Publication: Dear Abby
Close Friend's Affair Is Causing Pain All Around | |
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DEAR ABBY - April 1, 2008
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CLOSE FRIEND'S AFFAIR IS CAUSING PAIN ALL AROUND
ABBY: My closest friend, "Tina," who is married, has been
having an affair for a few months. She has now decided she's
no longer in love with her husband, "Hal," and wants a
divorce. Tina and Hal have been in my life for several years
and are like family to me.
Hal recently reached out to me for an explanation about
Tina's 180-degree change in attitude, feelings and behavior.
He is crushed and confused about why she wants a divorce. He
told me he had asked her if she had been cheating. Of course,
Tina lied to him.
I don't want to be the one to tell Hal what she's doing, but
I feel I owe it to him. I'm disgusted with Tina, and it's
killing me to see him in so much pain. What do you suggest?
Am I really a friend if I don't tell, or should I continue
keeping her dirty little secret?
-- IN THE MIDDLE IN CORPUS CHRISTI
IN THE MIDDLE: Hal already suspects that Tina is cheating, or
he wouldn't have asked for confirmation. If you "spill," it
will cost you your friendship with Tina. However, from the
tone of your letter, it appears that she's someone for whom
you have lost respect anyway.
Tina's secret will be common knowledge soon. If you reveal it
to Hal, he will not be thrilled to hear the news. There's a
reason why people were afraid to give Caesar bad news. He had
a habit of killing the messenger. So be prepared.
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ABBY: My children have been cared for by a wonderful baby
sitter I'll call "Sally" for two years. Mine are the only
children Sally watches, and she has three of her own. Our
families have a friendly relationship.
Once in a while I will stop at the grocery store on my way
home, or take off from work early for a dental appointment
or some personal time. It is rare, but it does happen. I
always tell Sally because I want to be honest. When I do,
sometimes she acts like I should have picked them up right
away. I still get there on time -- sometimes early -- and I
pay her well.
Is there an unwritten rule that sitters are only for when
you are at work? I don't think I have abused her services,
but sometimes I feel as though she thinks so.
-- FEELING GUILTY IN ILLINOIS
FEELING GUILTY: If there was an unwritten rule that sitters
are only for when you're at work, legions of parents would
have no social life. Perhaps it's time for you to review the
terms of your baby-sitting agreement with Sally. You are
paying her for a service -- to watch your children between
specific times. As long as you are there to pick them up on
time, you have no reason to feel guilty.
And I see no reason why you feel compelled to explain to her
if you choose to take a "detour." Perhaps she becomes annoyed
because you're reminding her that you have free time and she
doesn't.
ABBY: My boyfriend, "Brady," and I do not share the same
passions. I'm a gay rights activist and love animals. Brady
is tolerant of gays, but does not love animals. (I have
three cats.) Also, he is not altruistic.
"Something" is not right. I need to decide if I should go it
alone because I have no intention of giving up my passions in
life. What do you think?
-- ON DIFFERENT PATHS IN TEXAS
ON DIFFERENT PATHS: I think you should continue on your own
path until you find your soul mate. As nice a person as Brady
may be, he's not "The One" -- and that's the "something" that
isn't right.
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
____________________________________________________________
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END OF ABBY
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