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BIZARRE NEWS - Saturday, March 15, 2008
"Spanning the globe for the weird...strange...and stupid."
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:
Several people have sent me this story, and it seems to be
all over the web, so I figure I might as well suckle on the
tit while it's lactating.
It seems a 35-year-old woman spent two years in the bathroom
of her boyfriend's trailer in Wichita, Kansas (the state,
not the band). According to her boyfriend she has a phobia
about leaving the room because of childhood beatings.
The boyfriend, Kory McFarren, brought her food, water and
clean clothes and asked her every day to come out of the
bathroom, but there she stayed.
"She is an adult; she made her own decision. It was my fault;
I should have gotten help for her sooner. I admit that. But
after a while, you kind of get used to it," McFarren said.
The story so far is weird enough, but it gets worse.
Eventually she took to spending all of her time on the toilet,
even sleeping there. By the time authorities were called her
skin had grown around the seat.
County Sheriff Bryan Whipple reported that the toilet seat
had to be pried off and went to the hospital with her.
Authorities said they did not know whether she was mentally
or physically disabled.
I have some guesses.
You know, on the surface this whole story seems incredibly
bizarre, but when you think about it there is some logic to
it. Where is the one place in your entire house where you
can get a little peace and quiet? Where you can be alone and
unmolested by spouse, kids, telephone or anything else? I'll
tell you, sometimes I spend an hour on the throne just to
get a little reading done!
Of course, I could never get my wife to serve me meals in
there. But just imagine how convenient that would be!
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here...
Bizarre News Forum
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+--------------- Bizarre Colonoscopy Humor ----------------+
[A physician claims these are actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.]
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man
has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my
head is not, in fact, up there?"
***
------------- Chef ate nothing but cookies ---------------
SHOTLEY BRIDGE, England - A Shotley Bridge, England, chef
says his food phobia has led him to survive on a diet of
nothing but cookies for 25 years. Andrew Forster, 27,
heads the kitchen at the Sale Pepe Italian restaurant, said
he was unable to enjoy even his own cooking because he
developed a fear of food at about 18 months of age, the
Daily Mail reported Thursday. He said he mostly subsided
on Blue Riband, Club and rich tea cookies. "Just the
thought of eating different foods would make me anxious
and I'd start to feel sick," Forster told the Daily Mail.
However, he said his girlfriend brought the health risks
of his diet to his attention and he has now sought the help
of a psychologist and nutritionist to overcome his fear
and enjoy real meals. "It's fantastic to be able to taste
good food for once," he said.
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----------- Lawmakers advocate 'right to dry' ------------
MONTPELIER, Vt. - Lawmakers in Connecticut and Vermont are
pushing legislation that would allow everyone to hang out
their laundry in public. A similar bill that would overturn
local ordinances or rules set by homeowners' associations
failed to make it out of committee in New Hampshire, the
Boston Globe reported. Backers of the "right-to-dry" bill
say they will bring it up again in the next session. While
clothes lines have tended to be associated with urban
tenements or rural poverty patches, advocates say that
outdoor drying instead of using an electric dryer is
environmentally friendly. Many people also like the fresh
smell. "People think it's silly, but what's silly is to
worry so much about having to look at your neighbors'
undies that you would prevent them from conserving energy,"
said Vermont state Sen. Dick McCormack, a sponsor of that
state's law. "We're not making a big deal over clothes-
lines; we're making a big deal over global warming."
----------- Grandpa says preschool toy swears -------------
KISSIMMEE, Fla. - A Kissimmee, Fla., grandfather says a
children's toy, the Leapfrog Alphabet Pal Caterpillar,
can be made to swear if the right buttons are pushed.
Knutty Frye said he contacted the manufacturer about
the toy -- which is designed to help children learn the
alphabet -- but the company did not seem concerned about
the alleged profanity, WESH-TV, Orlando, Fla., reported
Thursday. "I was told to take it back to the store I got
it from and get my money back," Frye said. "(There was)
no concern at all to the fact it was saying bad words."
A representative for retail chain Wal-Mart said the
problem seems to stem from a manufacturing error that
caused a letter key to make an incorrect sound.
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------- Utah boy hopes to win Rotten Sneaker prize --------
TOOELE, Utah - A 10-year-old Utah boy hopes to start a
family tradition of winning of winning the Odor-Eaters
Rotten Sneaker Contest. Lane Tuck's big sister, Katherine,
won the competition last year when she was 13. Lane has
been working on his sneakers for months, tramping through
mud and sand and wading in the Great Salt Lake for brine
and the odd brine shrimp, the Deseret Morning News reported.
"He needs to work on them some more but I think he'll get
there," Katharine said. Paula Tuck, Lane's mother, said
she is looking forward to her son winning next week in
Vermont. If he does, there will be the satisfaction of
knowing he has won $2,500 and a trip to New York. If he
fails, she can give up, at least for a while, field trips
to places with good sources of odorous substances, the
Deseret Morning News said. She will also get Katharine's
shoes out of the house. The sneakers, so odorous that a
NASA odorologist who judged the contest last year said
they were the smelliest he had ever smelled, are going
to the Odor-Eaters Hall of Fame.
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis, here's an amusing news tidbit for you... "Sudan man
marries a goat! Let this story serve as a lesson to you. A
man from Sudan has been forced to take a goat as his wife
after he was caught having sex with the animal, BBC reports.
The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with
his goat and took him to a council of elders and they ordered
the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars
($50) to Mr Alifi."
[Maybe he was attracted to the goat because his wife is a
real bitch.]
Does the Vatican excuse itself from this sin because they
are already obscenely wealthy. Do they think people don't
know the value of the gold, jewels, and rare paintings they
put on display, or have stored in their vaults? They have
always been guilty of greed, now they heap another mortal
sin on their heads. -Russell
[Are you denying God a little bling?]
I think it is unfair to say that bizarre sex deaths are
usually found in the Southern United States. We here in
Pennsylvania have experienced quite a few wierd sexual
deaths. Recently a man electrocuted his girlfriend who
apparently enjoyed electro-stimulation as a sexual ex-
perience. I can remember years ago a man was found not
guilty of murder after smothering his girlfriend with
a pillow and then panicking and cutting up her body. Ap-
parently she enjoyed asphyxiation as part of her sexual
experience and his attorney proved it. -Fred
[Pennsylvania...erotic asphyxiation death capitol of the
United States. There's a T-shirt.]
Lewis, I just thought you might like to know. The Boy Scouts
are amongst the most intolerant groups in the United States.
If you don't believe in God or are gay you are SOOL with
the Boy Scouts. Later, Scooter
[Right. Gay atheists don't get to learn how to tie knots and
start fires by rubbing two sticks together. Sounds fair.]
with the way things are in the world at the moment, it seems
most of the problems are somehow "caused" by America, as it
(and I won't refer to any particular administration) seems
obsessed with ridding certain countries of "terrorists". If
they succeed, then America will be the only terrorists left.
-Mathew
[Well, nobody likes competition.]
Ham the Chimp went in 1961, not 1969. Even Bizarre news
should be accurate. -Tom
[Thanks. I'll fire my assistant editor.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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