Publication: Dear Abby
Grandma's Term Of Endearment Is Not Appropriate For Toddler | |
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ABBY - May 7, 2008
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GRANDMA'S TERM OF ENDEARMENT IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR TODDLER
ABBY: My mother-in-law -- I'll call her "Irene" -- refers to
our 3-year-old daughter, "Amber," as "sexy." When she buys
clothing for Amber, she will say, "This is sexy." When Amber
was younger and would pull up her dress in play, Irene would
say, "Are you trying to be sexy?" Luckily, when it has
happened, Amber either didn't hear or remember her comments.
I'm afraid if we don't put a stop to it, Irene will continue
saying these things. Maybe she thinks it's cute, but I would
like to keep my little girl innocent as long as I can. My
husband agrees with me, but he's afraid of offending his
mother. Why would a grandmother call her young granddaughter
"sexy"? Please advise.
-- AMBER'S MOMMY IN CLEVELAND
MOMMY: Your mother-in-law may have a limited vocabulary, or
she may be projecting her adult feelings onto Amber -- not
realizing that children her granddaughter's age do not
experience sexual feelings the way adults do.
Whatever Irene's reasoning, I agree that her comments are
inappropriate, and she should be told to cut them out. With
marketing, advertising and media the way they are today,
your little girl will be bombarded with promotional messages
in which sex is a sales tool before she hits kindergarten.
She doesn't need to be sexually objectified by her grand-
mother, too.
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ABBY: "Frustrated in Colorado" (March 1) complained about
people attempting to send faxes on her phone line. She
should be thankful for a stable, busy job in a thriving
business.
Most fax machines today scan documents into memory and put
them into an automated "queue" -- the same one that usually
tries to transmit three times. I handle it by simply hitting
the "transfer" button on my phone, so the call is routed to
my fax line. Then I move on to other tasks. If you pass this
on to her, it will relieve her frustration.
Tell her I said to "smile, have a nice day, and remember
the words of Sgt. Joe Friday: 'It's just the fax, ma'am.'"
-- LARRY FROM MARLTON, N.J.
LARRY: Thank you for the technical advice.
ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl. My boyfriend and I are
planning for a future together. We are seriously discussing
marriage.
My problem is, when I was 14, my older brother molested me.
I eventually found the courage to tell my parents. They
confronted him, he apologized, and we all got on with our
lives. We haven't spoken about it since.
Should I tell my boyfriend about this? It has affected my
life. I have trouble trusting people, and I feel this is
something he needs to know. However, my brother and I get
along well now. I don't want my boyfriend wanting to hurt
my brother every time we have a family function. What
should I do?
-- TROUBLED IN AUSTRALIA
TROUBLED: Although your brother has apologized and the
subject hasn't been spoken about since, it has affected
the way you perceive others. And the behavior your brother
displayed when he molested you shows that -- at least at
that time in his life -- he had a lack of empathy for the
feelings of others, namely you.
You could benefit greatly by discussing what happened with
a counselor who has expertise in sexual assault, and frankly,
so could your brother. However, I see no reason to discuss
what happened with your boyfriend until you become formally
engaged, particularly because he might react in a volatile
manner.
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
____________________________________________________________
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