Publication: Up Yours!
Chadwick had big cockles. | |
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, December 23, 2006
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Dear Dysfunctional manic depressives,
Well, here it is. Christmas. The holiday season. The most
wonderful time of the year. I would pull the old "bah humbug"
routine, but even the cockles of my heart can be warmed by
the spirit of this very special time. What, you didn't think
old Chadwick has cockles? Well, I do. I have bigger cockles
than most.
One of my favorite things to do around the holiday season is
to sing carols. Music is a universal language that everyone
can appreciate, and as far as Christmas songs go, the classics
are the best. Why, I've listened to and sung them so many
times they are permanently etched into my heart. Let me see
if I can't drudge up a few memories for you with some all time
favorites. Do you recognize...
Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
but my cock is so delightful.
So if you're down on your knees,
you're a ho, you're a ho, you're a ho...
Boy, that brings back a lot of good times, gathered around
the fire, toasting marshmallows and discussing strategies
for beating sexual harassment suits. But here's one that's
not quite so popular...
Cum on the bath towels, a big, fat log,
Thanks to good old Santa Claus.
All through my porn stash the pages stick,
that smelly, old bastard Jerked his dick.
Ho, ho, ho! He shot his load!
Ho, ho, ho! He shot his load!
Up on the housetop, click, click, click,
Down thru' the chimney that old, fat prick.
Ah ha! You know it, don't you. It's a catchy melody once you
get going. But I challenge you to keep your toe from tapping
when you start singing this one...
Lick my balls you fucking commies,
Fa la la la la la, la la la la.
Kiss my ass and my salami,
Fa la la la la la, la la la la.
Socialism would be merry,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
If Joseph Stalin were a fairy,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
That was fun. You could sing that one over and over again.
Let's bring it down a notch, for a moment, with one of my
personal favorites. This one is what I like to call a "mood
setter." See if you recognize...
Put it in, are you listening?
On your chin, cum is glistening.
A beautiful sight,
your lips clamped down tight,
slapping my balls up against your chin.
If that doesn't put you in the Christmas spirit, nothing
will. Now, I've saved the most difficult chestnut for last.
It won't be easy to get this one without the music, but see
if you can't wrap yourself around...
I hate most every kind of a queer.
Whether they're belly to belly,
or butt-stuffing Betties,
with cum up their rears!
I hate most every kind of a queer.
There'll be weenies for stroking,
Baloney for smoking and
and fags with their feet in the air.
But the lip-smacking lezbos,
with warm sticky love holes can tag team me
and swallow my load!
Well, vermin...I mean, folks, it's time for Uncle Chadwick
to head home and mix up a pitcher of eggnog. Make sure you
are in bed early on Christmas eve and keep your hands off
that yule log. Santa's watching.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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><><><><><> CHADWICK'S FAVORITE HISTORICAL INSULTS <><><><><>
"The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already
in the fretful look of passersby as they readied them-
selves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false
jovialities and ill-considered gifts."
--Peter Dickinson Play Dead, a mystery novel.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
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Its a great time to stock up AND pick up a couple for gifts,
but there is a LIMIT of 8 per order. NO DEALERS PLEASE...
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Jeeze, that Sarah Silverman is some annoying little bitch.
No wonder she ain't getting anything for Christmas. --Dave
[If she were my bitch she'd be getting a load of cum up her
ass.]
Merry Christmas and Thanks for the laughs throughout the
year. Keep up the good (but dirty) work. Happy New Year!!
--CHRISTI
[You keep stroking me like this and I'm going to cum.]
Chad, it's nice to know you really are (a Godless, soulless,
heartless and brainless atheist pig-fucker whose putrid life
is dedicated to spreading misery and despair) Happy Holidays
--BOB
[Nice of you to come up with something original for the
occasion, Bob.]
Chadwick, you seem to know a hell of a lot about Porn Shop
etiquette. I think we now know where you spend your lunch
hour. --Steve
[These skills have sort of fallen out of use with the advent
of so much Internet porn.]
Chadwick, I just want to wish you a Happy, Non-Ethnic, Non-
Denominational, Gender-Neutral, Creed Non-Specific Season
Of The Celebration Of... Aw fuck the politically correct
horse-shit! Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas, and Happy
New Year, dude! Any tree-fucking hippie who takes offense
to that can eat me! --David
[God bless us, every one.]
Finally! Something witty and interesting. I bet it hurt, huh?
Love, Laura
[Not as much as when that cucumber got stuck up your ass.]
Yo C.W., check it out, your column used to come on Friday's,
then one week it popped up on Wednesday, this week, it was
Monday. What the fuck, bro, is the masterbation off kilter,
or what? I'm refraining from calling you a Donkey Bonkin',
Peter-Puffer. So feel lucky.(bitch) --Mark
[You need a life, Mark. Seriously. I want you to log off
for a while. Go to a strip club or something.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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End of UP YOURS!
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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