Publication: Dear Abby
Wife Craving Busy Retirement May Have To Find It By Herself | |
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ABBY - May 1, 2008
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WIFE CRAVING BUSY RETIREMENT MAY HAVE TO FIND IT BY HERSELF
ABBY: "Mrs. Couch Potato" (Feb. 28) complained that she's
finding in retirement that her husband isn't interested in
social activities. Please tell her she's not alone.
My husband and I are retired, as are most of the couples
around us. It seems the men were so busy working that when
they came home, all they wanted to do was to rest and
decompress. I have discovered that men are not as social
as women.
I'm not sure I agree that "Mister Couch Potato" is
depressed, as you suggested. He's probably no different
than he has been for the past 30 years. His wife was
likely so busy she never noticed.
My suggestion to her would be to continue enjoying her
activities. Couples don't have to be together 24/7. Plan
an occasional outing with another couple. Invite someone
over for dinner. If she waits for her husband to plan
something, it won't happen. Check out activities at the
local library. Go do some together. Mr. Couch Potato may
eventually find something he enjoys. It takes time.
-- HAPPY WIFE OF A RETIRED HUSBAND
HAPPY WIFE: Thank you for your insight. Responses to "Mrs.
Couch Potato's" letter were varied on this subject -- an
important one because many couples face similar issues
after retirement. Read on:
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ABBY: I'm a seasoned curmudgeon and have been retired quite
awhile. Why is a man considered "anti-social" and in need
of counseling because he wants to enjoy his few remaining
years by being left alone? That's why they call it
"retirement." If a man has been a productive member of
society, provided for his family, been there for his children
and been a good husband, does he need to have his last little
bit of soul sucked dry?
Perhaps it's the wife who should examine her concept of
retirement and seek counseling to find out why it's so
important her husband adapt to her vision of how things
should be.
-- SPUD SR. IN AKRON, OHIO
ABBY: I have been married 49 years, and my wife and I work
out our problems without a counselor. If she would like the
two of them to be active, I suggest they join a fraternal
organization that offers a slate of social activities and
charitable-giving opportunities.
No longer having job-related responsibilities has created
a vacuum for the husband that needs to be filled. He
probably has skills and interests that an organization
could use through volunteer services. Fraternal
organizations foster good friendships and good times, and
often keep couples focused outside their home environment
and for the common good.
-- IT WORKED FOR ME IN OREGON
ABBY: As a busy hairdresser who has been dealing with
people for years, I have had enough social interaction to
last the rest of my life. I savor my alone time and use it
to read, go online, watch TV, play with my dogs, do yard
work, etc. I love when my adult kids visit, and I love it
when they leave.
My husband is busy with hobbies and friends, and sometimes
goes by himself to car shows, surfing contests or other
events I'm not interested in. We're perfectly compatible
and have no issues in our marriage. Our time together is
filled with laughter and conversation. At work, I come
across as very social, but deep down I'm like Mrs. Couch
Potato's husband. She should enjoy her space and activities
apart from her husband. Partners who are independent
transition easier in widowhood than those who are joined
at the hip.
-- DIANA IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.
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ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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