Publication: Bizarre News
Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places | |
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BIZARRE NEWS - Saturday, Jan. 26, 2008
"Spanning the globe for the weird...strange...and stupid."
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:
Are you a man who's had trouble with love? Are you sick and
tired of the bar scene, blind dates and hanging out in the
feminine hygiene aisle at the grocery store? Well, I may
have found the solution for you.
I stumbled upon a web site called ConjugalHarmony that
specializes in finding husbands for women in prison with
life sentences.
According to the web site...ConjugalHarmony is the oldest,
most trusted name in conjugal dating with a staff of more
than twenty and offices in every state that permits conjugal
visits.
What's so great about getting married to someone in prison?
According to Conjugal Harmony, they take out the guess work.
You don't have to hire a private detective to know where your
spouse is, who they're hanging out with, or ever wonder if
you're being cheated on. By marrying a convict inside the
prison system you can rest easy knowing that the state is
looking out for you, and that you will be free of the nagging,
shopping trips and extra-marital oversight so stifling to your
relationship.
And these ladies are some prize winners.
Take 28-year-old Brass1 from California. She was convicted
of driving under the influence, reckless endangerment, para-
fanalia possession, drug possession and manslaughter.
According to her profile; Hot dog night is pretty much all I
have to look forward to anymore. I also made a special waist
band device for the purpose of intimacy that uses a hot dog
and it works pretty good. I have to hide it though cuz they
don't let that.
And then there is 25-year-old Fisty from Mississippi. She
was convicted of Rape, assault with a deadly weapon and rape
again. I guess there is a reason they call her 'Fisty'.
The advantage of meeting this girl is that, "you've never
known what a freak is until you meet a woman who has thought
of nothing but sex for fifteen years without getting any.
Give me this chance and your mind will be the first thing I
blow but not the last."
I haven't been able to figure out if this is a spoof because
I am afraid to register. Maybe I can get TZ to sign up and
see what kind of convicts are available in the area.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here...
Bizarre News Forum
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+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+
OREGON
Dishes must drip dry.
The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out
details of any written or oral discussion about your
medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you
can see is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records
in your chart.
It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's
ear during sex.
Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal
to smoke it on your own property.
You may not pump your own gas in service stations.
One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing,"
i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee.
Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
***
--------- Missing wallet returned after 33 years ----------
SANTA CLARA, Calif. - California's Santa Clara University
has returned a missing wallet to an alumnus who lost the
billfold in 1975, the former student said. Thomas
Eichenberg, who lost his wallet while attending the school
33 years ago, said a worker remodeling the student union
found his missing wallet -- minus any dollar bills --
behind a wall, the San Francisco Chronicle reported
Thursday. He said the money wasn't stolen from the wallet
-- it was never there in the first place. "I was always
broke," he said. "I was a typical college student. I never
had any money to steal." However, the trucking salesman
and former U.S. Army colonel said the wallet did contain
several items that brought back memories, including a
driver's license that listed his weight as 130 pounds.
"Let's say I'm over 200 pounds now," he said. "It happens."
Eichenberg said he was also happy to recover baby pictures
of his nieces and nephews, which have all reached middle
age.
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--------- Cat saves 8 people from house fire -----------
ALLENDALE, Mich. - A cat named Oreo saved the lives of
eight Allendale, Mich., people when their home caught
fire Wednesday, officials said. The heroic kitty began
to cry when flames started in the family's garage about
5 a.m., WOOD-TV, Grand Rapids, Mich., reported Thursday.
Officials said smoke detectors in the home did not sound
at the time of the fire, but luckily for the family,
Oreo did. The cat's cries from the garage reportedly
woke the family of eight and sent them rushing out of
the house. Fire damaged the garage and one bedroom,
officials said.
--------- Sleeping frog shocks a Brooklyn mom ----------
BROOKLYN, N.Y. - A New York woman told reporters she was
surprised when she found a tiny frog taking a nap in her
organic lettuce. Yvonne Brechbuhler jumped away in fear,
thinking she had discovered a slug or deceased bug in
her salad, the New York Daily News reported Thursday.
"I didn't know what it was. But once I realized it was a
frog, I was OK," the 39-year-old mother and stage actress
told the newspaper. Brechbuhler said the little amphibian
was "one tough frog" because he had persevered through
three days in her fridge after a long trip from Florida
to the Brooklyn health food store where she bought the
lettuce. After Brechbuhler found the frog last week, she
and her 7-year-old daughter named him "Curious" and gave
him a temporary home in a lettuce-filled jar. The family
later took the frog to a Brooklyn facility for amphibians
and reptiles. Curious reportedly is now up for adoption.
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---------- Horse mistakenly advertised as food -----------
AKRON, Mich. - An Akron, Mich., woman said she received a
barrage of phone messages after her advertisement selling
a horse was mistakenly categorized as food. Kristen DeGroat
said her ad in The Saginaw (Mich.) News, which offered her
3-year-old mare for sale, mistakenly appeared in the "Good
Things to Eat" section of the classifieds, The Saginaw News
reported Thursday. "3 YEAR OLD Registered Pinto Mare, $200
or best," the ad read. DeGroat said she received about 60
calls in response to the ad, mostly from people upset that
someone would sell a horse for food. "I had a lady call
whose friend was just in tears over this thing," DeGroat
said. "It doesn't help that my cell phone number starts
with 666." A representative of the newspaper said the ad
appeared in the wrong section due to an error that was
later corrected. DeGroat said about one-third of the calls
were from buyers who were genuinely interested in buying
the horse for its culinary value. However, she said she
sold the animal to a St. Charles, Mich., buyer who
purchased the horse as a pet for his granddaughters.
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Dear Lewis, Thank you for Bizarre News! I had to reply to
this one, having done some research myself. Hemp was banned
almost a century ago as a result of cotton growers and
lumber barons lobbying against a crop that could potentially
lower the value of their own crops. They hyped up "inter-
racial incidents," blaming pot-smoking dock workers for
various violent crimes because the hemp part of the crop
can replace wood pulp and canvas. The film "Reefer Madness"
was part of this smear campaign. -Loren
[We just so happen to have a clip from Reefer Madness. Click
the link below to see what smoking dope will do to you...]
Reefer Madness
Like alcohol, marijuanna should only be sold to 21 year olds.
The same laws should apply ~ no driving under the influence.
Yes, it IS a gateway drug, as is alcohol, which is legal. Not
everyone is an addict or alcoholic. Apparently the lawmakers
have the head in their shorts while making laws.
but... if they legalize for fuel, people will run their cars
in their garage with a hoze from the exhaust into the vehicle
and instead of dying they'll get high! What on earth are you
thinking?!? -Chris in Iraq
During WW2 the farmers around here were paid good money to
grow marijuana for the government and it was then turned into
rope for the navy. I have lots of it growing along my fence
line and its very hard to kill. The sheriff drives pat our
place every day and never stops to help me spray it. -Gene
[You have wild marijuana growing in your backyard? And the
sheriff ignores it? Do you have a problem with teenagers
trespassing on your place? Or is it hemp that's growing
wild?]
Lewis, marijuana is not harmless, I have 2 friends who can
not even go to a concert due to a severe allergy, the
slightest whiff of the stuff and they end up in the ER. I,
myself get migraine headaches from it. Also every pothead I
know is a freeloader who only have a roof over their head
because their mom won't throw their dumb-mid-30's-ass out.
-Jason
[And you have alcoholics who drink themselves into an early
grave, too.]
I guess we're lucky in Colorado, if you get caught with pot
the penalty is just a $100 fine. I didn't realize you
actually face potential jail in most states. Kind of a sad
waste if you ask me. -Zach
[From what I've read a number of states are loosening the
penalties for marijuana possession in small amounts. but it
wasn't that long ago that one joint would get you a jail
sentence.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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