Publication: Dear Abby
Suspicious Daughter Is Wrong About Dad's 'Conniving Woman' | |
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DEAR ABBY - April 23, 2008
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SUSPICIOUS DAUGHTER IS WRONG ABOUT DAD'S 'CONNIVING WOMAN'
ABBY: I have been divorced for four years. About nine
months ago, I met "Cecil," a wonderful man who was widowed
three years ago. We have fallen in love.
The problem is his adult daughter, "Wanda." She told me she
won't allow some "conniving woman" to get her hooks into
her father. She says falling in love with me is an insult
to her mother's memory. Wanda made it plain she feels I am
with her father only because I'm after his money. Cecil is
comfortable financially, although not wealthy.
Now that she's aware that we have become serious, Wanda has
begun trying to instill guilt and shame in her father. This
is exceedingly difficult for him because Wanda is his only
child.
What his daughter fails to understand is that I am secure
financially. My home is paid off. I have assets and invest-
ments, a comfortable income and a future pension. I would be
proud to become Cecil's wife, but if he were to ask me to
continue our relationship without marriage, I would stay
with him. Furthermore, if he proposed and wanted a pre-nup,
I would gladly sign one.
I stand ready to love not only him, but also Wanda, if she
could only open her heart to me -- not as a replacement for
her mother, but as a loving, caring friend. What she does
not know is that her parents never had the happy marriage
she thought they did. They stayed together largely because
of her.
What do you advise? I don't want to have to walk away so
Cecil won't have to lose his daughter.
-- LOVES HIM FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS
LOVES HIM: Unless Cecil wants to spend the rest of his life
alone in order to please Wanda, he has some serious thinking
to do. He fulfilled his marriage vows and is entitled to a
full life. He should make that clear to his daughter, who
appears to have some growing up to do.
So stand your ground, and be prepared to lay all your cards
on the table. I can't promise it will completely allay
Wanda's concerns, but it might put some of them to rest. If
that's not the case, then so be it.
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ABBY: I have made a decision (at least for now) not to date
or try to find a husband. The reason is my fear that I would
repeat my parents' horrible, abusive marriage. They're still
together -- I have no idea why -- but that's another issue.
I have decided the abuse will end with me. I know that if I
ever met a really awesome guy and did get married, I'd have
a hard time not repeating my parents' marriage.
I have told my parents, siblings, extended family and close
friends that I'm not looking for a life partner. My problem
is, they won't leave me alone. Can you help me get them off
my back and allow me to enjoy being single like I want to?
How do I fend off these matchmakers?
-- HAPPILY SINGLE IN TACOMA
HAPPILY SINGLE: Please remember that your family and friends
are trying to fix you up because they love you. So hang onto
your sense of humor when they try to make a match. The magic
words are: (smile) "Nope. Not interested."
Considering that you had such poor role models, your feelings
are understandable. However, because your parents have had a
terrible marriage is no guarantee that you would, too. The
surest way to break the cycle would be to discuss this
subject with a licensed mental health professional.
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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