Publication: Classic Bizarre
Man Survives Spear Through Head | |
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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, December 12, 2006
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Do you think explosives were planted in the Twin Towers to
bring them down?
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Greetings Fellow Bizarros:
I hope everybody here in the U.S. had an exceptional Inde-
pendence Day. We did the usual...invited a few neighbors
over, had a barbecue, stayed up late to watch fireworks.
Only one rather unusual event happened, and I'm afraid it
was my poor wife who paid the price. My neighbor Frank
likes to consider himself a practical jokester. After we
had eaten I set the barbecue grill on the side of the
deck to cool off and let the coals burn down. When nobody
was looking in his direction Frank popped a Blackcat into
the grill.
There was just enough heat left to light the thing and the
explosion made everybody jump out of their seats. It also
sent a small cloud of ash into the air which the wind
carried directly into my wife's face. She was not happy.
Frank appologized so many times (after my wife came back
out of the house with fresh clothes on) that she finally
forgave him. But something tells me we won't be having any
more neighborhood barbecues for a while.
In related news, the family has finally convinced me to
take them on vacation. So next week we'll be on the road
to Florida. Air fares for the entire family were so cost
prohibitive that we decided to drive. I'm sure that will
be an adventure by itself. Hopefully I will be able to send
an issue to the office from the road. And now...on with the
bizarre.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
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+--------------- Bizarre December Hoidays -----------------+
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Visit Bizarre News
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----------- Man Survives a Spear Through the Head ----------
CRETE, Greece - In a truly bizarre accident a 20-year-old
student accidentally shot himself through the head with a
spear gun while fishing by himself at a beach in Crete.
When the young man's friends realized he was missing they
contacted lifeguards in the area. That is when lifeguard
Stelios Xenakis found him in the water. Xenakis said, "He
was floating upright with water up to his waist, and I
reckon he was in this position for about six hours. He was
conscious and aware of his environment. He couldn't speak
and was having trouble breathing." The 40-inch long spear
was embedded in the boy's head, entering at his jaw and
protruding from the top of his skull. It took neurosurgeons
over three hours to remove the spear. The boy's life was
spared by millimeters - the spear had passed through one
of the spaces in the brain that are non-functional. The
lucky boy reportedly has no health problems and is back
at home. No word on how soon he'll go spearfishing again.
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----- Polar Bears Vs. Homeowners in Norway Crime Spree -----
NORWAY - Thieving polar bears are on the loose in Norway and
have already broken into 20 cabins. After they break into
the person's home, they smash doors, destroy furniture, and
empty drawers, but they have not physically harmed any
civilians. At first, authorities tried to scare off the ani-
mals with loud noises, but they've had to resort to stronger
means. Chief of police, Olav Tombre, said, "When warnings
don't help we have to use language polar bears understand."
The police plan to use rubber bullets to scare them and paint-
balls to easily identify them. Officials at the Polar
Institute say that global warming will make it harder and
harder for polar bears to find food. The Institute predicts
more conflicts between homeowners and polar bears.
-- Young Boy Takes Grandpa's Advice; Shreds Dad's Salary ---
CATANIA, Sicily - Grandparents often share their sage advice
with youngsters to teach them the values of life. A five-year-
old Sicilian boy took his grandfather's wisdom a bit too
literally when he told him, "money is just worthless trash."
The very next day the grandson helped his 33-year-old father
get rid of his "trash." The boy found a wad of cash in his
dad's wallet and tore it up into little pieces until it was
unusable. Just in case, he threw the remains out of the win-
dow. It turns out the wad of money was actually his father's
entire monthly salary. Now it's just worthless confetti.
------------ Where Are You Going With That ATM? -----------
If you've ever wondered why more ATMs aren't stolen, there's
a simple reason: They weigh a ton. That's why when three men
attempted to drive off with an entire ATM the other day in
Kansas City, they took two tow trucks with them. The Kansas
City Star says that police starting getting 9-1-1 calls in
the wee hours of Tuesday morning from people who were curious
why tow trucks were parked in front of an ATM on Belleview
Avenue. When police arrived, three men drove off in a Jeep
Cherokee, abandoning the two tow trucks. The publication says
that the ATM was slightly damaged but all of its money was
secure. The investigation continues.
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-------- Art Thief Mugged by Homeless During Escape --------
HUNGARY - An art thief had successfully stolen several high-
priced paintings from a museum and made it out of the build-
ing when he slipped on some wet grass. He cried out in pain
and accidentally woke up sleeping homeless people nearby.
The vagrants seized the opportunity and took the thief's
stolen goods, in addition to his tools and most of his
clothes. The thief had been lying on the ground for 30 hours
before anyone noticed and called police. The thief described
the vagrants as "smelly" and said they had been sleeping
"rough". Kiscelli Museum representatives fear the valuable
paintings are no longer in existence and that the second set
of thieves likely used them to start a fire.
[30 hours! The moral of this story is don't get mugged in
Hungary.]
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis, I heart you! Just thought I'd tell you that you rock!
--Rebecca
[Well...that's what it says on the wall in the ladies room.]
Hey Lewis, what column does TZ write? I keep hearing about him
in this newsletter and Chad's, but I still have no clue! -Jess
[TZ is the editor of Laff-a-Day, our adult humor publication.
You can sign up for it on www.shagmail.com but I must warn you,
he has no taste whatsoever.]
My God, Your God, "ONE NATION UNDER GOD"! What is the problem
with some people? Is this so hard to understand? -Rhonda
[Ah ha! But what if you don't believe in God? How about some-
thing a little more descriptive, like... "One nation, under
indictment."]
Hey Lewis, I love your newsletter; I recently ran across this
article and thought you might be interested...
Semen acts as an anti-depressant. Semen makes you happy.
That's the remarkable conclusion of a study comparing women
whose partners wear condoms with those whose partners don't.
The study showed that the women who were directly exposed
to semen were less depressed. The researchers think this is
because mood-altering hormones in semen are absorbed through
the vagina. They say they have ruled out other explanations.
[I wonder if it would work orally?]
In your comments Wednesday, you referred to the 'Republic'.
What with all the hooplah over the 'Pledge' and the fact
that it also refers to the Republic, could you explain to
your readers why we 'don't' live in a democracy as most
probably believe, but a republic and what the difference
would be.
[It's as easy as pie. A pure democracy would be where every-
body takes part in government. A republic is when legislative
powers rest with representatives elected by the people, and
not the people directly. You might call it a "representative
democracy." There will be a test on this later.]
Hey Lewis, one of my favorite examples of bizarre political
correctness was, ...one Ohio professor received hate mail
and even death threats for proposing to teach a course ex-
posing political correctness. Ironically, the university's
Women's Studies director said, "We forbid any course that
says we restrict free speech." -Patrick Colvin
I've been reading Bizarre News for some time and love a good
witty commentary. Unfortunately you don't provide one. Your
column would be fine if you just presented the "bizarre"
stories and didn't preface it with your asinine remarks. So
I'm unsubscribing and that's unfortunate, because I really
did like reading the stories.
[Here is a man with a serious phobia of "scrolling."]
Hey Lewis...did you know Queen Anne had a transvestite cousin,
Lord Cornbury, whom she assigned to be governor of New York
and New Jersey. The colonists were not amused.
[Maybe, but it's funny now.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to:
Email Lewis
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