Publication: Dear Abby Childhood Drownings Still Haunt Man 30 Years Later | |
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DEAR ABBY - March 17, 2008
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CHILDHOOD DROWNINGS STILL HAUNT MAN 30 YEARS LATER
ABBY: I'm married to a wonderful man. "Dave" and I are in
our late 30s.
When Dave was about 5, he was with two of his cousins who
were about the same age. The three were inseparable. While
they were playing, the smaller cousin fell into a pond, and
the older one jumped in after him and tried to save him. All
my husband could do was stand and watch as both of his little
cousins -- his best friends -- drowned before his eyes. He
ran for help, but by then it was too late.
I know most of the story from my mother-in-law, as Dave is
unwilling to talk about it.
Last night, I went upstairs and there was my darling, weeping
uncontrollably. Dave told me that he lives with horrible
depression every day because of what happened, and he can't
get past it. I want my husband to see a grief counselor, but
he refuses because he doesn't think he'd be able to talk about
it.
Abby, I love my husband. He doesn't deserve to live with
this horror for the rest of his life. How can I convince him
to get professional help?
-- HURTING FOR MY HUSBAND
HURTING: Remind Dave that when this happened, he was only 5,
and under the circumstances, he did everything he could to
save his cousins. Although this incident, which has haunted
him all these years, will be difficult to talk about, it's
the only way to rid himself of the feelings of helplessness
and survivor guilt from which he is clearly suffering.
Talking to a counselor will help him to reclaim his life and
rid himself of his depression. For a couple of sessions, he
may indeed just sit there and cry. But tears can be healing.
And eventually he WILL be able to talk about what happened.
Clip this column, give it to your husband, and tell him that
I, too, am urging him to get the help he needs. He's in my
thoughts and prayers, and the longest journey begins with a
single step.
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ABBY: My husband and I are in the process of creating a will.
We have a 29-year-old son, married, with two young daughters.
We also have a single 25-year-old son.
I have an engagement diamond with matching wedding band, and
a mother's ring with diamonds and rubies. Both are of great
sentimental value to me. Because I don't have a daughter,
what is standard etiquette? My instinct is to will them to
both granddaughters, but I don't want my daughter-in-law to
feel slighted. She's very important to me. Any "rules" on
this one?
-- WONDERING IN MINNESOTA
WONDERING: Leave them to your granddaughters. Upon your
death, they should go to your daughter-in-law for "safe-
keeping" until the girls are old enough to appreciate both
their monetary and sentimental value.
ABBY: I was recently at a family gathering with my
husband's family. His uncle was hosting the party, and his
wife asked me a question that I honestly didn't know the
answer to.
His uncle's wife asked me how she should introduce me to
their friends. Should she say, "This is our nephew's wife"
or should she introduce me as their "niece"? What's the
right answer for a situation like this?
-- NANCY IN ARNOLD, MD.
NANCY: Tell your husband's aunt that the next time she makes
the introductions, she should say, "This is our nephew,
'Bob,' and his lovely wife, Nancy," and to say it with a
smile.
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
____________________________________________________________
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