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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, October 31, 2006
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Does the US have the right to bar Space projects by foreign
countries?
Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week
Greetings Fellow Bizarros:
It has been a red letter week for science! The Washington
Post recently cited new research which indicates that the
fantasies of ovulating women tend to focus most on men who
are not their primary partners. Hmmm...seems women are not
all that different from men after all.
Their partners appeared to respond by becoming unusually
possessive. The women reported that their primary partners
tended to check in with them by telephone more often than
usual and trying to monopolize their time. At least we're
consistent, girls.
In a related study...the science of deodorants has taken
a giant leap ahead as researchers discover that blocking
bacteria's supply of iron can keep armpits smelling fresh.
Bacteria, as we all know, is what causes unseemly body
odor. Most deodorants fight the bacteria themselves with
alcohol. A new formula called DPTA combines with free iron
before bacteria can bind to it. Still no cure for cancer,
however.
But the jewel in the crown is a new survey which indicates
that a significant number of respondents admitted to resting
and taking naps on company time...while in the toilet. Others
surveyed said they think about work while in the restroom,
followed by food, sex and sex with their co-workers. So if
you're an attractive young woman and you notice any of the
guys in the office looking at you while they return from the
bathroom, you know what they're thinking about.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
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Liquid Plummer - Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store
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Toilet Plunger - Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Little Ones Baby Lotion - Keep away from children
Hair Coloring - Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Boot's Children's Cough Medicine - Do not drive a car or run
machinery.
***
------------ Teen Steals Teacher's SUV for Prom ------------
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - Ahh, high school memories.
Graduation. Prom. Robbery charges. At least for 18-year-old
Brian Njau. When it came time to take his girlfriend to the
prom, Njau panicked. He didn't have a car and renting one
proved to be unfeasible. So, as teacher Stacy Stoudt left
the building last Friday, Njau used an unloaded BB gun to
force her into giving up her sport utility vehicle. Police
found the SUV in a hotel parking lot the next day, and Njau
is being held on $100,000 bail for robbery, aggravated
assault and other charges at Berks Country Prison. The
student explains that he wasn't thinking clearly when he
held up the teacher: "I don't have credit, so I couldn't
[rent] a car. I wasn't thinking straight."
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--- Mom Arrested for Throwing R-Rated Party for Daughter ---
HERNANDO, Florida - Melissa Balkcom was arrested last week on
two charges of lewd and lascivious exhibition after she held
a sexually oriented birthday party for her daughter and
friends. During the course of the gathering, the 200-pound
Balkcom performed nude jumping jacks and encouraged the 9-13-
year-old girls to do so as well. Additionally, she dared a
13-year old child to demonstrate oral sex on a bottle. The
27-year-old mother dared other kids to "French kiss" the
television, perform lap dances in a chair, and "lap wiggle"
one another. Detective Portia Guinn said "Most of the girls
at the party didn't even know what a lot of these things
were." Balkcom quickly educated the youngsters and now faces
a maximum penalty of 15 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
Balkcom admits she made a mistake.
------------- Teacher Reveals Porn During Exam -------------
WILTSHIRE, England - A group of students at a leading
independent school in Wiltshire were diligently taking a
mock exam when a few of them looked up and saw naked breasts.
Apparently the teacher overseeing the exam, Richard Jowett,
was busy looking up porn sites on his computer; only, he
forgot that it was linked up to the monitor, and several
students caught an eyeful on the large screen. After the
test, one student reported the images to another staff
member, and an investigation is underway. Head teacher
Edward Gould said, "Three weeks ago, while invigilating
a practice examination for 17 pupils, Richard Jowett used
the computer and entered a website for 13 minutes containing
still photographs of naked adult women." Gould continued,
saying that "Mr. Jowett is currently on sick leave." How
coincidental.
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------ Grandmother Jailed for Leading Pickpocket Ring ------
FLORIDA - A 65-year-old grandmother was sentenced to four
years in jail for running a pickpocket ring targeted toward
the elderly. Ernestine Williams ran a group of 80 recruits
and taught them to direct their attacks on elderly shoppers
and even joined them on an occasional outing. Some of her
recruits were arrested, but Williams herself was overlooked
because she uses a wheelchair. She was eventually arrested,
however, when detectives investigated a succession of
pickpocket attempts throughout the state. Williams tried to
beg the court's mercy, claiming she was too weak to go to
jail. Judge Kenneth Marra disagreed, and it's off to prison
for the grandmother.
------------ Naked Chickens Causing Controversy ------------
A new breed of "naked" chicken created by scientists in the
search for tastier, healthier poultry has angered animal
rights campaigners. Despite its bizarre appearance, the red-
skinned broiler could become a supermarket success because it
is designed to grow faster and contain less fat than normal
chickens. It will also be cheaper to produce since its lack
of feathers means there is no need to pluck it. Animal rights
campaigners condemned the plan. Adrian Bebb of Friends of the
Earth said: "This is scientists tampering with our food again
just to make it even cheaper. I think it will have a traumatic
effect on animals and the public will be horrified." Spencer
Fitzgibbon, of the Green Party, said: "It's a monster of an
animal. We should be working with nature, not against it. The
bottom line is profit, but it should be animal welfare."
[Thanks to thisislondon.com]
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Hey Lewis, I thought you might like to know that in the state
of Maine, it's legal for a woman to marry her uncle, nephew,
or first cousin! Yet, you can't marry a step-sibling, even
though they're not a blood relative. Let's just redefine
kissing cousin, now shall we? I grew up in Maine, and knew
two families in which close relatives had married legally.
They were both rather "odd" families. I live in Florida now,
and there's no blood relation between me and my husband, for
the record. Keep the Bizarre News coming! --Diane
[You can admit if he's your step-brother. We're very liberal
minded around here.]
Hey Lewis, I was watching HBO's Real Sex this weekend and got
an answer to your question about whether or not there is a
male counterpart to the completely life-like Sex Doll. Yes
there is, and "he" sells for about $5,000 with interchangeable
penises. Thanks for the newsletters. - Keira
[I saw that episode too. It doesn't look like it's worth five
large to me.]
Lewis, I've told all my friends about Bizarre News, and BOTH
of them said they'd subscribe!
[That's who we appeal to; the loner, the misunderstood genius,
even the clinically insane. The Bizarre News readership is a
melting pot.]
You gotta be one of the funniest things that ever dropped
into my inbox. Could you please disclose to your readers
exactly what species you are a member of?
[Homo Bizarrus.]
Do like your news. Even though you have radical left wing
liberal assholes writeing in to put down anybody who is a
Patriotic American. Maybe they should go to Afghanistan and
help the Taliban.
[Hey! It is every American's constitutionally guaranteed
right to be a radical left wing liberal asshole.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to:
Email Lewis
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