Publication: Classic Bizarre
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CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, January 12, 2007
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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Greetings Fellow Bizarros:
I made the mistake of playing golf with TZ, our editor of
Laff A Day. I think all of you know that I am far from a
prude, but every shot and every single opportunity at what
passes for civilized conversation turned to sex. TZ is my
buddy, but he needs to broaden is humor horizon.
The bad thing for me is that the lowest common denominator
of humor is catchy. For instance, we were about 220 yards
from the pin with water about 190 yards in front of us. TZ
takes out a 3-wood and says, "I'm going to green this
sucker." Being the courteous partner that I am (coupled
with the full knowledge that TZ golfs like my grandmother),
I suggested, "You may want to lay it up before the water.
Putting the ball on the green from here would qualify you
for the PGA."
TZ, undeterred and brashly said, "OK Lewis, Whaddya want
to bet?"
I did not want to take advantage of the poor guy, but
laughingly said, "Well, how about dinner and a blow job?"
TZ: Well...OK. Just get ready to pucker up!
TZ then addressed the ball, adjusted his grip a few times,
looked at the pin 220 yards away, hiked up his pants...I
realized I now was playing golf with Ed Norton. And with a
mighty swing, he topped the ball squibbing a pitiful 20
yards from his feet...juuuust a "little short."
He glanced at me with an embarrassed look remembering the
bet and said,
"Lewis, about that bet. Dinner is definitely out..."
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
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+----------------- Bizarre Canadian Laws ------------------+
You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch.
In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.
In Montreal, you may not swear in French.
Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or
spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100
Canadian dollars.
In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more
than two colors of paint on your house.
In Toronto, you can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St.
on a Sunday.
The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.
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--------- Courthouse Love Affair Nets Prison Time ----------
VANCOUVER, British Columbia - A Canadian man who had an affair
with a juror during his murder trial was sentenced to nearly
six years in prison for obstruction of justice in what a judge
termed "almost unimaginable." The British Columbia Supreme
Court imposed a harsher sentence on Peter Gill than it did on
the juror, Gillian Guess, who was convicted of the same charge.
The court called Gill's actions during the murder trial an
attempt to "subvert justice." Gill, 37, was convicted of having
an affair with Guess in 1995 while she was serving on the panel
that eventually acquitted him and four other defendants of
killing two men in an alleged drug deal.
[I didn't think those Canadians had it in them. Thanks to
Reuters.]
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--------- Move over Ted Williams...Mom in Freezer ----------
France's highest court has refused to allow two teachers to
keep their mother's body in a glass freezer at home. The
Conseil d'Etat ruled cryonics - stopping physical decay after
death in the hope of future revival - is illegal. Michel
Leroy and his sister Joelle from the French Indian Ocean
island of Reunion want to keep their mother's body in a
basement freezer. The Times says their mother Lise Leroy has
been in refrigeration since July 1999. Mr Leroy says he'll
challenge the decision at the European Court of Human Rights.
----------- 25-Foot Penis a Mystery to Residents -----------
The residents in the neighborhood of Joseph A. Foran High
School in Milford Connecticut awoke to an unfamiliar view
on the hillside located behind the school last June. Weed
killer was used in an apparent act of vandalism by unknown
assailants to burn an outline of a 25 foot phallic symbol
in to the grassy hillside. For over a month the graffiti
has remained after numerous attempts to erase the image.
Workers will have to uproot the grass and reseed the hill
in order to clear the image before the start of school later
this month. No complaint was ever filed with the Police and
it has not yet been investigated.
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------- Stunning Burglary Performed by Circus Troupe -------
CHILE - The next time your attending the Circus in Concepcion,
Chile don't forget to tip the performers. A circus troupe
performing at traffic lights used their skills to make a
little extra cash performing for pedestrians and motorists.
As a women rolled her car window down to toss them change,
the unexpected happened. A juggler tossed a spear puncturing
her tire. An acrobat somersaulted over the hood and snatched
the woman's gold necklace. Another smashed her passenger
window and snatched her bag while a fire-eater threatened to
blow flames in her face. Police captured one of the acrobats
but the stolen property was not recovered.
---------------- Snakes Run Amok in Airport ----------------
SAUDI ARABIA - Customs officials at King Khaled International
Airport in Riyadh encountered a slight problem while doing
a routine search last week. About 300 live poisonous cobras
escaped and wandered the airport after a man received a
request from officials to display the contents of his bag.
The reason why the man who had just disembarked a flight
from Cairo was carrying the serpents is unknown.
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
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Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis, You Are Being Sued. I have been experiencing long-
lasting, embarrassing erections after reading your column
for the last several weeks. My attorney will contact you
as soon as I figure out exactly why I'm suing you.
[I wouldn't worry about it. I get that too.]
Lewis, I have a good dildo story...I was on my way to a
bachelorette and i was in charge of buying the 'toys' for
the bride. Well, i bought the biggest dildo you can
imagine along with some other kinky stuff. i had to stop
at a drug store to pick up wrapping paper and ribbon and
as I was leaving, the alarm went off and the security
guard came to look through my purse...he pulled out the
dildo and started cracking up so much that the other
security guards came over too...i told them it was for
a bachelorette party and they all just looked at me and
said "uh huh,"...that was the most embarrassing thing
that has ever happened to me.
[The thing that strikes me about this story is that only
a woman would think to wrap a dildo in paper and ribbon.]
i'm gonna keep an eye on the results of the fat man suing
fast food restraunts. if he has it his way with burger king
then i'm suing KY Jelly for "tennis elbow" --adam
Haven't there already been americans who've sued tobacco
companies for getting cancer? -James
[You may be right. I should look into that, because if
it's true it would make my comment last week look bitingly
sarcastic and clever.]
Why would someone want to visualize you wearing their under-
wear? Though I'm sure you'd look just dashing in a bra.
[Ahem...that man-ssiere to you.]
Didn't read past that last comment about the woman at the
airport in your article. Would you please unsubscribe me.
I'm not a feminist, but the remark about it being funnier
because it happened to a woman was just not acceptable.
Some women are more easily embarrassed than others. Doesn't
make them fodder for fools to make derisive editorials about
them. No offense intended to you, of course.
[No offense to me...but then I wasn't the one with a vib-
rating dildo.]
Lewis: If you were surprised that a female could recognize
you by seeing your naked bottom think about this: My sister-
in-law came home very angry. She had an appointment with
the gynecologist and she had been positioned with her feet
in the stirrups and a sheet covering her from waist down.
The doctor walked into the room and asked the nurse who it
was and before she could answer he lifted the sheet and said
"Oh Jean!" -Dorry
[Interesting story...it makes me afraid to ever meet my proc-
tologist in the grocery store.]
Hey Lewis! About the couple who forgot to ancor their boat
when they went for a dip... 14 hours seems like a long time
to tread water. Why didn't they try to swim to the edge of
the lake? -Molly
[Well, Lake Michigan is 307 miles long and 118 miles wide.
They might not have been able to see the shore.]
It's been like "Groundhog Day" this week. I've received that
same issue of bizzare news at least three times. Maybe your
mailer is cycling a "send" command on it's own. Or, is this
another bizzare story in the making, hmmm...? --Bob
[The mail server went a little schizophrenic last week, at
least that's how I interpreted the jargon the computer guy
was spewing at me. It seems the server kept re-setting it-
self and would start over at the beginning of the list. So
the subscribers at the end of the list have no idea what
we're talking about.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to:
Email Lewis
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END OF CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS
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