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T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Tuesday, April 1, 2008
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Good Afternoon,
I am always on edge during April Fool's Day. My family is
notorious for playing practical jokes on one another on
the first of April.
Last year I woke up in a crate on a truck that was travel-
ing towards an undetermined location. When the truck
finally stopped and let me out I was in a mysterious
wooded area. It took me a week and a half to return home.
They all thought that it was really funny, but I didn't.
I'm not going to look foolish this year. That's why I'm
spending my day hiding in the tool shed. Whoops! Now they
know where I am. Oh, I know, I'll just crash over at the
neighbors. Damn! I did it again. I've got to run now. They
will be coming for me.
Happy April Fool's Day! (From an undisclosed location.)
Mouthing Off,
Carl
email Mouthpiece
Viral Videos on the Net at www.EVTV1.com
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Mouthpiece forum. Check it out here...
The Mouthpiece Forum
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[m] q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
"Here's kind of a philosophical question. If a sniper
fires a gun in the woods and no one is around, does
Hillary Clinton still hear it?"
- Jay Leno
"Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked."
- Peter de Vries
"The great thing about human language is that it prevents
us from sticking to the matter at hand."
- Lewis Thomas
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[m] b i t s . n . b o b s
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH ! ! !
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't/don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys
fear getting married is that married women always cut
their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing
of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to
think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle
hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious
hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries, birthdays and other events you want us to
remember on the calendar. That increases the chance we'll
remember by 50%.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to
do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a
color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just
not worth the hassle.
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t h e . m o u t h p i e c e
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