Publication: Clean Laffs
I don't mind the 'distressed' look. | |
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CLEAN LAFFS - Thursday, March 27, 2008
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Good morning crew,
It's time to carve some money out of the beer budget for
clothes. One of the girls in the office actually pointed
out a hole in the shirt I am wearing today. Talk about
embarrassing. I don't mind having that 'distressed' look
if it means I can save a few bucks on clothes, but when
body parts start popping out of my apparel I figure it's
time to update the wardrobe.
Laugh it up,
Joe
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Clean Laffs Forum
***
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***
The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order
music company where my wife works as a customer service
representative.
Some college students, who were working part-time inputting
customer information, wrote the following notes regarding
some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles:
'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"
------------------------------------------------------------
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Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit
their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found
in high school essays in order to have them published and
sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the
country. Recent winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling
Free.
3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a
dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disin-
tegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude
shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM
machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation
in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead
of 7:30.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after
a sneeze.
12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.
13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two humming-
birds who had also never met.
15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and
she was the East River.
16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.
20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Even though my Ecuadoran son-in-law is fluent in English, he
translates some figures of speech too literally. When I com-
mented that he and my daughter are about the same age, but
she looks much younger, he agreed.
"Yes," he said. "Some people think I stole the crib."
____________________________________________________________
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