Publication: Clean Laffs
I feel for you. | |
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CLEAN LAFFS - Tuesday, April 15, 2008
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Good morning crew,
Well, today is April 15th, and if you haven't done your
taxes yet then you are probably not even reading this. You
are probably bent over a table full of papers and forms,
frantically punching a calculator while the hold music for
the IRS helpline is playing in your ear over the phone you
have cradled against your head. Occasionally a voice will
interrupt the music to say something like, "Your wait time
is three...hundred...seventy...five...minutes," at which
point you begin chewing on the last fingernail you have
left on your hands.
If this is you, I feel for you. I gave up doing my own
taxes years ago. I can barely fill out an application much
less a tax form.
Laugh it up,
Joe
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Clean Laffs Forum
***
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***
"According to his tax return, last year Vice President Dick
Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money
went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, 'Coal for Tots.'"
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Taxes are due Tuesday. I recommend this: At 11 o'clock
Tuesday night, take 20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers.
Put them in an envelope; drive around until you find one of
those post offices that are open until midnight. No problem."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush
administration, your bank account is being liberated."
—Jay Leno
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"This year, there are some major changes that you, as a tax-
payer, should be aware of. This year, every taxpayer, living
or dead, must file two tax returns. One of these is your
regular tax return, which is for your regular federal govern-
ment headquartered in Washington, D.C. But you must also file
a shadow tax return, including a shadow tax payment.
"This is a top-secret operation that, according to The
Washington Post, has been set up in a heavily guarded, un-
disclosed location in the basement of the Big Boy restaurant
in Bismarck, N.D. The function of the shadow government is
to ensure that, even if the "unthinkable" happens, we, as
American citizens, will still have a central federal authority
with the ability and resources to provide us with a tax code.
"The shadow government is basically a scaled-down version of
the one in Washington, with everything necessary to continue
critical government operations, including lobbyists, an
exact working replica of Dick Cheney, a Starbucks, a five-
foot-high Washington monument, and a miniature "congress"
made up of gerbils wearing tiny suits who have been trained
to hold hearings and authorize the construction of unnecessary
highway projects named after Robert C. Byrd."
-Dave Barry
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked
up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from
the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his
pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot,
wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it
just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
____________________________________________________________
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END OF CLEAN LAFFS
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