Publication: Fifty & Furthermore
Family Issues | |
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FIFTY & FURTHERMORE - Thursday, February 8, 2007
"I'm Dr. Dorree Lynn, founder of FiftyandFurthermore.com.
Growing older can be a time for creative and passionate
living, and I will apply my years as a psychologist to
help you with the challenges and wonders that come with
this new life stage."
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Hello and welcome to FIFTY & FURTHERMORE!
If you would like to make a comment or ask me a question,
please email me at the address below and as always, I will
do all I can to provide you with the advice you seek.
As I always say, "life is too hard to do alone - reach
out!"
Dr. Dorree Lynn, Psychologist
Please send questions and comments to:
email Dr. Lynn
Question:
I couldn't agree more with your article today. I raised
four children and there were several hard and fast rules!
We always ate dinner together. It may be 9:00 due to
school activities, or we may have all met at a restaurant,
but other than a very few nights, the family was together,
generally with a home cooked meal. Less fat and other
trash and the conversation was always good. In addition,
negatives were not allowed at the table. No matter what
was going on before or after the meal, only positive
discussions were allowed - of course left out politics as
that was volatile in our household.
Although we did allow televisions and/or stereos in the
children's room once they turned 14 or in high school, we
limited the time spent in their rooms. The computer was
centrally located so no one was visiting sites that were
not acceptable.
Growing up in the 50s I was not quite ready for our
children's readiness to discuss the most private of
things but now at 57, I treasure that they trusted me
to discuss sex, bullies, difficult teachers and
requested my opinion as to handle them.
They are all grown now.ÿ Their father and I did divorce
after 22 years of marriage. I divorce people for a
living and the 19 to 22 year marriage is probably 70%. I
hate that I was part of that statistic but so it is. Have
one most wonderful grandchild, along with a most wonderful
ex-daughter in law (my other daughter). Have heard on
numerous occasions thank yous from the children for the
way they were raised.ÿ Requiring respect from them to us
but also respecting them. They are terrific adults and
am so proud of what they have made of themselves.
Sorry this is so long but please, moms & dad, grandmas
and grandpas, require the children to participate. They
not only want to, despite what they say, I have yet to
meet a 4 to 17 year old that really wants to be in charge
of the household.ÿ Sorry this is so long just wanted you
to know my experience.
Answer:
Thank you for sharing your experience raising your family.
It sounds like your children had a very positive and
loving upbringing and I have no doubt they will pass some
of your lessons on to their children.
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Question:
I am 72 years old. I lost my husband June 20th 06 and we
were married 42 years. I was in the hospital in Aug. of 06
- they did blood work, loads of X Rays, an MRI. my B.P was
really high. I don't know if the woman that is living with
my son is the reason I am feeling so bad. My son is 51 and
his friend is my age, 72. They live right next door to me
I give my son free rent & he drives my jeep but I pay for
the gas. His friend has her own car but they drive my jeep
just about every place they go. I was also buying my son
his cigs every week. 3 weeks ago HE QUIT SMOKING ( THANK
GOD) But I must tell you he gave up a good job & he had
very good Ins. When his dad got sick he came back here in
Ohio from UT. My son's wife was a wonderful lady - we got
along so good-they had 2 children but my son did not treat
her good. She now lives in CO. but she calls me once a
week & still calls me mom. For the last 3 weeks I have had
a fear of dying. Just went to my Dr. today & she said
everything was good. My B.P was good since my son's friend
has not been over here. I told my son I could not take her
lying to me about every 3 mouths & I told him I did not
want her over here. He took that a lot better then I
thought he would. My friends have said he took that well
because he thinks I will let her back here in my home like
I did before. Please tell me how to tell my son I don't
want her over here anymore. I can't take her lying.
Answer:
It sounds like you have had a rough year to say the least.
With the passing of your husband and your own health
concerns, it's no wonder you're experiencing stress. You
don't say what specifically you feel your son's friend has
lied to you about, but if you feel disrespected by this
woman, you are under no obligation to allow her in your
home. Your son is a grown man and while you can't choose
whom he interacts with, you can set the rules of your home.
In addition, your son IS a grown man, and I have to wonder
why you continue to allow him to take advantage of your
generosity. It is way past time to cut the apron strings.
At age 51 he should be able to find employment and afford
his own rent. If you wish you share a car with him, then
he should at least pay for his own gas, and certainly you
should not be helping to support his friend too. It seems
like your friends are aware of your pushover nature when
it comes to your son and while I am sure it is out of
love, for your own well-being it is time to speak your
mind and mean it. I don't think all of your health con-
cerns are related to this woman specifically but it sounds
as if the stress from your son and your family situation
in general is playing a negative role. Your recent phobia
surrounding your own morbidity is best addressed now. I
suggest calling your doctor and asking for a referral to
a therapist who can help you deal with both your fear and
your family situation. Invest the money you used to spend
on your son's cigarettes into your own health. You are
worth it.
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Readers, Valentine's Day is almost upon us. Whether we're
single, married, dating or somewhere in between, we can all
see February 14th as a day to tell our loved ones how much
they mean to us - be they significant others, children,
grandchildren, siblings, friends, parents or others who
have captured our hearts. I encourage you to write me with
messages for your valentines letting them know why they're
special and I will try to print as many as I can next week.
~Dr. D
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For more insight and advice from Dr. Lynn visit:
http://www.fiftyandfurthermore.com
fiftyandfurthermore.com
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Topical, timely, controversial, click the link to answer
this week's GopherCentral.com Question of the Week.
Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
http://rd.gophercentral.com/al/a?aid=7541&ent=2501
Question of the Week
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