Publication: Fifty & Furthermore
Final Comment On Pre-nups | |
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FIFTY & FURTHERMORE - Monday, August 21, 2006
"I'm Dr. Dorree Lynn. Growing older can be a time for
creative and passionate living, and I will apply my years
as a psychologist to help you with the challenges and
wonders that come with this new life stage."
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Hello and welcome to FIFTY & FURTHERMORE!
Today I will share a final comment on pre-nups and give
advice to other readers. If you would like to make a
comment or ask me a question, please email me at the
address below and as always, I will do all I can to
provide you with the advice you seek.
As I always say, "life is too hard to do alone - reach
out!"
Dr. Dorree Lynn, Psychologist
Please send questions and comments to:
email Dr. Lynn
Question:
When we married, houses - 2, children, 2-3, I sold my
house and he signed a quit claim deed to his house,
which made me co-owner. We then got new wills made,
dividing the estate proportionally between me or him
and our children, considering what each had brought
to the marriage. After we had been married for 10
years we moved to another state and had new wills
written. This time we just made it simple and left
all to each other. Yes, it is a matter of trust,
and when you have been through things in a prior life,
it is better to reassure your soon-to-be-mate than to
worry whether or not you are trusted. After 10 years
we knew that all our children would get their portion
of whatever each of us left. We are now in our 19th
year, and he is in a wheelchair, which was quite
unexpected. But I keep busy and get out when I can.
Church, art group, women's club, red hats, girls card
day.... keeps things interesting. God has been good
to us. Thanks for your weekly shared wisdom.
Answer:
I like what you said about pre-nups being a sign of
reassurance for soon-to-be-mates rather than a
reflection of a lack of trust. After living half of
life, most of us have baggage we'd prefer didn't get
lost (as well as some we wish would!) and for second
or third marriages, it seems the general consensus is
that pre-nups are a good idea all around. Thanks for
weighing in.
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Question:
I am 54, divorced for 2 years. I was married a total of
32 yrs but we lived together only 21 of those years. I
have grown 3 children and an amicable relationship with
my ex. The problem is my significant other. We have
been together for 6 yrs, lived together for 4 yrs. I was
his total support and even now when we are together I pay
for everything. I find at this stage of my life that I
enjoy being alone, enjoy my own company very much, enjoy
my house and yard and hobbies, enjoy being with friends
much more than spending time with my SO. He wants to
spend as much time together as possible and I want to
spend a few days a month. He says I am being selfish,
only considering myself and what I want. I say that's my
right! We're at an impasse and the weekend is coming up
and another argument about why he can't sleep over. What
do I say to him? I've had enough therapy to know that I
am co-dependent given the chance and I don't want to go
there again. Do I end this relationship and the good
things I enjoy with this man in small doses, or do I cave
to his needs? I've suggested maybe he needs to move on,
find someone else to smother and he suggests that I stop
being so selfish...what do you suggest?
Answer:
You've given him the green light to move on, but clearly
after 6 years, this man isn't so ready to give up on the
relationship. You, however, appear to be rather apathetic
as to what happens. I'm sure your SO senses this apathy
and as people often do, reacts by pushing to see you even
more. After 6 years, however, only wishing to see someone
a few times a month doesn't make for most people's defini-
tion of a serious relationship. Either way, if you value
the time spent alone and feel that budging would be chang-
ing something core to you, then there is no reason you
need to conform to the norm of spending lots of time with
a SO. Your SO, however, seems to have a more traditional
view of companionship and if you do care about this man
as you say you do, you need to set him free so he can find
someone whose values are more in line with his. You ARE
putting yourself first, but there is nothing wrong with
that as long as you recognize that others may be affected
by that as your SO has been. My only concern is that you
are so afraid of becoming co-dependent that you are going
to the other extreme and shutting people out of your life
who could offer you something. I encourage you to continue
to explore this with a therapist and to explain what you
have explained to me to your SO. He deserves to be able to
know what his choices are - either being with you on your
terms or finding someone who shares his desire for frequent
company. I hope you will allow him to make this choice.
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Question:
I haven't seen this in your column so I decided to ask. Why
are men so afraid of being alone? I am not against a re-
lationship, but I am not anxious to get married either. It
just seems that once you are involved they either begin to
smother you with always wanting to be there or they begin
to push for marriage. Everyone seems to think it is women
who push for a relationship, but I have found it is men.
Even very young men. Can you shed any light on this?
Answer:
As I explained in the answer above, often times when one
person in a relationship (however formal or informal it
may be) is resistant, the other may compensate by pushing
a little harder than normal. It's the same philosophy
people who play "hard to get" employ. The less available
you are, often the more you are pursued. As you seem to
be very confident in not being ready for marriage, I
imagine you may exude a vibe of independence often mistaken
for unavailability. Most likely the men you are meeting to
base your observations on are attracted to those qualities
in you - so much so that they want to be around you more
and push for you to reciprocate. If you are not currently
in a relationship, I urge you to try meeting men who have
other passions in life - be it their job, a hobby, etc -
so they will have less idle time to "smother" you. You may
even find yourself doting on them for a change!
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For more insight and advice from Dr. Lynn visit:
fiftyandfurthermore.com
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Topical, timely, controversial, click the link to answer
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