Publication: Up Yours!
Another faceless whiner. | |
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, September 16, 2006
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Dear Whiners,
The following rambling libel was sent to me by one of my
readers. Why they allow email access in state mental
facilities is beyond me. But since I'd rather be sitting
in the bar next door pickling my liver than in front of
this computer I'm going to run this and call it a day.
An open letter to some of the drivers I met on the way in
today.
Say Queen Latifa, the big black sister in the Benz C230:
I know you saw me behind you, in the Black Lexus LS430,
coming at you at about 95 MPH... but you still held your
course in the left lane at 58 thinking that's your right.
I know you got yourself a fine ride and you want people
to see you driving your fancy Benz. But until you make
enough to step up to the S class I don't care how long
your fingernails are, just get your chucky fried chicken
eating ass out of the left lane.
To Jethro, the working brother in the 1994 Caprice Classic:
I know that you got up late today and I appreciate the fact
that your moving through traffic, but that car of yours,
with the mismatched door and rear quarter panel is not
capable of keeping up with my Lexus so please stop trying.
I mean, that tire looks like it's made from a Baker's
Square pie tin and a Timex watch band. I know you don't
have insurance and that you're license is revoked for
driving after suspension so I'm beggin you to slow down
and just stay the fuck away from me.
Yo Pimp Daddy, the wana'be in the '02 Escalade: You may
want to take it easy, it's 8 in the morning and you're
already on your second fatty. I like the spinners but can
see that one is already broke, and you have the system up
so much that the back window is shaking out of the frame.
Actually, I hope you got a real good deal on that truck
because it's clear the frame's bent, the whole thing is
dogwalking in the lane. Anyway, between the pot and the
music I know you're having a hard time concentrating on
the road so just do us all a favor and stay the fuck out
of the
left lane.
Howdy J.T., the hillbilly in the 1982 F150: Thank for
moving over when you saw me coming; you're a great American.
However next time you don't need to smile at me as I pass.
I can't get the image of your nearly toothless grin out of
my mind. I'd tell you do ease up on the Camels but I fear
it's just too late. Smoke-up.
Hello Michael, the newest stock broker in the '06 Jaguar
X-Type: Look here Mikey, $100K/yr don't give you the right
you drive 60 in the left lane you piece-of-shit. I see you
trying to dial the phone instead of moving the fuck over
into the center lane. If I wasn't on my way to a meeting
I'd follow you to wherever you were going just so I could
shove that BlueTooth headset up your ass. You should have
gotten the Lexus GS but thought that the Jaguar was soo much
cooler being British and all. You're a loser and everyone
knows it. Now you're stuck for 2 years making lease pay-
ments on what's basically a Ford Taurus. Dumb-fuck.
Hi Wanda, the frigg'n tree hugger in the Prius w/ the Kerry
bumper sticker: I know that you can see your miles-per-
gallon right there on the dash but that's not an excuse
to not get out of my way. I have an 8 cylinder car for a
reason, I like to go fast and I don't care about the
mileage. You're not saving the environment by not getting
out of my way. In fact, in your honor I just killed two
spotted owls and dumped lye in a pond. Think about that
the next time you think you're better than me. We should
have a law that says no vehicles on the highway unless
they have at least 310 HP. So the least you can do is keep
your fucking go-cart out of the left lane.
Now I know that most of you retards don't have drivers
licenses due to the chronic alcohol & drug abuse. But as
my guess is that you drive anyway, I encourage everyone
to drive safely. That means you drive 55-60 in the right
lane, 60-70 in the middle lane, and left lane is for
passing only. OK?
--Jimbo
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Well then, what about Laura Ingraham? --John
[Laura Ingraham is one of those women who look so much
sexier with a thick glaze of my cum on their faces.]
Chadwick, Oh my god! That new undecided law is ridiculous!
First, they want to stop illegal immigration, and now
they're encouraging it! What the hell is wrong with our
country??? I think we should take all of the illegal immi-
grants out of the country, and then if they want to come
over, they have to go through the government, background
checks, etc. --Breann
[Hey, ya think? If only some other people in the United
States thought like you.]
I loved your commentary on the financial aid for illegal
immigrants. It was right to the point. I posted it in the
break room at my office. I work with 22 guys and they loved
it! Thanks. --Cindy
[22 guys and one woman. So what are you, a porn actress or
what?]
Chadwick, I've written you twice and you've printed my com-
ments both times, but you have edited out some of my best
work on each occasion. Are you afraid to allow your readers
to enjoy my full wrath for fear that they may see that some-
one in this world is more talented and more crass than you?
--Dave
[Listen, Tolstoy, I don't have the room to re-print your
rambling essays about how your pencil dick turns different
colors when you tie it up with rubberbands. Why don't you
write back when you actually have something to say, which
should be in about ten thousand years.]
I realize what you do is tongue-in-cheek sort of humor...I
am just amazed that while those remarks you spout so crudely
can really make a person THINK! I am disgusted with your
method but totally entranced and enchanted by a form of com-
mon sense that you are not even aware you might possess...
KEEP ON KEEPING ON! --Mary
[Make you think?! Who are you trying to fool, freakshow?
There's nothing between your ears but coagulated cum.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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End of UP YOURS!
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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