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BIZARRE NEWS - Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2008
"Spanning the globe for the weird...strange...and stupid."
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:
We like to stay on the cutting edge of sexual aids in
Bizarre News. We brought you the vibrating panties, the
electro-stimulated orgasm, the life-like sex doll and
now...the robotic sex partner.
We're not talking Cherry 2000 here (look up the old movie
from 1987 starring Melanie Griffith), but we are talking
about the next step in the evolution of sexual aids.
David Levy, a PhD in gender studies and artificial intel-
ligence and author of "Sex with Robots: The Evolution of
Human-Robot Relations" predicts that we will be getting
it on with electronic sexbots by mid-century.
"Already today, the best quality synthetic voices cannot
be distinguished from human voices," Levy said, adding
that some artificial skins now rival the smoothest of baby
bottoms.
And precedents have already been set. A company in Japan
called Axis has already produced the world's first, rudi-
mentary, sexbot -- for men.
Called Honeydolls, the lifesize figures are made from
surgical-grade silicone and resin, and are equipped with
voice-emitting sensors in each breast.
Pinch the nipples, and the doll will react with a squeal
and whisper pre-programmed sweet nothings in your ear.
Customized MP3 audio files can be substituted for a more
personal touch. Price tag: 7,000 dollars.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here...
Bizarre News Forum
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+---------------------- Bizarre Love ---------------------+
STORIES
Peter the Great had his wife's lover executed and his head
put into a jar of alcohol. She had to keep it in her bed-
room.
After having a two year affair with Catherine the Great,
Gregory Aleksandrovich Potemkin remained a valued advisor
to Catherine. He even helped her pick out future lovers.
Cleopatra married two of her brothers and was the mistress
of both Caesar and Mark Antony.
Fernade Olivier lived with Picasso for seven years. They
wanted to marry but Olivier couldn't find her estranged
husband to divorce him. In the 1940's she found out he
had died right after she met Picasso - 40 years earlier.
***
----------- Mayor shivers for a good cause ---------------
WYOMING, Minn. - The Wyoming, Minn., mayor was back home
Monday having braved a weekend of sub-zero temperatures
and howling winds to collect funds to save a town teen
center. It wasn't looking too good Saturday night when it
was minus 16 degrees, wind gusts up to 40 mph were caving
in his tent atop the Wyoming City Hall, his heaters kept
blowing out and he was thousands of dollars from his
$35,000 fundraising goal, the St. Paul Pioneer Press
reported Monday. But he made it through the night and
Sunday morning, a family from Woodbury showed up and asked
him to lower his donation bucket. He did and when he pulled
it back up there was a check for $6,000. "It's nice to
know there is that kind of kindness out there," Anderson
said not only of that family, which didn't want to be
identified, but all those who gave to the cause. He
celebrated taking a bath, eating a bowl of chili and
laying down for awhile -- his first rest inside since
Feb. 2 when he climbed to the city hall rooftop, vowing
not to come down until the Forest Lake Teen Center had
enough money for another year.
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-------- Wienermobile can't cut muster on ice ---------
MANSFIELD, N.Y. - An Oscar Mayer Wienermobile had to be
fished out of the median of a New York highway after
spinning out in a weekend snowstorm. The vehicle's two
occupants, Emily Volpini, 22, of Lexington, Ky., and
Caylen Goudie, 22, of Hinsdale, Ill., were unhurt in the
accident on Route 15 about 2 miles from Mansfield, state
Trooper Rex Johnson said Sunday. The duo were just coming
out of the worst of the storm when they lost control, the
Elmira (N.Y.) Star-Gazette reported. "We thought we had
come out of the blizzard," Goudie said. "We thought we
were through it. Then we hit a patch of ice. The Wiener-
mobile weighs 7,000 pounds, so usually ice and snow isn't
much of a problem. It was this time." Police contacted
Dave Kurzejewski of Costy's Truck and Auto Mart, who
brought along a heavy four-wheel-drive vehicle and some
chains to haul the frozen wiener back onto the highway.
Kurzejewski, who has performed hundreds of tows over the
years, said Sunday's experience was a new one. "I've pulled
out a lot of vehicles," he said. "But that's the first
wiener I've ever pulled out."
---------- Lesbian sues after being denied dog ------------
STOCKHOLM , Sweden - A Stockholm, Sweden, court has ruled
in favor of a woman who sued a kennel owner after she was
barred from buying a puppy because she is a lesbian. The
appeals court upheld a previous ruling in favor of the
woman, who sued a kennel owner in the Stockholm suburb of
Varmdo for discrimination and harassment after she was not
allowed to buy the dog, The Local reported Monday. The
kennel owner, who is also a woman, was ordered to pay
$3,000 in damages to the plaintiff. The owner had told
the woman she does not trust homosexuals with animals
because she had read that transvestites have been connected
to animal pornography. The woman reported the kennel owner
to the ombudsman against discrimination on grounds of
sexual orientation, which brought the case to the courts.
The defendant was also fined $7,000 for legal fees.
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--------- Alleged robber fails to prove insanity ---------
TAMPA, Fla. - A judge in Florida decided a robbery
suspect's pocketful of feces didn't pass the smell test
for mental incompetency. The feces incident was Robert
Sinclaire Lee's latest in a string of alleged attempts
to show himself unfit to stand trial in Tampa, first
hiding a razor in his mouth and using it to cut his wrist
in court, and later smearing feces on his face and lick-
ing it, The St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Monday.
In his most recent attempt, he hid human waste in his jail
jumpsuit pocket, but it was in vain as Circuit Judge Robert
Foster agreed with doctors who said Lee, 27, is competent
and malingering. The judge ordered jury selection to begin.
"Take care of his personal hygiene between now and then,"
the judge said. "I can smell him up here." Lee is charged
with attempted murder, attempted armed robbery and
aggravated assault among other things, for allegedly
trying to rob a Panda Express restaurant at gunpoint.
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis, we just got back from Florida, Alabama, Georgia,
South and North Carolina and it was very refreshing to
see low risk offenders along the roadsides picking up
litter. Fresh air, exercise and a useful service to the
state. I imagine the prison gets some recompense for the
labour and some no doubt goes to the prisoners. Instead
of inmates lolling around and bitching about the food and
bulking up in the weight room, the system is solving this
boredom problem. Here in Canada the department of high-
ways union would fight this citing the prisoners were
taking jobs away from union members although they don't
seem to be very effective at litter cleaning. Keep on
with the great newsletter; I look forward to each issue.
-Don in Nova Scotia.
[Why don't you write a letter to your Canadian equivalent
of a Congressperson and suggest to them that the United
States can use all the prison labor we can get. We'll
find something constructive for your crooked Canucks to
do.]
Lewis - I noticed the article on Cow Urine did not explain
HOW this exquisite commodity was actually collected at the
source. Do you suppose they are hiring Southerners to help
with this 'livestock issue'? -Bill from South Texas
[Probably not. They're too busy 'milking' bulls.]
Lewis, you're not actually Chadwick by a different name,
are you? No offense, but your material lately resembles
some of which was in the Up Yours! column. By the way,
what ever happened to him? Does he still work for Gopher-
Central? I only ask this because the main reason I'm
subscribed to Bizarre News is because the Up Yours! column
got cancelled. -Wakedaddy, OH
[So what are you complaining about, pindick? You're getting
the same service. How was that?]
seems like the Bizarre News is getting shorter, at least
the information is shorter, plenty of ads for crap, but
less actual 'news'. -Janet
[Women always think a man's 'column' is shorter than it
actually is. Must be a perspective thing.]
The item about cow urine curing disease may be true. Some
scientists believe that dairy workers whose right hands
were occasionally exposed to cow urine had almost no in-
stances of the usual chapping or redness which is common
to their profession. However, on the udder hand... Ed
[I'll do the jokes around here, if you don't mind.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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