Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - May 7, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
A friend of mine has been keeping me apprised of a friend of his
who has been going through a rough patch in his life. Last I
heard the guy finally got a new job and the wife quickly told
him she wanted out of the marriage. Fast forward a few months
and I'm playing golf with my buddy.
"Hey," I said, "Whatever happened with Ralph and his wife?"
"Nothing yet. He yold me that he hasn't brought it up and
neither has she."
"That's weird," I said. "Are they still--" and I began to mime
some doggy-style sex while slapping an invisible ass.
He nervously looked around and said, "I don't know if they are
still having sex or not, TZ."
"Well find out, will ya? And get as many details as possible."
Grapevineingly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of
Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she
peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people
she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've
been waiting for you. Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such
a wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed
her into Heaven.
About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked
her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband
arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband
told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of
you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the
little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And
my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on
vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my
head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
We were having dinner at Mexican Restuarant and the waiter
finally came to take our order. He began rattling off a list
of specials.
"Whoa," I interrupted. "I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish."
One of his arms dropped to his side, the other went to his
hip. "I was speaking English, you pendejo."
"Oh, sorry," I apologized. "You’re not going to shit in my
burrito now, are you?"
He smiled. I ate light.
On Friday, Lewis asked me if I wanted to play golf on both
Saturday AND Sunday.
"Both days?" I asked.
"Yes, my wife is going out of town and I’d like to squeeze in
as much golf as I can."
"Hmm," I said as an idea hit me. "Can I borrow your cock ring?"
"What the hell does a cock ring have to do with golfing?" he
asked confusedly.
"Well, if I want to spend my days out on the course with you
I’ll need to keep my wife really happy...I can’t do that on my
own."
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Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings
home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to
fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull
that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in
the toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot
screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to
fuck you!"
Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in
the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's
having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out
her tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she
hears, "I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody hootchie and says, "If you
can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like
this!"
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