Publication: Laff A Day
It's impossible to get those legs open. | |
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LAFF A DAY - Tuesday, May 6, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the
ironing board. She usually keeps it folded up and out of
the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out
on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing,
like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on
wearing.
She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me
and declared, "TZ, you need to go out and buy me a new
ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's
legs open."
"Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.
"What was that?" she shot back.
"I said, 'I'll go right after dinner.'"
Better-safe-than-sorry-ly,
TZ
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the
first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete
strangers to kill again."
-Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal's TV listing for
"The Wizard of Oz"
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Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off
and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and
says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks
the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally
speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit com-
pletely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we
did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. What is
'loft?'"
The pro says, "L-O-F-T: Lack Of Fucking Talent."
TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF EXAMINATION
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach,
you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is
like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses
its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog... "Killer, come here! Now think about how
you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jezus,
you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or
any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A
straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw
oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything
else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably
a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss
in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.
A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates
where he pleases.
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5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you pro-
bably like a high hard one in the pooper chuter. A straight
man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man
there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie,
you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you
are dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands
on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the ass-
hole off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change
the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch
his balls, or play with his broad's tits.
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum. Check it out here... Laffaday Forum
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*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***
It's Available. The Laffaday Book... Check it out, it's
F-R-E-E (you pay s&h). For more info or to order visit:
Laffaday Book
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More FUN and AMUSEMENT sent by email: www.gophercentral.com
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END OF LAFF A DAY
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