Publication: Up Yours!
I might as well be wearing panties. | |
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, November 4, 2006
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Dear Homos,
So last night I was sitting around masturbating to a new
porno that I had just gotten in the mail when something
started to occur to me. Actually, the first thing I thought
of was, 'if I don't get up and get a tissue or something
I'm going to have to take a shower,' but after that I began
to realize that I'm turning into a God-damned woman!
First off, I've been dateless for something like six months.
I'm not sure why, maybe I just haven't been getting out
enough to meet women. Or maybe the hairy gorillas who inhabit
the local watering holes are just too depressing to bother
with.
I swear, in my neighborhood the women I see in the bars are
either middle-aged tradespeople (I shit you not, last month
I met a single--believe it or not--40-year-old, woman plumber
in the bar across the street from my apartment) or 19 and
20-year-old tramps with caked on makeup and teased bleached
blond hair. Do us all a favor, girls and give the blue eye
shadow a rest, will you?
But whatever the reason, I've been without intimate female
companionship for a while and I think it's finally starting
to have an adverse effect on me. However much I have been
enjoying my independence, getting more work done, saving more
money, spending more time at the gym, the sorry fact of the
matter is that spending too much time away from women is
starting to affect the way I think.
I have no opposing feminine viewpoint with which to counter-
balance my thoughts and opinions. Last week I bought a 12-
pack of light beer for Christ's sake. Light beer! I might as
well be wearing panties.
I don't know, maybe I've just been watching too much porno.
Speaking of which....hang on a minute....fuck, I need to take
another shower.
All right, let's get on with the rest of this nightmare.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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><><><><><> CHADWICK'S FAVORITE HISTORICAL INSULTS <><><><><>
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
In last Saturday's UP YOURS! you made a reference to "all
of the drunk chicks hanging out at bars dressed up as slutty
nurses and slutty devils and slutty witches and slutty
pirates....." I'm not sure why you think that has something
to do with Halloween. I thought that in downtown Chicago,
they called that "Friday Night." --Dave
[That's more your family reunion, Dave.]
C-wick, Leave gay people alone cuz I am a Lesbian. --Mark
[If you have a latent desire to be a chick don't take it out
on the rest of us.]
When will you have something interesting to say? Love, Laura
[When I tell you you can go to the bathroom and spit.]
Re the Chappelle: Rick James video clip, did someone forget
to include the funny bits? --Steve
[Nope, the funny bits are still in your pants, where they
always were.]
Dear Chadwick; Why do men like lesbians so much? Just
wondering, Nancy
[Because men can enjoy a little poetic justice of women
getting on each other's nerves for once.]
hey shithead, what happened to your sense of insult? come on,
i thought that your job was to make me offended, and frankly
dickbreath, you dont. i have been more offended by kittens
than by you. go suck your own dick! --justin
[How the fuck did you know I can do that?!]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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To see more issues visit the archives: Up Yours! Archives
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End of UP YOURS!
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