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CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, October 27, 2006
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Does the US have the right to bar Space projects by foreign
countries?
Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week
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Greetings Fellow Bizarros:
I need to take an issue to say thanks. First, I want to
thank all of you who read this twice every week. Many of you
contribute stories and great reader comments as well, this
is my favorite part of Bizarre News. Also, I want to thank
my bosses. They have given me so much freedom to report and
write about some of the weirdest things in the world.
How many places of work can you even participate in such
pastimes as getting into fist fights in Salt Lake City during
the Olympics? How about visiting a rave club or interviewing
alien abductees? These are not normal things that bosses
usually put up with, but as long as you keep reading and
occasionally clicking on our advertisers' offers, I am pretty
free to pursue the wonderful world of the bizarre.
And how can we forget the advertisers to thank? When we
started, we could only take ads for "Bust-Enhancing Creams"
and natural "Viagra." Now we have sponsors like AT&T, Micro-
soft and many others. These advertisers have figured out that
just because our readers enjoy the other side of news doesn't
mean that you are not interested in good offers.
I would also like to ask that if you enjoy Bizarre News, you
should forward a copy to your friends and help us spread the
bizarre around. This newsletter only exists because of you.
The more of us there are the more fun we can have. So pick a
couple of friends and send them an issue of Bizarre News. If
you love it so will they.
Until next week, take a gander at this issue. And...did I
say thanks?
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
--------------------- Bizarre Patents ----------------------
A fart collecting device: It comprises a gas-tight collecting
tube for insertion into the rectum of the subject. The tube
is connected to a gas-tight collecting bag. The end of the
tube inserted into the subject is apertured and covered with
a gauze filter and a gas permeable bladder.
A glove for courting couples who wish to maintain palm-to-palm
contact while holding hands. It has a common palm section, but
two separate sets of fingers.
A chair for coition: Provides support for two people, one
astride the other. In one preferred form, the seat vibrates.
An ashtray which warns you to quit smoking. When you pick up
the box of matches from the holder, light passes through a
hole to a photocell. This activates an audible warning device.
A ladder to enable spiders to climb out of a bath. It com-
prises a thin flexible latex rubber strip which follows the
inner contours of the bath. A suction pad is attached to the
top edge of the bath.
A car registration plate which indicates the sex of the driver.
The inventor says that since the plate makes the driver's sex
immediately apparent, other road users will change the way
they behave. They will become more polite, and predict better
the behavior of other drivers.
***
--------- Couple Arrested for Raunchy Sex in ATM ----------
COLOMBIA - A couple entering a cash machine cubicle had more
in mind than withdrawing money. They happily proceeded to
undress and have sex against the very transparent walls.
Though they had broken the cubicle light, passers-by could
see the couple coupling and some stopped to watch the pas-
sionate display. One viewer said, "They were there over an
hour without paying attention to the outside world. People
told them to go to a motel." The oblivious couple refused
to budge until police knocked on the door. Still, though,
they were in no rush to put on their clothes and were re-
portedly either drunk or under the influence of drugs.
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-- Gun Toting Woman Causes Grief for Brief Stealing Thief --
NEBRASKA - Now here is what you call a panty raid! According
to police in Nebraska, a burglary suspect whose victim shot
at him returned to steal her underwear as she reported the
crime. The 32-year-old man allegedly disturbed the 49-year-
old woman when he broke into her mobile home through a win-
dow. She was said to have grabbed a pistol and fired it in
his direction, but he wasn't injured. The suspect fled from
the back door while the woman ran out of the front to a
friend's house to call police. Officers say they caught the
suspect a short time later that same night leaving the
trailer with his pockets full of women's underwear. He's
been charged with burglary and possession of cocaine.
-------------- NASA To Launch Goo Into Space ---------------
Technically, a space-age substance called "aerogel" isn't
alive; but it might as well be. NASA says it now holds the
Guinness record for being the lightest substance on earth.
It seems to float and appears to be breathing ... but it's
a solid. It was designed for the agency to be a kind of
"sponge in space," positioned to attract and catch tiny
roaming particles in the solar system. Although scientists
have had the formula for aerogel since the 1930s, it's only
been recently that experts at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory
in Pasadena, Calif., have realized that it would be perfect
as a "solar dust magnet." Aerogel is so light and porous
that only two-tenths of a percent of its mass is actually
substance ... the rest is air. Some scientists jokingly call
it "frozen smoke."
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This is a promotional offer so we MUST limit you to no
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------- Vegetable Oil Not Just for Cooking, Fuels Bus ------
HOUSTON, Texas - Did somebody say "McDonald's?" No, but that
IS the smell of a deep fryer coming from Tom Nevers's mini-
school bus. He drives around town in his bus filled not with
gas, but vegetable oil. Whenever he's about to run out of
fuel, Nevers pulls over to a fast food restaurant or any
other place with a deep fryer and asks the manager for a
tankful of oil. He said, "I've never been turned down. They
have to pay somebody to haul it." He pumps the oil into two
tanks in the bus; it then goes through another filter and
heat exchanger that he added to the original diesel engine.
In his favor, the U.S. Department of Energy says the oil
reduces "nearly all forms of air pollution" and "can be
used in many (diesel) engines built since 1994 with little
or no modification." Nevers has logged long miles with the
free fuel: the bus has been running on vegetable oil for
an entire year and has a total of 220,000 miles on it.
----- Teenager Steals Credit Card to Enlarge His Penis -----
AUSTRALIA - When 18-year-old Andrew Ronald Potter couldn't
pay his bills, he stole his former flatmate's credit card.
In addition to charging his electric bill and hotel
accommodations, he also bought a penis enlarger. Potter
ordered the device through a mail order company, and his
ex-friend discovered the charges on his credit card state-
ment. The embarrassed Potter plead guilty to eight fraud
charges. Magistrate Trevor Allingham showed no mercy and
said, "Why you did it, I have no idea. It was incredibly
stupid and was almost inevitable you had to be found out.
I hope this one incredibly stupid event is not going to
affect the rest of your life." WE know why he did - he
had a small johnson.
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Hey Lewis!! Thanks for reminding me that there is some good
stuff going on in the world. All the hatred and killing has
gotten me depressed. Good old Jimmy! Always knew he was
good for something besides peanut farming. --Ann
[Now if we could only get Castro to shave that damned beard
and stop oppressing his people.]
Lewis, you must HELP US! Dick Cheney is attacking Tokyo!
Planes, tanks, bombs...Nothing can stop him! What can we do?
[Try calling in Jimmy Carter.]
Hey Lewis, love the newsletter. Not only should we wonder
when China is going to jump on board, but we should also
wonder when Prez. Bush is going to get his head out of his
ass and take notice of what he's doing to this country's
relationship with other nations. At the rate he's going,
this will be a communist nation in no time.
[What? Are you suggesting Mr. Bush doesn't understand foreign
policy any better than he understands English? Not every
country in the world hates the United States right now.
There's Canada...]
If you were a spirit 'floating' around the room, how could
your friend see what you were doing?
[I think the idea was, he was in the astral realm as well.]
Your intro for this weeks newsletter was very insightful and
thought provoking. Who wrote it for you? -DLB
[I have a ghost writer named Iggy.]
my mom has a friend named paul, whom she has known a long
time. before she married my dad, she was asleep one night
in her apartment and she felt like someone was staring at
her. when she opened her eyes, someone was leaning over her.
she screamed and the figure disappeared. she thought she
had been dreaming but the next morning the phone rang, and
it was paul. he asked her if he had scared her last night.
at first she couldn't figure out what he was talking about
until he told her he had been astral projecting and paid
her a visit. he never did it again after that. but that
story always freaked me out. great news letter, miranda
[Oh, well thanks. That story makes me feel a lot better.]
Dear Lewis, The story you wrote about the Fukushima woman
who beat to death six practioners during an exorcism was
entirely correct. A couple of bizarre details you missed
were that the woman was a licensed religious "practioner"
and has hundreds of satisfied customers over the years who
claim that the "...beatings did indeed expell the evil
spirits. And allowed them to live "normal" lives..."Dozens
of them appeared in court to testify in her defense, to no
avail. --Mike Rogers, Tokyo
[There's nothing like a good thrashing to keep those evil
spirits in line.]
I don't know what you look like, but you are sooo cute! I
think I'm in love, Sandi
[Great! If my wife thinks I'm still in demand it might help
me get lucky this weekend.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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