Publication: Bizarre News
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BIZARRE NEWS - Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2008
"Spanning the globe for the weird...strange...and stupid."
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:
Here we were, criticizing Southerners last week, and now take
a look at the story I uncovered this week from Ohio.
Firefighters in Shawnee Township, Ohio, said a man accidentally
lit his house on fire while attempting to thaw a frozen water-
line with a propane torch.
Shawnee Township Fire Chief Tim Mosher said authorities arrived
at the home of John Miller Sr. to find the house full of smoke.
"He was trying to thaw out a frozen waterline in a crawl space,"
Mosher said. "The occupant got out but there was a lot of smoke
in there when we arrived."
Miller said firefighters went into the home and rescued his
Boston terrier, Milo, who he said was shaken up but otherwise
in good health after the incident.
The homeowner said it wasn't the first time he had used a pro-
pane torch to thaw a frozen pipe, but this was his first fire.
"I didn't have it on there two minutes that the side wall took
off," Miller said. "I've done it a hundred times and never had
a problem."
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here...
Bizarre News Forum
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+------------ Bizarre Church Bulletin Messages ------------+
The following are actual announcements taken from church
bulletins:
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both
ends.
Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson
will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the
pastor.
Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers,
please meet the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congrega-
tion will join in.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church
basement. Music will follow.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius
Belser.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
***
---------- Seized Elvis memorabilia returned --------------
EDINBURGH, Scotland - Scottish police have returned almost
$7,800 worth of Elvis memorabilia mistakenly seized during
a drug raid on an Edinburgh home. The confiscated items
included a poster advertising a gig in February 1956, a
signed photograph and a gold plated RCA disc from March
1956, although no drugs were found, the Edinburgh Evening
News reported Monday. The memorabilia has been returned
to Ralph Miller, 28, who had left the memorabilia at his
friend's flat in the Old Town. "The police raided (a
friend's) flat looking for drugs. They didn't find any but
they did find the Elvis stuff and decided to seize it on
the assumption it had been stolen," he said, adding that
he had been unaware how much the collection was worth.
"Now it's going up for sale. We've just arranged to get
it valued and then we're going to put it up for auction."
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BATTERY OPERATED REMOTE CONTROL LIGHT
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------------- Homemade sub nearly seaworthy --------------
MARATHON, Fla. - A Marathon, Fla., man who has spent 11
years building a homemade yellow submarine says his project
is nearly complete. Duane Shelton, an engineer for Sea Air
Land Technologies, said his 92-foot, 100-ton steel sub-
marine, which is currently parked in a canal off the island
of Boot Key in Marathon, is nearly ready to voyage under
the sea, the Key West (Fla.) Citizen reported Monday. The
engineer said he faced a number of financial obstacles on
his path to constructing an underwater vessel, beginning
with a Chicago scrap yard that wanted more than $100,000
for the steel tube he needed to serve as the submarine's
hull. He said he managed to haggle the price down to about
$10,000, but the problems didn't end there. "Then I had to
figure out how to get it down here," he said. Shelton
transported the pipe using a series of trains, trucks and
barges. He said he is facing another financial hurdle, this
time from the U.S. government, which requires at least
$750,000 to apply for federal permission to put his vessel
to its intended use -- transport for dive and educational
tours in Honduras.
-------- Man uses GPS to chase down stolen truck ---------
UNIVERSITY CITY, Mo. - The night manager at a University
City, Mo., tow truck service used a global positioning
system locater to chase down a stolen truck and nab an
alleged thief. Michael Filius, the night manager of
Hartmann Towing and a former corrections officer, said
he was inside the garage at about 2:45 a.m. Saturday when
he noticed that he could no longer hear the truck he had
left idling outside, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported
Monday. Filius said the theft surprised and angered him
to the point where he decided to track the vehicle down
before it could be stripped by the thieves. He switched
on the truck's GPS and contacted AAA to have the service
monitor the truck's location and give him updates on his
cell phone. He said he saw two men who appeared to be in
their 30s flee from the truck when he approached it, and
he managed to run the vehicle off the road and kept the
driver from fleeing until police arrived. Police cautioned
that victims of car theft should phone the authorities
instead of setting out to find the vehicles on their own.
However, Filius said he was fed up with criminals. "I have
to see these little hoodlums every day," he said. "There's
a point I'm not going to take it anymore."
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Featuring original vocal performances, this High Energy CD
contains songs: Get Up. Love Is Alive, Let The Music Play,
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To order this or see a list of other CDs available, visit:
SHAPE WALK THREE: Moderate to Fast Pace 4.2 to 4.5 mph
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----------- Grad student invents gravity lamp ------------
BLACKSBURG, Va. - A U.S. graduate student won second place
in a "Greener Gadgets Conference" competition inventing a
floor lamp powered by gravity. Clay Moulton of Springfield,
Va., who received his master's of science degree last year
from Virginia Tech, created the lamp as a part of his
master's thesis. The LED lamp, named Gravia, is an acrylic
column a little more than 4 feet high. The entire column
glows when activated by electricity generated by the slow,
silent fall of a mass that spins a rotor. The light output
of 600-800 lumens lasts about four hours. To "turn on" the
lamp, the user moves weights from the bottom to the top of
the lamp and into a mass sled near the top. The sled begins
its gentle glide down and, within a few seconds, the LEDs
are illuminated. "It's more complicated than flipping a
switch," said Moulton, "but can be an acceptable, even
enjoyable routine, like winding a beautiful clock or making
good coffee." Moulton estimates Gravia's mechanisms will
last more than 200 years. A patent is pending on the Gravia
lamp.
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HOME SECURITY DOOR ALARM
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Best of all, besides the price, is No Wiring Needed!
And if you're like me and wonder how it does work, visit
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Grab one or save even more and get two.
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis - do you have the staff there at Bizarre News writing
out comments to you again? -Lance
[Staff? Who do you think we are, the Chicago Tribune? There
is one assistant editor for me, TZ, Anisa and the other
editors in the office. He also makes coffee, sorts mail and
lays on the break room table naked so we can eat sushi off
of him.]
Lewis, We northerners are only "smug, arrogant, and contemp-
tuous" because we're better. But, without Florida we couldn't
laugh so much. -Doug
[I think Florida is great. I've been there many times. The
only problem is that it's full of Floridians.]
Lewis, I moved to Tennessee from Northern Illinois about 24
years ago, so unlike Cindi, I have seen it from both sides.
Your understanding of southern culture is not without merit.
Bigotry and stupidity per capita are indeed higher south of
the Mason Dixon line. However, there also are many intel-
ligent, hard working southerners that are proud of their
heritage and homeland, so I understand their ire with your
comments. As for me, the winter is short, the spring and
fall last forever. -Dorothy
Lewis: you mentioned smug, arrogant and contemptuous, but
you forgot cowardly. (Love the north/south banter) -Barb
[I didn't forget it. I was just afraid to put it in.]
If Cindi found you smug, arrogant and contemptuous, what
would she have though of Chadwick! Send the bitch to Nova
Scotia - she needs thawing out. -Steve.
[She probably would have loved him. Women like that often
time secretly crave a little abuse.]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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