Publication: Dear Abby
Wife In Mixed Marriage Feels Wrath Of Husband's Famiy | |
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ABBY - May 1, 2008
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WIFE IN MIXED MARRIAGE FEELS WRATH OF HUSBAND'S FAMILY
ABBY: My husband, "Vincent," and I have been together for
10 years. We have two beautiful children, a good marriage
and a close bond with my family.
Vincent's family disowned him when he married me because of
my race, and he's now starting to feel the full emotional
impact. He is angry and disappointed with his family, but
I know he misses them terribly. I have been called every
name in the book by his mother, ignored by his siblings and
brought to tears by his father's hateful words. I refuse to
expose our children to that kind of treatment, so I have not
pushed Vincent to contact his family, even though I feel he
should try.
Abby, his family grew up hating minorities, and I doubt they
have changed since we last spoke. What can I do to help my
husband though this without exposing myself and the children
to their ignorance and bigotry? I know our kids will face
this issue sometime, but it shouldn't come from family.
-- UNACKNOWLEDGED IN ARIZONA
UNACKNOWLEDGED: I agree that it shouldn't come from family.
So just listen when your husband vents, because his anger
and disappointment are justified. Do not push him to contact
his family. They are so vested in their bias that it's
unlikely they will change.
Vincent made his choice 10 years ago, and he chose you. And
that is why, rather than dwelling on the past, he should
focus his energies on creating a successful and fulfilling
future with you, his beautiful children and the family who
has embraced him.
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ABBY: My wife has a terminal illness, and we have begun the
unpleasant task of making final arrangements. Our children
are all in their teens.
Our youngest, "Mitch," is 15 and does not want to attend his
mother's funeral. He says he would rather remember her as she
is now instead of in a casket.
I know funerals are good for people because they give a sense
of closure, but if Mitch doesn't want to go, I'm not sure I
should press the issue. Can you please advise?
--SAD DAD IN ARIZONA
SAD DAD: My heart goes out to your family at this difficult
time. I'm glad you wrote, because I, too, have reservations
about pressuring your son. This is a decision that he will
have to arrive at on his own.
However, no law dictates that he would have to see his mother
lying in the casket. It is my understanding that private fare-
wells can be made with the casket open or closed. Please
explain this to him. Also, when the time comes, he may change
his mind and want to see her. It's a very personal decision.
ABBY: My sister, "Mara," has a temper. When she gets mad at
our mom and stepfather, she goes into our room and slams the
door as hard as she can. It has started to damage the door
and walls, and they're fed up with it.
Our stepfather told Mara that if she does not stop it, he
will take the door off. If it was just her, I would say she
deserves it. But, it's my room, too, and it will take away
MY privacy. Shouldn't he find some other type of punishment
so I won't have to suffer, too?
-- NOT MY FAULT IN MAINE
NOT YOUR FAULT: Yes, in fairness, he should. Surely, with
enough ingenuity, your parents can think of a penalty
designed "just for her" -- such as revoking her phone
privileges, docking her allowance or grounding her -- that
won't penalize an innocent bystander. (That's you.)
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
____________________________________________________________
More Self Help from EVTV1.com:
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END OF ABBY
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