Publication: Dear Abby
Marriage Is Out Of Question When Neither Wants To Ask | |
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DEAR ABBY - September 7, 2007
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MARRIAGE IS OUT OF QUESTION WHEN NEITHER WANTS TO ASK
ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together almost three
years (minus five months separated). Whenever the subject
of marriage comes up, he says, "... whenever YOU want to
ask." In other words, he's putting the responsibility on
me! I am old-fashioned when it comes to proposals, Abby. I
think the man should ask.
Do you think he's putting the responsibility on me because
he knows I won't ask and he doesn't want to commit? I have
one child from a previous relationship, and I would like
more, but I vowed that I wouldn't have another one until I
was married. I am only 28, but I don't want to be having
kids 10 years from now.
Oh yeah, we are looking at houses to buy together. How can
I tell if he will ever "pop the question" or if it's a lost
cause? What should I do?
-- TIFFANY IN TEXAS
TIFFANY: With a child from a previous relationship and house-
hunting with your current boyfriend, you may not be as "old-
fashioned" as you think.
You appear to be a very trusting young woman. At the risk of
sounding like a party-pooper, I am urging you to think long
and hard about pooling your money to buy real estate with
anyone until you have an attorney to look out for your
financial interests.
At the pace your romance is going, it's fair to assume that
your boyfriend is in no hurry to rush to the altar. If you're
waiting for him to get off the dime, it could be years before
he gets around to it -- if ever. So lay it on the line, call
his bluff, and hope his answer is yes, because that will be
the test of whether he's marriage-minded at all.
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ABBY: I just turned 20, and my mother won't let me go. She
wouldn't allow me to get my driver's license and has gone
so far as to "lose" all my important documents. She will
not let me obtain new ones or even get an ID to get a job.
All I want to do is have a job and some freedom. I am not
even allowed to leave the house without her permission. I
have to stay home all day to wake her up to go to work, then
wait until she gets home to cook her dinner and wait on her
hand and foot -- without even a "thank you" or an "I love
you." What can I do to make her let me go?
-- FED-UP CINDERELLA IN GEORGIA
FED-UP CINDERELLA: The situation you have described is not
a normal mother-daughter one; it is virtual slavery. You
must get out.
The first thing you should do is discuss your mother's
obsessive hold on you with your clergyman and find out if
someone from the church can give you a place to transition
to. If that's not possible, contact a domestic violence
shelter in a larger city than the one you live in -- because
in a sense, your mother's behavior is a form of domestic
violence.
ABBY: I'm having trouble at home, and nobody will listen
to me. My dad is asleep all the time, and my mom is too
tired and won't stop playing on the computer. What should
I do?
-- FEELING ALL ALONE, DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.
FEELING ALL ALONE: Regardless of what is causing your
parents' fatigue, you should be their first priority.
Because you cannot talk to them, you must find another
adult you can confide in. Ideally it would be another
relative -- a grandparent or an aunt. If that's not
possible, perhaps the mother of one of your friends would
make the time to listen and intercede with your parents
for you. Please know you have my sympathy, and that while
you think you are all alone, many other young people share
your problem.
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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END OF ABBY
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