Publication: Bizarre News
He Really Likes That Picnic Table | |
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BIZARRE NEWS - Saturday, March 29, 2008
"Spanning the globe for the weird...strange...and stupid."
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All of you Bizarre News fans can now get your exclusive
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:
I have done some bizarre things in the throes of passion.
I remember one night in college, after a particularly
steamy phone conversation with my girlfriend at the time
who was still living back home, there was a tube of hair
gel...well, that may not be an appropriate story, but then
again, neither is this.
It seems a man in central Ohio is accused of having sex
with his picnic table...right out on the back deck.
The investigation began when a tipster gave police three
tapes showing Arthur Price having sexual intercourse with
a round, metal table on his deck.
Police say the tapes show Price involved in a sex act in
his bedroom. He walks out to his deck, tilts the table on
its side and has sex with it.
You can imagine the neighbor walking over to the kitchen
sink to pour himself a glass of water when he sees some
maniac in the backyard next door with his pants around his
ankles humping a piece of lawn furniture.
Do you think your first reaction would be, "Honey! Come
here quick and bring the video camera."
Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table when
police questioned him. He confirmed the incidents caught on
tape and said he had also had sex with the table inside the
home. At least he's not strictly a voyeur.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here...
Bizarre News Forum
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+------------------- Bizarre Holidays --------------------+
APRIL
April 1 is One Cent Day
April 2 is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
April 3 is Tweed Day & Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day
April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day
April 5 is Go For Broke Day
April 6 is Sorry Charlie Day
April 7 is No Housework Day
For the rest of the list, go to: Bizarre News.com
p.s. The rest of the Bizarre Holidays for the month of
April will be put up on Tuesday April 1st.
***
---------- Bank robbed by crossing-dressed man -----------
CLEVELAND - Investigators in Cleveland are searching for
a man who robbed a US Bank branch while dressed as a
woman. The Federal Bureau of Investigation said a teller
described the suspect as a black man wearing a shoulder-
length wig and false fingernails, WEWS-TV, Cleveland,
reported Thursday. Authorities said the man handed the
teller a note that demanded money. It was not revealed
how much money was taken from the bank, the report said.
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--------- Tied election decided by names in hat ----------
WINTON, Australia - A tied mayoral election in Winton,
Australia, has been decided by unusual means -- picking
a name out of a hat. Ed Warren, who has served as acting
mayor of the Queensland shire since the retirement of
former Mayor Bruce Collins eight months ago, was declared
the winner after his name was pulled from the hat, The
Courier-Mail reported. Warren and rival Graham "Butch"
Lenton each received 423 votes. Local election law states
that a tied mayoral election must be decided by drawing
names out of a hat, or flipping a coin. "It is a disappoint-
ing way to lose the mayoralty," said Lenton. "What gets me
is that the election is run fair and square according to
the rules and then you get knocked off by lady luck." State
opposition leaders have called for an end to the name-
drawing practice to decide the outcome of tied elections,
suggesting the outcome should be decided by incoming
councilors. "The incoming councilors have also just faced
election and the people have given them their confidence
to make informed decisions," opposition spokesman Howard
Hobbs said.
---------- County refuses toilet paper check -----------
BINGHAMTON, N.Y. - A Binghamton, N.Y., man said he
protested a high water bill by attempting to pay it
with a homemade check printed on toilet paper. Ron
Borgna said the Broome County Office of Real Property
Tax Services refused to accept his $2,059.66 check --
which would cover the $422.90 bill, late fees and
subsequent water and sewer bills -- despite an accompany-
ing bank statement proving that his account contained
adequate funds, The Press & Sun Bulletin of Vestal, N.Y.,
reported. Borgna said the September 2006 water bill was
four times the amount of his normal bill. His water meter
and plumbing were tested in an attempt to discover the
cause of the extra charges, but the only problem found
was his meter over-registering by 1 percent, within the
bounds of city regulations. The homeowner refused to pay
the bill, and the fee was transferred to the county after
one year. Borgna said he decided to pay the fine, but the
county's refusal to accept his toilet paper check left him
considering other creative payment options. "I don't know
where I'm going to get $2,000 in nickels and dimes," he
said.
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----------- Husband burns absent wife's clothes ------------
PRESTATYN, Wales - A husband in Prestatyn, Wales, was fined
$200 after he set fire to his wife's clothing when she
stayed out drinking until the wee hours of the early
morning. A court heard Steven Carter phoned his wife, Leah,
at 5:30 a.m. to tell her he was burning all of her clothing
except for her wedding shoes, The Sun reported Thursday.
Carter said he resorted to drastic measures because his
wife refused to recognize the effect that alcohol had on
her mental health medication. "I saw it as the only way of
saving our marriage," he said. However, Leah Carter told
the court her husband is a "control freak." Steven Carter
was fined $200. He and his wife are still together, the
newspaper said.
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Just curious, could you speak with some engineer and describe
what would have happened if even just one strap broke on that
human slingshot video?... besides strengthen the gene pool.
[I'm sorry, we don't have any engineers on staff.]
A guy wins the lottery and goes back to work? Talk about a
lack of imagination! -Karen
[No kidding. I think I'd start a llama farm, or something.
What would you do with a million dollars?]
So, Doug, we don't ever need guns? Well, I wish you were my
neighbor. I would do exactly what I've seen other people do.
Get a 4 x 8 sheet of plywood and put a message on it stating,
"My neighbor is against guns so out of respect for him I
promise I will not use mine to protect him or his property."
-Myron
You said the only time you'd need a gun is if you're attacked
by someone with a gun... heck, I'd have a gun if someone
attacked me with a knife, a baseball bat, or any other deadly
object. It's not always about responding in kind, but making
sure the bad guy doesn't hurt/kill you or loved ones. -Chris
[I'm sure a judge would love to hear why you felt it necessary
to empty a revolver into someone carrying a stick.]
Lewis, The funny thing about the root beer keg party getting
busted is that I go to the University of Wisconsin - Stevens
Point which is about 15 or 20 minutes from Kroenenwetter,
and every fall our Student Government Association puts on a
Root Beer Pong competition, with a cash prize. It's advertised
all over campus.
[I've seen this 'Beer Pong' being played, and my first impres-
sion was that hygiene doesn't seem to play a big part of the
game.]
I disagree Lewis, guns have been called the "great equalizer"
because some ad exec felt they empowered people. If someone
attacks me with a gun, when I don't seem to have one of my
own, I feel it is an act of a coward. Maybe they will shoot
me, but all that means to me is that the police will react
more violently when they capture the gunman. Most people who
use guns for crimes aren't even well trained in their use,
so they are more likely to wound than kill anyway. -KeAahr
[So...you're strategy is to trust a criminal to be a bad
shot in order to protect yourself against a violent assault?
If you own a flat screen TV can I have it when you die?]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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