Publication: Classic Bizarre
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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, November 3, 2006
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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Should smoking be made illegal?
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:
The wife has been on a health food kick lately. It's been
fruits, salads, tuna fish, wild rice, whole grain bread,
vegetable stew...she even tried to feed me cod liver oil
and tofu (although I hear cod liver oil is supposed to be
excellent for blood pressure, bones, teeth and skin, if you
can just get the stuff down).
I must admit that I have not been very cooperative or even
appreciative of her efforts, especially since she has my
best interests in mind. I tend to complain when all I get
for dinner is a salad with a skinless chicken breast and
lentil soup.
"How come we never have steaks any more?" I asked.
"Red meat will kill you." she answered.
"You have to die of something. I might as well have a full
stomach. These salads just aren't filling!"
"Do you know how long it took me to prepare that salad?" She
was getting annoyed. "Why don't you try contributing instead
of constantly complaining?"
I was telling this story to TZ when he said, "Why don't you
bring her home one of our new chopper gadgets?"
"It's a wonder you're still married," I said. "You don't give
your wife a kitchen appliance when she's upset at you!"
It did give me an idea, however, on how I could make it up
to her. I grabbed a chopper, and went to the grocery store
to pick up all the makings for a HUGE salad - plus a steak
for myself. A meal she doesn't have to prepare herself, now
THAT'S a gift you give to your wife when she's mad at you.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
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---------- Counter-fitter Didn't Use Spell Check -----------
With all the new technology available today it's not that
tough to make rip-off copies of things. A really good
graphics-capable computer can crank out fairly good currency.
And there are ways of producing credit cards. But even the
best machinery can't correct spelling errors. And an error
in spelling is what tripped up a man who tried to make fake
credit cards. According to news reports in Vancouver, Wash.,
the man was sentenced to prison on nearly two-dozen counts
of identify theft. What tipped off merchants and the police
is that in making fake Platinum Mastercards, he spelled the
word "Plotinum."
------- Husband Tells Wife, "It's Me or the Ferrets" -------
LONDON, England - A husband in London is divorcing his wife
of 34 years because she refuses to kick her two pet ferrets
out of bed every night. In fact, he says she spends more
time doting on the ferrets than she does with him. He's
mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! He has
officially filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable
behavior. Instead of hiring a lawyer, though, he filed for
divorce through the internet site Divorce-Online. His wife
has yet to respond. The 50-ish couple married young. He is
a postal worker, while she is a care worker.
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----- Groom "Forgets" Marriage; Leaves Wife at Airport -----
AUSTIN, Texas - There's nothing like the honeymoon period
for newlyweds in love. Only this groom didn't remember any-
thing, including his new wife or the marriage ceremony.
Sean McNulty, 30, and his wife were all set to begin their
honeymoon and went to the Houston airport. He left his wife
at the airport terminal to get his wallet from the car, but
he never came back. Three days later, McNulty was found at a
hotel near the airport and unfortunately could not remember
anything. Police showed him pictures from the wedding, but
he didn't recognize his wife. They then deduced that he made
it to the airport parking lot, but after receiving a blow to
the head, he suffered a case of amnesia. McNulty was taken to
the hospital, but police still don't know what caused the
injury. His frantic wife is now trying to jog his memory,
hoping he'll remember something of their wedding and family.
-- Man Kills 2,000 Animals and Buries Them on His Property --
LILLIAN, Alabama - For more than 40 years, a man in Alabama
has allegedly been buying dogs for $10 each so he could then
take them home for slaughter. According to court records, the
man's property contained the remains of over 2,000 animals,
but no motive has been reported. At the same time, there is
a pending investigation involving greyhounds from a racetrack
in Florida. The racing dogs might have been improperly disposed
of, and all have been confirmed to have killed by gunfire.
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
It's ok to genetically engineer a deaf child for a couple who
can't reproduce naturally yet it is completely offensive to
have a featherless chicken with less fat. I think that all
of these retards we read about should get pounded up the ass.
[Now you have it. Genetically engineered deaf babies, yes.
Genetically engineered dinner, no.]
I think the featherless fowls will be an overwhelming success
despite the protests. When has the American Public NOT enjoyed
bare breasted chicks? --Tom
You're Homo Bizarrus? Does your wife know?
[Yes, but she's okay with it.]
This is really random, but I was watching a Discovery Channel
show about Haiti, and they have a really bizzare law there.
It is illegal to "raise the dead and/or create zombies."
This one guy tried to make a zombie army of 600 formerly dead
people, but was only (in his own words) "0 to 50 percent suc-
cessful." --Kelly
[Sounds like a wise law to me.]
Lewis- During my freshman year of high school, my biology
teacher had left our class with a sub and video to occupy
us. When we put in the tape, it was in the middle, so we
rewound it, only to find a porn video our instructor had
taped over. He didn't get arrested, but he did become a
legend. --Cidra
[No, legendary would be if he were IN the movie.]
Hi Lewis - Dont know how i got on this list in the first
place, but rest assured I won't be unsubscribing. This is
a great newsletter, keep up the great work. Loving some of
the australian content ~ we're just as odd as you guys!
--shelley
[Trust me, Shelley, you're much more odd.]
I have a sneaking suspicion that you, TZ and all of the other
shagmail writers are actually the same person, and that all
of the column stories are taken from old TV sitcoms. Is this
bizarre enough to get me into the reader's comments?
[No and no.]
Hey Lewis Because I used one of your Bizzaro articles at an
ATM machine I met my new girlfriend. After the initial awk-
wardness I told her about the columbian couple who had been
caught "making a different kind of transaction" in the con-
fines of the ATM booth. She smiled and said "oh your one of
those, huh, a bizzaro?" Then I find out she reads your new-
sletter also. We went for some coffee and now I have a date
for this holiday weekend. But thanx to you and your newsletter
I can say it does pay to be weird and bizarre. Keep the news-
letter coming.
[Now THAT is what I call a story.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to:
Email Lewis
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END OF CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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