and dads: Should parents spank
their children? Assemblywhore Sally Lieber (a Democrat, in
case you couldn't guess), wants to outlaw spanking children
up to 3 years old. If she succeeds, California would become
the first state in the nation to explicitly ban parents from
smacking their kids.
Of course, this is patently ass-backward. Children should be
beaten and beaten often. And the younger the better.
The problem is a lack of discipline. Modern parents are too
unwilling to apply the back of the hand or a little leather
to their childrens' backsides and therefore foster in them
the belief that they can get away with absolutely anything.
It all comes down to fear. If your child isn't afraid of
you, why should he or she be afraid of ruining some poor
slob's career?
Plus, physical discipline is so much more effective and
easier then 'time-outs' or grounding or revoking privileges.
If, say, a child commits some infraction you could ground
him or her for a week, meaning you have to police them every
minute of the day, in addition to listening to endless
whining and complaining. Or, you could immediately apply
the belt vigorously for a few minutes and promise more of
the same if you catch the child even looking like he's
thinking of doing whatever it is he did again.
Of course, by three-years-old you've already missed out on
your best opportunities for discipline and by the time they
are teenagers you might as well forget it. While beating
the shit out of a teenager would be a lot of fun, it really
won't do anything to change a behavior pattern. That's why
you need to start beating them early.
I'm not suggesting that you use a dowel rod on them as soon
as they can stand. That young a gentle paddling is as harsh
as a severe beating. But by three or four years you should
be laying into your kids with belts, rulers, shoes, curtain
rods, phone cords, cigarettes, staplers and whatever else
you can get creative with.
Trust Uncle Chadwick. If you take these measures your kids
will not grow up to be a lying little bastards or dirty
little tramps who lie, cheat, steal, smoke crack and throw
stones at two-legged dogs just for the attention.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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><><><><><> CHADWICK'S FAVORITE HISTORICAL INSULTS <><><><><>
"We make the modern error of dignifying the individual. We
do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name,
assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate
him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies
we give him a special hole in the ground. But after all,
he's only a seed, a bloom, and a withering stalk among
pressing billions. Your individual is a pretty disgusting,
vain, lewd little bastard. By God, he has only one right
guaranteed to him in nature, and that is the right to die
and stink to high heaven."
--Ross Lockridge, American author, 1898-1962
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Come Chadwick...You don't see what all the brouhaha is all
about??? Even you can't be that cruel and uncaring. Those
guys never thought about the fact that (heaven forbid!!!)
they could go home without EITHER of their legs...or any
other limb for that matter. That poor dog did NOTHING,
wanted NOTHING from them except to be left alone. I think
it's sad that they had NO compassion for that poor dog,
and I'll NEVER watch another one. I for one am ASHAMED of
those soldiers! Shame on you too! --Debbie
[What's your problem? When I first heard about the clip I
thought they were going to vivisect it with a field knife,
but all they did was throw a stone at the damned thing.
Here...here's another clip about a two-legged dog. Why
don't you write hate mail to these people???]
See the two-legged dog
Chadwick, when my Grandparents and Parents came into this
country, not only did they have to go through immigration
(being checked for diseases so they didn't infect the rest
of population) but they had to be sponsored by an American
citizen, be able to speak English, and prove that they
could find employment to support themselves. I say we go
back to that method of immigration and ship all these
illegals back to their third world countries. Keep up the
good work with your column. --Annamarie
[That's how my parents had to do it, too.]
Hey Fuckstick, I have an idea you would no doubt approve
of. The Mexicans have a similar immigration problem with
illegals from Guatemala, El Salvador Venezuela, etc. They
rob them, rape them, and then shoot them. Perhaps we
should take a page out of their immigration policy. What
do you think, big boy? I bet you would want to be put in
charge of raping the little boys. --Dave
[Depends...what's the profit in it?]
How the fuck can an illegal have civil rights when they are
not citizens? --Dan
[Actually, I think the Constitution guarantees the rights
of anybody residing within the United States, not just
citizens. Who wants to look it up and confirm?]
How the fuck do you violate the constitutional rights of
an illegal alien who opted not to become a citizen and is
therefore not protected by the constitution? --Nikki
[I know this question is almost identical to the one above,
but I think Nikki is sort of a sexy name so I'm putting it
in anyway.]
Chaddy: Love the newsletter, usually. Spare us your views
on national issues and moral ones, ok? Stick with what
you know, Einstein -- "semen on the chin" refrences and
"your mama" jokes. We don't care about your politics (even
when we happen to agree with them...), we're here for the
humor. If we want political policy analysis or insightful,
informed opinion we'll get if from somebody who doesn't rely
so heavily on the spell-checker. Thanks, Paul
[Who's "we"? You and your momma?]
What I don't understand is the following. You say that the
"illigal immigrants" were stopped because they are criminals
with the excuse of a traffic violation. My question is then,
if they were stopped for being criminals, what also makes it
ok, for you to be stopped for a crime you yourself only know
you have commited on the same ground.
[You've got it backward, Jackleg. They were stopped for a
traffic violation and detained because they were criminals.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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