Publication: Classic Bizarre
Dad Has Sons Help in Burglury | |
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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, December 26, 2006
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Should we end our embargo of Cuba?
Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week
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Greetings Fellow Bizarros:
The reason this story caught my eye is that we have run
this list before. It is a contest to submit bad opening
sentences to imaginary novels. In this case the worst
punning and most unrealistic imagery wins.
Lists of entries to this contest circulate around the Inter-
net every year. You might recognize examples like, "The
boat drifted across the water exactly like a bowling ball
wouldn't." That is from this contest.
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest has been sponsored by San
Jose State University for the last 21 years. This year the
winning narrative goes to Oakland, California resident Rephah
Berg. She has actually won in two different categories two
years in a row now. This year's "burst of wit" as she likes
to call them is as follows...
"On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with
Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride
but more like when the toilet-paper roll gets a little squashed
so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can
hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go
nuts and push it back into shape."
As long as you have a talent for something, that's the im-
portant part.
Following up on the Bizarre Wet T-shirt Contest, the response
was overwhelming. We well exceeded the ten thousand positive
votes the CEO wanted to see before giving permission to move
forward with the project. Now all we have to do is build a
page with a voting feature and we will be ready to start
soliciting entries. I will keep you posted as we make pro-
gress.
And now, on with the bizarre.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
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+--------------- Bizarre December Hoidays -----------------+
Check it out at www.BizarreNews.com
Visit Bizarre News
-------------- Man Scares Relative; Gets Shot --------------
ARTESIA, New Mexico - The Garcia family encountered a freak
shooting accident on their annual fishing trip. Late one
night, the family was walking along a trail when some of
them decided it would be funny to sneak ahead, hide behind
some bushes, and scare the others. Oh, they scared them all
right. In fact, one relative was so frightened that he shot
and wounded Felix Garcia, 36, three times before realizing
who the culprit was. Felix was wounded in the stomach, hip,
and thigh, but it wasn't life-threatening. Lt. Britt Snyder
of the Sheriff's Department said, "The investigation is
still ongoing to determine whether any charges will be
filled. There doesn't appear to be any intent."
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------ Dad Takes Sons to Help in Neighborhood Burglary -----
PENNSYLVANIA - Police in Pennsylvania report that a father
of two boys, ages 4 and 6, took them with on a friendly
excursion to their neighbor's house. To rob them. The home-
owner's returned in the middle of the burglary, and they
found the two boys waiting for their dad. The infamous
parent, Shawn Popish, has been charged with burglary,
criminal trespass and corruption of minors. In his defense,
Popish claims he was trying to STOP a burglary in process,
but police aren't buying the story and say it's "very
unlikely". In the meantime, the children were given to
their mother.
-------------- "Macho" Stunt Sets Off Tear Gas -------------
MARSEILLES, Illinois - Police are investigating a stunt from
last week that involved tear gas. A group of men, which may
have included two emergency workers, held hands in a circle,
ignited a gas canister, and waited to see who could tough it
out the longest. They failed to take into account the block
party that was occurring nearby. Police responded to an emer-
gency call. Police chief James Hovious said, "The gas was
causing respiratory problems for the victims, irritating
their eyes." Hovious estimated that 5-10 people at the party
were affected by the gas, but no one needed to be transported
to the hospital. Police have one suspect who set off the gas,
but no arrests have been made.
------------- Nude Surfing...On the Family Car -------------
JACKSONVILLE, Florida - A happy young couple was driving
through Jacksonville with their three-year-old daughter
when a naked man tried to get in their car. Startled, they
immediately locked the doors and attempted to drive away.
The nudist clung to the hood and banged on the windscreen.
His bizarre behavior didn't end there - he then jumped on
the roof in a surfing motion. After that, he jumped to the
ground, where he was found not moving. Frazzled, he was
unable to answer questions and was taken to jail on in-
decent exposure and criminal damage charges. Police report
the nude surfer was under drug influence.
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--- Aim High - Jobless Teen Charges for "Mediocre" Advice --
CANADA - In addition to enduring a painful breakup, Canadian
teenager Trevor Dame couldn't find a summer job and needed
to more resourceful to earn money. For 25 cents, he dispenses
"mediocre" advice to passersby. The teenager feared customers
would want a refund if he advertised "good" advice, but he
felt he could handle giving "mediocre" advice. Thus, he
scaled back his operation and wore a sign that said "Medio-
cre advice - 25 cents" to attract customers. Dame explained
his motivation, "I just went through a breakup, I can't find
a summer job, and I was feeling lonely and bored. I thought
I'd do this and make some money and hopefully make people
smile." Next up - a lemonade stand.
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
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Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Who's the kid with the evil bug eyes on your web pages? It's
exactly how I pictured your child after a roadtrip! -Barb
[That's very close to what my wife looked like after our last
road trip (although that is definitely not my wife).]
Dearest of Lewises, Imagine my surprise when around two years
ago I began receiving Bizarre News. When had I subscribed?
Was someone playing a trick on me? I had concluded that it
was an immaculate subscription. I love your wit, Lewis, and
even your "soft core" insults towards us Canadians. --Sandra
Lewis, Now that I know what a titmouse is, what's a henway?
--Fredrick
[Ahem...about three pounds. By the way...a dedicated subscriber
sent in an actual picture of a titmouse. I posted it on the
web page so head over to www.bizarrenews.com and check it out.]
i'm gonna bite and ask you: what's a henway?
[Hold up, now. Only Mrs. Lewis is allowed to bite.]
Hey Lewis, did you hear that in Australia recently, a female
telecommunications worker was fined $3000 for having too many
personal items on her desk. Her crime? Apparently she had 4
photographs on her desk instead of the maximum of 3.
[Why that selfish tramp!]
I won't vote [on the wet t-shirt contest] because I don't
care one way or the other. (And I'm female.) What is the
point? It is hardly bizarre, unless a requirement is to
have an odd number of breasts.
[Hmmm...a new category?]
I think an online wet tshirt contest would be a wonderful
idea. I will for sure send my pic in...36 DD
[Make sure to use a wide lens.]
Lewis, At least some people out there know Alaska's part of
the US. I'm from Hawaii and the majority of the people who
visit us still think we're only a US territory.
[Nope. That's part of Minnesota, too.]
OK, this is Jennifer in Alaska again. Just because YOU have
never been to Alaska doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Why don't
you come for a visit...the moose are REEEAL friendly...go
ahead, pet one.
[A moose bit my sister once.]
Lewis, Just to let you know how popular you are. I won an
autographed version of the first Bizarre News book on e-bay
that I keep here at work. Some unknown culprit snagged it
the other day and I haven't seen it since! It appears to
be a well coveted piece of literature! -Mandy
[The heartless bastard. Is a woman's signed Best of Bizarre
News book not even safe any more?]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to:
Email Lewis
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**--- BIZARRE PHOTO ---**
Looking for an image that will burn into your psyche forever?
Find the Bizarre photo of the week at:
http://www.bizarrenews.com
************************************************************
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Archive link:
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END OF CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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