Publication: Dear Abby
Wife Misses Ex's Friendship After Years Of Breaking Up | |
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DEAR ABBY - March 20, 2008
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WIFE MISSES EX'S FRIENDSHIP AFTER YEARS OF BREAKING UP
ABBY: My ex-husband and I have remained friends and lovers
for the past 37 years. We maintained a relationship that
included shared vacations and socializing together. We even
talked of living in a retirement home together one day.
Three months ago, he stopped communicating with me. A month
later, he sent me a greeting card telling me to "remember
our good times always."
My heart has not mended. I cry continuously. I have not
contacted him, but I know I deserve more than this because
of the nature of our relationship. Abby, how do I handle
these emotions, my future, and the social and family events
that will be coming up?
-- GRIEVING IN DAYTON, OHIO
GRIEVING: Under the circumstances, your feelings -- and your
tears -- are normal. You are grieving for your lost husband.
This is a process you should have gone through 37 years ago,
when the marriage ended. But because you continued behaving
as husband and wife, the strings remained tied.
It would be healthier for you if you had some closure. By
that I mean if he had explained why he was ceasing
communication. After all this time you deserve some answers
-- even if they're painful to hear.
You may need professional counseling to handle your emotions.
As to the social and family events that are scheduled, ask a
friend to accompany you. Your future will take care of itself.
ABBY: I am in my 40s, single, and have bought a house. There
is no man in my future. My parents helped me by giving me the
down payment. They expect me to pay them back plus interest.
My parents paid for both my sisters' weddings and also helped
with the expense for my brother's wedding. Since they didn't
have to pay for a wedding for me, I think the down payment
should be considered "wedding money," and I should not be
required to pay it back. What is your opinion?
-- JILTED DOWN SOUTH
JILTED: What bothers me about your letter is the sense of
entitlement it conveys. I assume that at the time your
parents loaned you the money, you agreed to the terms. If
that's the case, then you should abide by them. You are
fortunate your parents were willing (and able) to help you.
Residential loans are not easy to get right now.
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ABBY: I always find the letters you print about "pennies
from heaven" intriguing. I lost a dear friend to a serious
illness a few years ago. I was at work the day after her
death, and we were having a severe, unseasonable thunder-
storm. I had to wait until it was over to get to my car.
As I approached my car, I noticed a shiny penny -- not on
the ground, but on the back of my windshield! The hairs on
the back of my neck stood up. I immediately thought of my
friend Lisa. She must have known that I had been berating
myself for not having been there for her while she was at
her sickest point. In my heart, I feel that the penny was
Lisa's way of telling me she forgave me for not being a
better friend.
-- WISH I HAD A SECOND CHANCE
WISH: Regret is the cancer of life. Rather than looking
backward, resolve to do better in the future. We find
forgiveness where we look for it -- and if finding the
penny was a comfort to you, then it has served its purpose.
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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